Mamamia recaps The Bachelors: One woman's secret leads to total carnage.

We open on high-heels Tash who was engaged to a bachelor and tantric yoga Jasmine in the middle of a verbal sparring match.

Wait, did we miss something? Did Channel 10 skip an episode?

What's happening?

via GIPHY

"Ladies. Ladies. Ladies," Osher says, trying unsuccessfully to get Tash and Jasmine's attention.

"Tash, you're embarrassing yourself," Jasmine says.

And then a title card flashes up saying "24 hours earlier..." Ah, OK. Channel 10 are doing some nifty movie stuff this year. Bringing the fantasy to the reality... to the fantasy, if you will.

So, 24 hours earlier, a producer is asking Tash to spill the tea. Tash says Jessica is keeping a secret from Felix - and the secret is that Jessica has a boyfriend in the "outside world". To be honest, I don't know who Jessica is.

This is Jessica. Hi Jess!

"If there's someone in the outside world who you've got that emotional attachment with, that you love, then what are you here for?" Tash questions. 

Oh, Tash. The same thing most people are there for: Instagram followers. Endorsement deals. Maybe even an OnlyFans account. No judgement! We must all make the moolah somehow. Have you seen the price of houses/rental properties/petrol/groceries/everything?

via GIPHY

Anyway, Tash quickly tells Jed about this all important secret. Jed calls Felix over, and Tash tells Felix too. Felix goes to have a chat with Jess. Mathematically challenged Krystal realises that Tash has told Jed and Felix about Jess, and they have a very civil discussion about it. 

LOL, just kidding! They "one thousand per cent" have a full-blown argument.

"I just feel like you're trying to create drama right now," Tash tells Krystal, without a hint of awareness of the hypocrisy of what she just said.

Krystal continues to call Tash out, which causes her to retreat to some sort of pantry with a contestant whose name I don't know to lament the fact that everyone is ganging up on her. I feel the need to include this only because it strikes me as funny that Tash's friend is chomping down on chocolate throughout Tash's rant.

"Do you want a bite of my chocolate?"

Meanwhile, Felix and Jess are having a serious chat about Jess's maybe boyfriend, who is confirmed to be a real boyfriend. Jess and her boyfriend are in an open relationship, and she tells Felix that when the time was right, she would have told him about said relationship. 

Felix responds by saying he is a "white picket fence" kind of guy (HAHAHAHA) and he wants to be with someone for "30, 40 years" (HAHAHAHA) and that he wouldn't be able to deal with an open relationship.

 Felix does not compute.

As Tash cries over being called out for revealing Jess's secret, Jed asks her out on a single date. Thomas asks soulmate Leah out on a single date. Felix runs away to hide and ponder his life choices.

The producers pull out all the stops with Thomas and Leah's date by providing them with a swing to sit in. But the blissful couple don't care a whit as they talk about what love feels like and how much they're into each other. They can't stop smiling. Oh, stop it, you two. This is just too sweet. Obviously Thomas is bringing the love to The Bachelors, while Felix and Jed are bringing the... other stuff.

Please end up together.

Jed and Tash go to a waterfront restaurant for their date and do the mandatory slo-mo walk up the stairs. Which is great because we can then take the time to appreciate Jed's flamboyant fashion choices.

I kinda love it.

Over a few glasses of champers, the pair discuss the Jessica debacle for the millionth time and how much they make each other laugh. They hold hands and gaze lovingly into each other's eyes, and then pash a lot. 

This will not end well.

The next day, Felix and a bunch of his "chosen ones" are off to Dreamworld. Felix is confused and just wants to get his mind off Jessica and her "polyamorous relationship".

Jed, who is also at the theme park with his "chosen ones", just wants to get off this rollercoaster.

"Help me."

Thomas and Jessica have a heart-to-heart about Felix and what has happened, and it's actually nice to see these little interactions between the bachelors and the women who are not in their "dating pool", so to speak. 

Later that night, the women from the theme park date gather for the rose ceremony so we're finally back to the beginning of the episode. 

Thank god. Let's get into the fight please!

Still awkward.

Osher asks Tash what she values in relationships and she says, "Trust, loyalty and honesty" to which Jasmine replies with this face:

I love Jasmine.

Prompted by Osher, Jessica talks about polyamory and how she would have liked to tell Felix about her outside relationship on a single date with him. Tash whispers, "It's selfish." Jasmine whispers, "F**king b*tch." Ladies, come on. No need for whispering when your mics are on.

Osher asks Jasmine what she thinks, and this is when the gloves come off. The next few minutes are a confusing mess of Tash, Jasmine, Krystal, and the chocolate woman whose name I still don't know yelling at one another, rolling their eyes, and trading insults.

via GIPHY

Finally, after receiving confirmation from the producer that they have sufficient footage, Osher moves the proceedings along and we get to the actual rose ceremony.

The final rose goes to Jess, whom Felix decides to he wants to keep around. He obviously made this choice on his own, without producers telling him it would be great to have her in the show because she is the source of so much contention and drama. 

After the ceremony, Tash goes crying to Jed, who says he is on her side. Jasmine and Krystal join them, and the four have a civil discussion about what's happened and how to move forward.

HAHAHA, of course I'm joking still. 

Tash goes to chocolate lady, whose name we finally learn is MARJ. Thank god. That was bugging me. Krystal and Tash get into it once more, and then Tash puts her foot in it by blurting out that Jasmine has an OnlyFans account. 

This is giving us MAFS vibes. Shudder.

MAFS 2.0.

Once Jasmine finds out, she calls Tash "the most awful human being" who can go "drown in a sewer." Logically, she starts questioning the kind of person Jed is because he is backing Tash.

"Is there something wrong with him? Is there a red flag I'm not seeing? Because that behaviour is shocking," she says. "Is he even the f**king person I want to be with, or is he just blind?"

Now, I'd normally just end this recap here, but Sunday's promo looks so freaking JUICY that I have to include it. It looks like Jasmine is interested in another bachelor (it's gotta be Thomas, right?) because she says, "I've really seen that Jed doesn't really suit my values, the way I am as a person. There is another bachelor in the house that is more emotionally mature."

Best of all, our hero Yuri is seen saying, "I'm just not feeling the vibe between me and Felix. Oh my god, he's just such an egotistical prick." 

At the rose ceremony, we see Yuri stepping forward. "Felix, there's something I'd like to say to you." Cue shocked gasps and Felix's shocked face.

Felix does not compute.

OMG, WE CAN'T WAIT. IS IT SUNDAY ALREADY?

The Bachelors Australia continues 7.30pm Sunday, on 10 and 10 Play. 

Feature Image: Network 10.

Read previous The Bachelors recaps below.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STOP FELIX.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors: One Bachelor is BRUTALLY rejected on the first date.