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SWEET JESUS.
We’ve made it.
After approximately six weeks of grown men in chicken suits chucking tantrums/Jamie talking about Jamie in the third person/a lovely British man getting his willy wonka out and then proudly expressing his emotions… we are here.
Tonight, Angie will choose between a beautiful, long-haired man who sometimes yells at horses and… Carlin’s face.
LET’S DO THIS.
We open on Angie having a beach think.
She’s wondering what Ciarran’s up to and whether that’s Jamie behind the bushes.
She says tonight she has to choose between a cavoodle and a three legged dog who pisses all over the floor and true.
Angie decides it’s time for her parents to meet the boys so her dad can call Timm a long-haired hooligan and her mum can stare at Carlin’s face.
PAUSE.
Timm is here and he’s doin a weird dance pls.
He's very excited because he's shaved off his mo as to not scare Angie's dad who hates the very essence of him.
He sits down at the table with Angie's family and tries to remember to maintain eye contact and not yell out something weird.
Angie's family break into groups and chat to Timm. Somehow he manages to string together several coherent sentences that aren't about ducks or horses or his best mate's mum Tracey.
Ssssssshhhh.
It's time for Angie's family to meet Carlin's face.
Angie goes to meet Carlin and he's just... standing there. Not even doing a weird dance or nuthin'.
Angie's dad says Carlin isn't an ugly looking rooster and then Angie's mum calls Carlin Timm and TRUE, ANGIE'S MUM, TRUE.
Angie's mum takes Timm Carlin for a chat and says "how bout that one time you got married".
Carlin gives her a big speech about he's ready for love but she ain't listening cause she's too busy looking at his... face.
Carlin leaves and Angie's family tell her they'd be happy whether she chooses Timm or Carlin's face.
Oooooooh.
It's time for Angie's final date with Carlin.
They play a game of Where's Angie and then Carlin does some deep breathing.
After a "kayak kiss" Carlin takes his shirt off so we can stare at something other than his face.
They sit on a feelings couch and Carlin can't tell Angie he loves her but she a lil' bit doesn't care because of his... face.
PAUSE.
It's time for Timm's final date and now he's yelling at cows for being cold. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
They go up in a hot air balloon and Timm starts yelling at the cows below for walking in a single line.
Then he yells at them for staring at the weird long-haired man yelling at them from a hot air balloon.
It's very Timm of him.
Later, Angie and Timm have a pash in a pool because you can really only figure out your true feelings for someone in a body of water.
Then Timm tells Angie he will f*cking love her so much if she chooses him and he will fill her life with so much happiness and plenty of cow-based jokes.
Also, there will be horses who be pretendin' they aren't horses.
Maybe a few Jack Russells.
And some dreams about ducks.
Ssssssssshhhhhh.
It's time.
Angie is having her final beach think.
Timm has a ring and he's done his hair fancy pls. Carlin also has a ring and his face is here.
The cars are on the way to the special dumping/forever after archway and Timm is still a lil' bit talking about the cows.
Angie is waiting.
Timm is walking towards her.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Angie tells Timm that he's her soulmate but she just likes Carlin's face more.
She starts crying and Timm comforts her because he is an ABSOLUTE ANGEL AND WE DON'T DESERVE HIM.
Timm gives Angie the ring he choose for her anyway and then walks into some palm trees and cries.
He says he can't understand how he's Angie's soulmate but she didn't choose him and same.
Timm says he's never going to open up again but he SHOULD because right now thousands of women across Australia would like to go on a date with a bloke with an unnecessary extra M who likes to yell at cows sometimes.
Carlin and his face arrive.
Angie tells him she loves him. He tells her he loves her. It's all very... nice.
Somewhere - in the not too distant palm trees - Timm is yelling at some unsuspecting wildlife and slowly beginning to rebuild his life.
UNTIL NEXT YEAR.
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Catch up on all our recaps here:
Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 1: Australia just met the creepiest villain in Bachelorette history.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 3: A man from Angie's past leaves the mansion divided.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 4: A new frontrunner leaves the rest of the men fuming.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: OH NO. Jamie has gone into full Stage Five Clinger mode.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: WE WEREN'T EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR THIS.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: NO. Ryan lied to precisely all of us.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: EVERYBODY IS LYING AND WE DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE ANYMORE.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: AUSTRALIA, WE'RE ABOUT TO GET OUR GODDAMN HEARTS BROKEN.
Top Comments
Australia, put your Ms out for Timm tonight. Any spare consonant, really, he'll need a few more to get through this and we're there for him.
He has my thoughts and prayers - he'll be just fine.
I can't say I'm a fan of the show or even watch but damn your recaps make me laugh like a deranged walrus.