A few years ago, I went to an incredible wedding. It was a biggie, probably the largest I’ve ever been to, with hundreds of people and a 10m high wall of roses. But of all the extravagant details, it’s the groom’s speech I remember most vividly.
When speaking about his new bride, he observed that in most relationships there is a Giver and a Taker. “I’m a Giver myself,” he noted (truthfully), “and so is Michelle. In the past, we’ve each always gone out with Takers.” The newlyweds locked eyes at that point and grinned at each other before he continued. “I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be in a relationship where there are two Givers. It’s a revelation for us both and I highly recommend it.”
It did sound pretty great, all that mutual giving. A Give-Fest. Imagine that. As the groom wrapped up his speech and my mind did a few calculations regarding my own Give/Take relationship history, I noticed a few elbows jabbing into ribs among the married guests at our table.
The rest of the evening was a revelation of a different kind as verbal skirmishes broke out between couples determined to establish who was The Taker and who was The Giver. There was much jockeying for position.
“I’m SO The Giver”, I heard one woman insist to her husband as we passed them on the dance floor. “Yeah, totally” he replied while rolling his eyes, “You give to yourself.” And then she hit him. Affectionately. I think.
With some couples, the starring role of Taker and the less flashy, supporting role of Giver are very clearly defined. From the outside, anyway (think about the couples you know). And it’s fair to say those roles don’t necessarily remain static. Over time, they can ebb and flow, influenced by a million external factors like kids, work, stress, money and health. Sometimes? You just don’t have much to give. Sometimes, your tank is empty.
Also, it would be a mistake – and a stereotype – to assume that women are always the Givers and men the Takers. Not so. I know plenty of female Takers and many men who are extremely nurturing. In a healthy relationship, I think it all balances out over time.
However, the idea of some people being inherently and consistently a Giver or a Taker is an interesting one. And it doesn’t just apply to couples and relationships. It can apply to friendships too.
I consider myself to be a pretty nurturing person. I’ve been fortunate enough to have had some generous mentors in my career and perhaps that’s why I’ve tried to maintain that same philosophy across all areas of my life. Well, except for the times when I’m too busy being a needy and demanding Taker to give a sausage. It happens. And not infrequently.
Still, it’s always a surprise when I encounter people who just Take. All the time. Unflinchingly. Or, as my friend Wendy puts it “Some people have a ‘receive’ button but no ‘send.’” And she’s right, you know. Spot on, in fact. Extreme Takers are a mental and emotional drain on your time, your energy and ultimately your patience. Know any?
These are the people who will sit at dinner or on the phone and talk about themselves incessantly. Extreme Takers will hijack your ears with their problems and barely make a token enquiry about your own life or well-being. They are a giant pain in the arse but they can be rather difficult to eradicate from your life because if you are a Giver, they will gravitate towards you and suck up everything you have.
Am I sounding bitter? Oh. Really? Why yes, I have indeed clocked a couple of these people in my life over the years and I have given them chance after chance to dig deep and find that receive button. Repeatedly, I have been disappointed. In my experience, Extreme Takers tend not to change.
On the most basic level, this taking and giving begins with small talk. There’s an unspoken understanding in female conversation called The Rule of Small Talk. It’s very simple really. You must seek information, and then offer it. You talk. You listen. You take turns.
There are some men who find this confusing and many a first date has come a cropper when a woman asks a man questions as per The Rule Of Small Talk. But while answering her questions, he becomes swept up in the subject matter and finds himself on a roll. ‘This is great!” he thinks. “She’s so interested in me and what I have to say! I must say more about me and then she’ll be even more interested!”
Except no. Sorry, you crossed that invisible line where you forgot to ‘give’ the other person a turn in the conversation because you were too busy taking all the oxygen in the room for yourself. No second date for you, buddy, let alone a glowing wedding speech. Take that.
Do you consider yourself a Giver or a Taker or a bit of both? Do you have any Extreme Takers in your life? Any tips for me on how to GET RID OF THEM?
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Top Comments
I'm a giver but sometimes to the extent that it's self destructive - I say yes to things I really don't want to do or give away things I love because someone else says they like them. In many other ways I am a total pain in the arse but I like to think I'm a good friend/wife/mother in this respect.
My husband is a taker BUT he tries so hard to be a giver it's hard not to love him! So he's sort of a self-aware taker, and able to have a laugh at his various "needs".
Now, on the topic of taker friends, I have come to realise after a 15 year friendship with an EXTREME self centered taker that if you are a giver, you can not in fact eradicate these takers from your life. An extreme selfish act will prompt the "That was the final straw" comment to various friends and relatives, who will all nod and smile because they've heard it before. A week passes, you feel bad that this taker really doesn't have that many close friends. They've been your friend for so long, it would be a shame to waste that history. Blah blah blah you're calling them asking what they're up to.
I think everyone knows someone draining like this who somehow manages to keep people around. It's a strange phenomenon as most of the time these people are completely unaware of how intensely difficult they are!
I am incredibly lucky to have a number of friends who are 'givers' in every sense of the world. They'll surprise me and my other friends with a flower or chocolates "just because" or offer to wash up when they know one of us is super tired and stressed. The actions of these friends remind me to always be thankful and to give back whenever I can- for who can say they will never need to 'take' when feeling sad, low or angry.