Diamond rings: a form of prostitution?

That's the inflammatory premise of an article that claims the whole diamond thing is a big marketing scam invented by diamond merchants De Beers and which women and men have been suckered into.
Writer Ken Mondschein says:

"Of course, in De Beers' defense, the pitch has to hit a receptive audience. Male engagement rings, popularized in the '20s, never took off in the way that men's wedding bands did. The marketing works because it ingeniously plays on men's complexes about love, status and money — if you don't buy her a diamond, it implies, you not only don't love her, you can't afford her.

 

The diamond ring is not only a symbol of commitment, but of status. What's more, the script is one of near-prostitution where the woman passively (or passive-aggressively) hints that a gift of diamond jewelry would be welcome. (Or, as Ron White of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour translates it, "A diamond — that'll shut her up!") In other words, the diamond script is profoundly anti-feminist."

I've always found the whole big ring thing distasteful. Girls who wave their rings around and somehow judge how much they're loved by the size of their diamond.....Of course there are those who claim the size of the diamond is somehow connected to the size of the penis - I mean ego - of the man who bestows it.

And I've lost count at the number of times "let's see the ring!" is the first reaction to the announcement that someone is engaged. Shallow? Materialistic? Or just traditional?

Comments

[Laurine]

I think it's a bit of everything. When I got engaged people all looked to my left hand straight away, but I had a "temporary" Dinosaur Designs ring that my husband proposed with. He knew I wanted to be suprised but he also knew I wanted to have a ring made that was like my great grandmother's. You should have seen people's reactions when they saw it. They were like... "oh, it's different" or "how modern" the relief on their faces was hilarious when I told them the 'real'one was coming. I have people often ask me about the carats but I don't know and SO could not care less. I know a photographer friend who said she wanted a new lens for her camera as opposed to a ring. And she got it. I couldn't help but be disappointed!7 years later the lens is obsolete... I don't know about her marriage.

For the record I am wearing the DD ring today (on my right hand). It's big, chunky sterling silver with green and blue resin. It's looks like a Rothko painting and if I never got the diamonds I don't think it would have mattered.

[lu]

I love a bit of bling and love admiring other womens diamonds. Its not shallow, I just love jewellery. I'm not into handbags or shoes. I love jewellery !!

What I find really vile and tacky is women who 'upgrade' their engagement rings as their finances improve over the years of their marriage. This is a big thing in my group at the moment as people start to reach their 15th anniversaries. That some people have no sentiment attached to their engagement ring and what it represents now and what it meant then is shallow and materialistic.

[Amy]

Wow Mia! Here I am agreeing with you on the whole thing again. Is it any surprise I check your blog some ten times a day? :)

I've been a diamond basher ever since well, I don't know, forever. To a point where I have to deliberately, and literally, bite my tongue in front of my girlfriends for fear of offending them.
Something about the "pack mentality" of the whole shebang surrounding diamonds really irritates me. I mean, just because every other girl's had a diamond, you also have to? Duh. But it's not just for the sake of going against the trend. I honestly don't see the difference between a diamond and a Swarovski crystal, or those new Secret Sh... stones. They're sparkling, yup. But if you don't go about yelling the cost of the ring for the world to know, they're all pretty much the same to me. I also don't see how "passive-agressively" forcing your man to fork out thousands of dollars on a tiny stone is a way of testing whether he loves you.

And like you said, how they all have to rush in to see "the rock" is just so shallow i don't know where to start.

I don't think it's a traditional thing at all. As far as I know, in the western world the engagement ring didn't always have to be a diamond. In Asian culture, we didn't even have engagement rings, or even wedding bands for that matter. Until recently when the craze started to catch on and many girls began to covet diamonds the same way they do an LV or Gucci bag.

A male friend of mine said something really interesting the other day, "How come we never discuss the cost of a gift in general, but when it comes to engagement rings, the price tag is EVERYTHING people want to talk about?"

Oh I can just sit here and rant all day about this. :)
Hope everything's going smoothly with the little bubba, Mia.

[Catie]

Ive never really been into jewellery at all, I have my few pieces that were gifts from people I love but thats about it. When my husband and I got engaged we actually fought because the wedding band I chose wasnt a real gem. We got married by the ocean and i chose a gorgeous ring with a blue stone that i knew would always remind me of that day (as it does)! for some reason he felt that it reflected badly on him because it wasnt an expensive ring. He even went as far as 'upgrading' it later on. The upgrade sits in my jewellery box because I feel that the ring I wear is so precious because it is the one we made our vows with.

[NumberChick]

Oh Catie, that's a lovely story.
My hubby & I chose my ring together - simple, not costing a month's salary, no idea about how many carats (if any really). He's talked about upgrading it but I'm not interested - thats not what engagement rings are all about. My mother upgraded her engagement and eternity ring - only because they were falling apart and my parents thought it was more cost effective to replace them than to fix them. I didn't get it then and I still don't. I even saw her rings later in the jewellers shop window - obviously fixed up cheaply and set to be resold. Unfortunately I couldn't afford to buy them but I was devastated - for whatever reason I was more sentimentally attached to them than her.

Incidently, I wore a ring from a christmas bon-bon for the first month until we found a ring we both liked. I still have it too.

[Laura]

hehe i agree with what everyone else seems to be saying... (i almost always do! gee i love the mamamia community) I don't see the point on spending heaps and heaps of money on a ring... when you're about to get married... so wouldnt that money be better put towards a house, or furniture, or the wedding?

i still want an engagement ring... but i really dont want a big fancy expensive one. as people have said, it's about the sentimental value more than the price tag.

i dont know if id go so far as to say diamond rings are a form of prostitution tho... they're just another form of materialism.

[Temmy]

Prostitution? That's just a tad on the strong side. *sarcasm
Weddings in general have become a way to show off - but women do get excited over the ring when you get engaged - it's the same as the dress. If you want to be cheap, you can go to K Mart and get married in a white dress, if you want to be extravagent you go to a designer. I just got married 3 months ago and the best thing is to prioritise the things that are important to you and the things that aren't so important. We had the best wedding ever (not just my words but all our guests said the same thing) and we did it for a quarter of the price of an average wedding. Yet, I have a friend who is wearing a $30K ring and their wedding will probably cost the better half of $50K as well. It's insane in my opinion, but it's what they want to do...
The priorities are to the couple to decide.

[Carm]

Well I have mixed feelings about this. My boyfriend and I live together and he's always talking about marriage however regretfully I dont think we could afford to do it for a few years.. Because of THE RING, BIG WHITE DRESS... etc Yes diamonds are expensive and weddings too but this is the world we live in... Can I or would you give up your dream wedding? Have a pokey little one when all your friends did it properly..? Just because the concept is materialistic.. to take a stand..? I dont want to be that person with the microscopic diamond or none at all..

[Emma]

I'm going to get my boyfriend an engagement ring when we get engaged - he said he wants one. But he doesn't want diamonds...

[Emma]

Also, after I watched Blood Diamond my view of diamonds really changed.
I would still like a diamond engagement ring though, someday.

[Em]

In response to lu's comment about "upgrading" your ring, I agree that it is generally poor taste, but my Mum and Dad did a really nice thing for their 20th anniversary: My grandmother (i.e. Mum's mum) had just passed away and left Mum her engagement ring, so they went to a jeweller and had a ring designed and made with Mum and Grandma's diamonds set into the melted down white gold of both their rings!
She now has a lovely, more modern setting for her original (much smaller than grandma's!) diamond, that she and my Dad designed themselves.
I guess it's not really an upgrade, more a consolidation!

And on another note, in the Coptic church the tradition is that when you become engaged, both the man and woman get a band to wear on the right ring finger, and when they get married they swap it over. I think it's a really nice tradition and you can tell when the man is already taken!

[Eliza]

Ok then Mia, you're married - what did Jason give you when you got engaged? And when you got married?

[lu]

To those of you who claim to not believe in diamond engagement rings, I bet if you were given a substantial solitaire you wouldnt hand it back.

[JLo]

I wasn't going to post on this topic but lu has tempted me to.

I have been given a substantial solitaire 2yrs ago from my partner (we are not married but have a child and are planning a long life together) and it's currently sitting in a safe at one of our relative's house.

It's a long story which I won't bore you all with, but to be completely honest, I don't wear it (and we have currently tried to sell it) because i don't relate to it and I don't think it suits me or represents our quirky relationship - it feels 'fake' for me to wear it.

Not wearing the ring, has NO reflection on how I feel about my partner, he is my soulmate and we an honest and real relationship - it's just that the ring to me represents everything i think we are not - big, flashy, traditional, impressive, conservative and showy.

I don't tell many people about it -esp women as they all tell me I am 'crrraazzzy' not to wear it or I get looks that say 'you ungrateful bitch he bought you a carat for god's sake!!! But I don't really give a hoot about what other people think about my relationship, all i care about is that he is ok with it. Initially my partner was worried as he thought I didn't want to commit but knows that is not the case. After talking about it lots of times, we realised, we don't need to show others via a big diamond that we love each other lots, we know what we have is special and would rather find something symbolic to us.

At this stage we are so happy with our life (and our beautiful little girl) that there is no wedding talk or interest for either of us. If/when there is, there certainly won't be a 30K budget, white dress, bridesmaids or anything a usual wedding involves. But we have already discussed that If/when we sell 'the diamond' we are going to try and find a designer that can design a simple ring that we can both wear as a sign of our commitment to each other and put the left over money into a family holiday or save for baby number 2!

[Carm]

J-LO... Thanks for sharing! That was beautiful...

[oates]

I married a guy who comes from a country where there is no tradition of giving engagement rings (Switzerland). He asked me to marry him, I said yes, he asked me if I wanted an engagement ring, I said no. My main concern about not having one was having to relentlessly explain to everyone (ie. all my friends and family in Aus) who said "oh, what's the ring like??" that it's just not what people do here, and having to put up with all the lame "oh, no engagement ring! You poor thing!" pity.

[kate]

Just call me Shallow Hal. I have a massive engagement ring. Sapphire and two diamonds. I have been married for three years and I still admire my hand every time I look at it. I will admit here (and nowhere else) that I often put fake tan on that hand to make it look even more gorgeous. I almost drove off the road just this week looking at my hand on the steering wheel. How can something so pretty be so wrong? It's just so SPARKLY!!!

[Peta]

My husband designed a ring for me and it has a heart shaped ruby in it. Each year I love it more. When he's not with me I don't take it off. It says to me and to other people that I am his love. Having a ring that is a special reminder is really nice and lets face it thats what it is supposed to be about.

[Dataceptionist]

Hmm torn on what to say here.

More women bashing? Sometimes topics like these turn into who has the best "oh yes I hate diamonds too, my husband gave me dirt for our engagement!" "Dirt! I got a starving Rwandan child! I am better than you!"

I'm never going to be unbiased on the topic of diamonds, I worked in a jewelery store. As such, I was never going to be able to look down at my hand and think a Swarovski Crystal or a "shh Secret" Cubic Zirconia looked like the real deal. To the trained eye, I'm afraid they simply don't.

I love my Diamond and white gold engagement ring, and I'm not going to be ashamed of that. I love it every single time I look at my hand. I love that my husband chose it, (with a little direction) and I love what it symbolises.

And for most of us, its the most expensive piece of jewelery you'll ever own, whats wrong with that.

Agreed that upgrading your ring is tacky tacky tacky. Wheres the sentiment?
What I also hate is couples that buy their eternity ring after only a year! A year is NOT an eternity! 10 years people!

[Makaleka]

Well, girls,I think it was DeBeers that coined the "A diamond is forever" thing, and of course in theory a ring is probably the one piece of jewelry that you never have to take off - not like a brooch, necklace etc. I have my late mother-in-law's ring - it's a big cluster setting - I married only ten years ago (yes, I had returned at least two engagement rings over the years)and we had to get it enlarged for my not so attractive fingers. With each passing year as the osteo gets just a little bit worse. it became more difficult, and now impossible, to wear on the ring finger, and what a relief! If you don't have attractive fingers, why would you want to draw attention to them? But to be absolutely honest, I don't really admire clusters, and what I really coveted was the BIG three carat ring of one of my MIL's friends! Now, that ring I'd have worn even if it was off to the enlarging man every year!

[Cath]

My ex bought me a flashy and expensive ring with 5 marquise diamonds in it years ago, in an attempt to manipulate me into getting engaged. It didn't work! He was big on flashy gifts, flowers, etc, as if this was all that was required to be a good partner - which he wasn't. If he gave me something that looked great to others, it probably meant I had been crying for the whole week prior to that. When I got engaged to my husband, we snuck off to Melbourne for the weekend to pick the ring, and chose a beautiful, simple diamond and gold solitaire. It's a nice size - I love it. I wouldn't have minded a slightly bigger diamond, but it's a beautiful ring. It's extremely difficult to get off my finger, which I guess means it's meant to stay there.

I occasionally put my flashy ring on as well, if I'm going to an expensive shop to buy something I think the sales assistant will think I can't afford! It works, I tell you! Or maybe it gives me confidence.

Anyhow, whatever makes people happy, and has the right sentiment attached to it, is the way to go. I don't think anyone should be put under excessive financial strain to buy rings to 'keep up appearances', though.

And the point to my own story is? The guy who bought me the flashy ring was an absolute bastard. It's a bit cynical of me, but sometimes I look at women with lots of diamonds and wonder what their husbands are compensating for! The guy I married didn't need to make a big statement, or compensate for anything, by buying big bling - he's great all the time. Anyone want to buy a flashy ring?

[Amy]

"To those of you who claim to not believe in diamond engagement rings, I bet if you were given a substantial solitaire you wouldnt hand it back."

heh heh Lu, you're right, I wouldn't hand it back, but would swap it for a 3-month trip around the world WITH my man. Or a yatch, for that matter, so we could sail away into the sunset. Ahh... :) That's more me.

My point is, do what feels right for you. Not what everyone else is doing.
You probably wouldn't guess, but I'm in the jewellery trade myself. And needless to say, i LOVE bling. But when it comes to engagement & wedding rings, like the other ladies have said, the sentiment is all that matters doesn't it?
I had to smile at Kate's story. Yes Kate, if you love your ring and are so happy in the relationship, then it's just beautiful isn't it?! Just drive safely though. :))

And diamonds are definitely NOT forever! They crack, too. Do a Google search if you don't believe me. I used to wear my Mum's diamond ring for a few years. Dad gave it to her some 20 years ago, but it's NOT their engagement ring because as I said, in Asia there used to be no such thing.
Mum lives overseas and I miss her like crazy all the time. One time she came over to visit and gave it to me. I don't even know how many carat or whatever it was. It could have been glass for all I care. I'd still love it the same way.
So I always wore that ring and it got knocked about quite a bit. One day I notice a feint crack and took it to the jeweller, and he said it was a gorgeous and expensive diamond but even diamonds suffer from wear and tear. So there you go! I'm only peeved that I have to leave it in the safe now for fear it'd break, and can only take out to look at whenever I miss Mum.

[Kelly@SHE-POWER]

I think it's hard to argue that the size of an engagement ring is a status symbol, otherwise why would people upgrade?

I'm a silver wearer and I like BIG distinctive jewellery. I don't like diamonds particularly because they're clear and boring so my husband knew I was never going to wear a traditional engagement ring. We had a medieval style rose gold ring made with big ceylon sapphires and some champagne diamonds and it serves as both a wedding ring and engagement ring. The diamonds were to please him because he didn't want people to think he couldn't provide a 'nice' ring for me. He used to talk about upgrading the ring (we've been married 10 years) but I've always said I love my ring and I don't want to change it, get rid of it, nothing. I still think it is the most beautiful ring I've ever seen and I have no idea how big the carats are.I also would have been just as happy if the diamonds had been semi-precious stones.

Kelly

[melanie]

I'm with Mia on this one. I'm not a ring basher, but for me personally I'm not big on the whole white wedding, diamond ring, squeal and cry when he proposes kind of girl. I love sparkly things too, but I think it has become more of a stutus symbol than anything else. And if the diamond isn't conflict-free (which most of them aren't) it just seems like a shiny, happy facade over something that has cost a lot of blood for someone else. Not very romantic, if you ask me.

Besides, I like to change my jewelry, and if I had to wear it all the time it would bug me!

[JLo]

Thanks Carm.

Dataceptionist, it's great to see you back - it's been a while between posts.
I haven't interpreted any of the posts as woman bashing, rather the message coming through for me is that an engagement ring is a personal thing and what it looks like and represents has to reflect what is right for each of us. Whether it's white or pink or big or small, full of diamonds or gem stones, is really insignificant.
It has beenn interesting to hear the honest responses from lots of people. (I esp loved Kate's honest and lovely response - keep your eyes on the road though Kate!)