Content warning: This post includes discussion of suicide that may be distressing to some readers/listeners.
No one can possibly predict what life would look like after the death of a sibling, especially when the cause of that death is suicide.
My brother passed away over a decade ago, but I am still surprised by what the aftermath of this event looks like.
I wanted to share what I didn’t expect after sibling suicide, as a means to create an awareness of the complex emotions suffered by families who are left behind.
Watch: Anderson Cooper discusses his brother's death by suicide. Post continues after video.
1. No one in the family will agree on how they feel.
One of the hardest things I have come to terms with is that no one agrees with anyone else’s take on the suicide. I know that seems a strange way to express it, "take", but I’m not sure how else to explain it. I have eventually found a sense of peace from the death of my sibling, because I chose to believe he is at rest after a long road of mental health concerns. In contrast, everyone else is mostly still angry or confused.
I soon learnt to keep my unique feelings to myself, it certainly didn’t get me anywhere in trying to support my family. To this day, a close family member still calls his death an accident. I have since learnt that this response is common and they are entitled to believe this. It is important to agree to disagree on this topic.
2. You will lose other family members.
I no longer have any contact with my brother’s partner or his children. When he passed away, his kids were in primary school and I was the doting aunty who was up to date with their life events. It has been a long road feeling guilty about the breakdown of our relationship, but certainly one I needed to walk. I soon realised when they didn’t attend my wedding, acknowledge the presents I’ve sent, or pick up the phone, that something bigger was going on.
I later learnt some of my family members had behaved questionably towards my brother’s partner, with conversations about inheritance, funeral arrangements, and suggestions on how to tell her children that their father had died by suicide. Basically, I think after these conversations, my brother’s partner decided it was best to create distance from us all, rather than pick or choose. Did this decision hurt? Of course, but after having children of my own, it gives me a perspective on the unique situation a mother can face.
3. Everyone will blame themselves.
One of the hardest things about my brother’s death was that it involved social media. Prior to his death, he posted something concerning that suggested he may need support. I saw it the next morning and remember mentioning casually to my friend that my brother was a little unstable. At the time I thought nothing of it, as it wasn’t uncommon for him to post these kinds of things. On reflection, I felt incredibly cruel and dismissive that I had talked about him so flippantly not knowing he had already passed away.
Another family member carries the guilt of seeing the late night message at the time it was posted, but not reaching out. Some, however, don’t see blame in themselves but like to point the finger - at parents, at friends or siblings. But no one is really to blame, suicide is often too complicated for that.
4. You will walk the fine line of protecting yourself and trying to create awareness.
It has always been important for me to be honest about what happened to my brother, but I also don’t want to be the poster girl for sibling suicide. It is hard upon developing a new relationship with a friend or colleague to casually drop in the my brother died by suicide fact, but I also don’t wish to never talk about it either.
His death also dramatically impacted my work as an educator. I spent the better part of two years frantically trying to "save" every student I could with mental health concerns. It is obvious now that I was doing this in a way to make up for the fact that I couldn’t save my brother. I have always hated the well-worn expression of my superiors at work, "You can’t save them all". But In time, I’ve realised, they are not wrong.
5. You may develop strange symptoms of trauma.
For me, this was in the form of night terrors. I had nightly rituals that would revolve around thinking something horrible was in the bed with me. Despite the seriousness of the situation I believed I was in, I was literally petrified of moving. This is when my partner stepped in and pacified me by pretending to search the bed for the mysterious, horrible thing, then it would instantly click that the situation wasn’t real.
My heart would stop racing, my breathing would return to normal, and I could move my limbs again. I would tell him everything was fine and go straight back to bed. He on the other hand was often awake for hours afterwards digesting how terrifying my behaviour was. Bless my psychologist who helped me work through this, which leads me to my final point...
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6. Sibling suicide will trigger a deep dive into the core of your real problems
The word trigger itself seems to be overused these days, but my brother’s death cannot be described in another way. It triggered a profound understanding of how my childhood had shaped me and how I needed to redevelop my relationships. I now look at my past self with a how cute pat on the back, when I thought I would need just one or two sessions with my psychologist.
All suicide is obviously life changing and heartbreaking to experience, yet in time my grief has lessened, and I feel some form of peace with my brother’s death. I believe it is important to be transparent about my experience to create an awareness of how suicide can impact families.
The author of this story is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons. The feature image used is a stock image.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.
Feature Image: Getty.