Image: Hannah and Marnie, just one of Girls‘ turbulent friendships (HBO)
Author and motivational speaker Jim Rohn once remarked that we are the average of the five people who we spend the most time with. And he’s right. As you’ve probably experienced yourself, who you surround yourself with affects the way you think, the way you feel, and the decisions you make.
For this reason, it’s critically important that we all surround ourselves with the “right” people and distance ourselves from the “wrong” people. But how are we supposed to know who the “right” people and who the “wrong” people are?
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This is something I really used to struggle with, so I asked a psychologist for his advice. Below is a simple exercise that he taught me to do, and it worked wonders.
I’ll lay it out like a high school science experiment, just for a bit of fun.
Aim:
To figure out who the “right” people and the “wrong” people to surround ourselves with are.
Materials Needed:
- An A4 piece of paper.
- A pen.
- A person that’s ready to learn and improve their surroundings (that’s you!).
Method:
1. Draw a mind-map connected to a centre circle that asks, “what do I value in a friend?” This should look like so:
Note: Do not rush this part. Make sure you really think about what you value in a friend so that what you write down accurately reflects your true feelings. The value in this exercise is in getting this section “accurate” – so if you rush it and jot down characteristics or personality traits in a potential friend that don’t accurately reflect your true feelings, this exercise won’t help you achieve the results that it can.
Conclusions:
1. Everyone who possesses the characteristics and personality traits that you’ve identified as valuing in a friend are the “right” people for you to surround yourself with. As a result, you want to make a concerted effort to surround yourself with these people, because you’re in all likelihood going to have really positive, healthy relationships with them.
2. On the other hand, people who do not possess the characteristics and personality traits that you’ve identified as valuing in a friend are the “wrong” people for you to surround yourself with. For this reason, it’s in your best interests to distance yourself from such people, because you’re in all likelihood going to have negative – perhaps even toxic – relationships with them.
I know this exercise sounds simple. I know this exercise may sound corny. But it can really work if you take the time to do it properly. Like I said, the value of it comes in taking the time to identify what you truly appreciate in a friend, because it’s this level of self-awareness that is ultimately going to lead you to make good, healthy decisions about who you choose to spend your time with.
How can you tell someone is the "right" person for you?