Is it ever a good idea to sleep with your ex?

You could say my last heartbreak was self-inflicted. I was moving to London and so we broke up. 

It was horrible and painful and hurt like hell. I still loved him with all my heart but just knew we weren’t meant to be. It was the end of our chapter. 

So I packed up my life and hopped on a plane and for six years I lived out my very best adventures — dating my way across Europe — until suddenly, I landed back home. 

Restarting life in Australia was hard, and living back at my mum’s brought back all the good memories. A lot of which involved my ex-boyfriend. And that bubbled up a lot of unresolved issues, all centred around one particular question. 

After six years I was still asking myself, had I made the right decision ending things with him?

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By the time we caught up for dinner, I was as nervous as I’d been on our first date. While as soon as I saw him, all that crazy attraction I’d always felt came rushing back. 

Wham. Straight to the heart. 

So, I kept seeing him, in a weird ‘friends but flirty’ kind of way, until one night he dropped me home and kissed me and all the feelings flooded in. 

Uh oh. 

A few weeks later we went camping, which is essentially ‘Netflix & chill’ for outdoorsy types. I’d had time to think about what was very likely going to happen — what I wanted to happen — but when it did… it wasn’t great. The sex was underwhelming. So, with all complications added on, we decided to go back to just being friends. 

Although, were we ever just friends? 

I guess not. Because a few months after that — just as I was about to move interstate — we found ourselves in the middle of the bush going at it against an information board in what can only be described as one of the single hottest moments of my life. 

I’ll skip the details because you can read all about it here.

But lemme tell you, it was far better than I ever could have imagined and life got a whole lot more confusing (and let’s be real, orgasmic) after that. But by the time all was said and done, I had my answer. 

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I loved him. I always would. But I really knew that we weren’t meant to be together. And it was only by hooking up again that I’d given myself that closure.

Holy moly, did I just self-help myself? I’m cured! (Jokes, I’m still working on a mental health plan for all the trauma dating has brought me.) 

But I wanted to know more, delve deeper, and understand what the heck we’re all doing. So I spoke to Alina Rose, a sex and relationships expert, on exactly that. Sex after the relationship. 

So, why do we even want to sleep with an ex?

“A lot of that depends on the breakup. Whether it was a peaceful one or whether there was a lot of turmoil and emotions. Sometimes people sleep with their ex because they are on great terms with them and it's just a source of comfort and that familiarity there with their bodies. It could be an interim solution for some low-investment intimacy. 

“But of course, for the most part, we're trying to use that sex and intimacy to work through some unresolved emotions. Whether it's trying to heal or get revenge or just kind of reconciling the non-sexual elements of the relationship through sex.”

Dear god, I feel seen. And often that attraction is still there too?

“That’s exactly right, but because they’re now an ex, there is also that element of not being able to have something that you want and wanting something that you can't have.

“So that attraction is there, but it usually tends to be laced with drama and longing which is why, for the most part, it’s so confusing and can really set back your healing process.”

Gotta love what you can’t have, but is it really that bad?

“Because of the chemicals that are released during sex – there's dopamine and oxytocin, the bonding hormone – being back in their arms may provide short-term gratification. But the minute the act is over, when you've gone home, you may be weepy, you may be emotional, and any boundaries that you’d set – any healing work that you'd done to get over them – you will have completely reversed and it may make it a lot harder to get over them. 

“It's definitely not the way to get back together because if people broke up, it's usually due to emotional growth, mental growth or lifestyle issues. Those things are not just going to resolve themselves through a really fantastic shag. Sex is not the way to solve non-sexual things. It's a trap to think that you're getting closer, but you're actually getting further away from the real work that you need to do, which is in the heart.”

Sex with an ex clearly worked out for these old flames. Images: Getty Images.

It worked out for me though, so there must be some benefits, right?

“Sometimes, after you break up, a friendship can remain, and if you're both single and there’s still a sexual connection, you could transfer to being interim lovers. That could create a really nice source of intimacy and then it just kind of fades out as soon as your emotional and romantic needs are met by a new person. 

“But you’ve just got to be really honest with yourself that you are both neutral and at peace. If there is any agenda about falling in love again or getting back together or showing them what they’re missing, your pain and grief is just going to be amplified through the connection. So very few exes can become friends with benefits in a healthy way but some relationships are like that.”

So, should former lovers do the deed or not?

“It all depends on how you broke up, why you broke up, and what you’re trying to achieve by sleeping with an ex. 

“Should people write a letter to their ex and process their emotions and grief or anger and perhaps not send it? Absolutely. Should they reach out to their ex and have a coffee for closure? Absolutely. Most of the things that people are trying to resolve through sex – which is the need for intimacy, for healing, for closure – don't get resolved through sex, because sex amplifies whatever is there. 

“But there is a caveat. Sometimes you just know it's over, but it's peaceful, there's no anger, you’ve grown apart, and sex can be a closure. That lovemaking thing: It’s a way of consciously uncoupling that can really work within real love and peace because sex amplifies what's there. If there's anger and resentment, sex will amplify it. But if there is love and gratitude and you just want one for the road, that can be good. But both parties have to be in that real sense of peace. 

“A lot of breakups do happen like that, and you just have one for the road and then say goodbye. It can feel like a nice time to really be intimate once more.”

Images: Getty Images.