Hello, Married At First Sight fanatics who I can only presume are hanging on the edges of their seats waiting for The Bachelor to air so we can have a much-needed injection of faux TV love in our lives.
I’m just going to come out and say what we’re all thinking.
Simon and Alene are over and we have three people to blame for it.
These three people:
Yep, the tatters of our favourite fake marriage are on the heads of experts John Aiken, Mel Schilling, and Trisha Stratford.
Because why - WHY - would they think Alene (from Sydney) and Simon (from Ipswich) are a good match? What about "you have a better chance of surviving a plane accident than surviving a long distance relationship" said to them, Why yes! Let's pair every couple with a stranger who lives thousands of kilometres away and then make them choose between them... or their job and home and absolutely everybody they have ever loved in the universe ever.
I'm not a neuropsychotherapist. Nor am I a dating expert. And yes, it took me 22 years to find a man willing to call himself my boyfriend.
But even I know matching people from different states is downright bloody nonsense.
Sure, we still have Sharon and Nick, but who knows what will happen? Our only true success story (the one that has resulted in the creation of a tiny human) has been between Zoe and Alex, from Season One.
I DON'T THINK I NEED TO REMIND ANYBODY THAT THEY WERE BOTH FROM VICTORIA.
I don't want to hear it about ratings and producers and yada yada yada. This is serious. This is LOVE we are talking about people.
(And for those of you who will inevitably tell me I'm "overreacting" and "have no life" in the Facebook comments, let me remind you we all invested valuable hours, maybe even days, of our lives in this freakin' show.)
I love the three experts, and they gave me oh so much joy when they roasted 'Jonesy'.
But if they choose to exclusively match couples from different states next season, I'll explode and it won't be pretty.