If you’re committed to your marriage, don’t ignore this.
By Cathy Meyer for DivorcedMoms.com
If you are married, having problems and sticking your head in the sand, where is your marriage headed? Divorce court!
I recently worked with a couple who were in year 21 of their marriage. According to both there had been trouble from “day one.” Twenty-one year’s worth of problems that should have been dealt with starting at “day one.”
Not dealing with their problems as the problems came up, led to years of built-up resentment for both. Hurt feelings, anger and emotional detachment from each other meant it would take a lot of effort to get the marriage back on track.
If you love your spouse and are committed to your marriage, do not ignore the follow six signs of impending divorce:
1. You fantasise about a life without your spouse.
I have a friend who recently divorced. For years before the marriage fell apart completely, she spent a lot of time daydreaming about how much better life would be without her husband.
This isn’t unusual, but if it is something you do often and with great abandon, it is time to seek help from a marital therapist. Talk with your spouse about whatever it is that is causing you to long for the single life. It won’t be a pleasant conversation, but your spouse should be given a heads up and your marriage (especially if you have children) deserves the second chance it might get through counselling.
2. The bad outweighs the good.
Problems in a marriage feed on inactivity. If you have problems and don’t seek solutions, the bad will soon outweigh the good. Marriages can become breeding grounds or a vicious cycle of one problem after another.
Do you and your spouse a favour, seek help and advice from a trained professional before the scales tip too far and you find yourself with unsolvable problems.
3. You don’t share your thoughts and feelings.
Yes, some things are sacred - you don’t need to share every thought or feeling - but you aren’t doing your marriage a favour if you don’t share marital unhappiness with your spouse. Unless you feel there is a threat of abuse (physical or verbal retaliation), communication is an important way to relieve stress and build a healthier bond with your spouse.
And problems can’t be worked through unless you are both aware of the problem.
4. Engaging in negative defence mechanisms.
Does your spouse become overly defensive when you express a concern? Do you dismiss your spouse’s needs? Does your spouse criticise your beliefs, or engage in stonewalling tactics? If so, you are at high risk of divorce.
If either of you engage in negative defense mechanisms when attempting to solve a problem, you are building more problems and solving nothing. This can be the kiss of death for your marriage.
5. You feel alone in solving marital problems.
My ex engaged in negative defense mechanisms. He avoided conflict at all cost. He was a master at walking away, refusing to communicate and dismissing my concerns over problems in the marriage. He kept his head so far up his butt he could see his tonsils!
If there were problems, I was responsible for solving those problems…with no help from him. He handed me full responsibility for our relationship on a silver platter and when I failed to solve the problems, as he saw them but failed to share with me, the marriage was over.
It takes two to make problems and two to solve problems. Hopefully you are married to someone who understands this concept.
6. One desires sex and the other doesn’t.
A marriage that lacks sexual intimacy and affection will either end up in divorce or end up being a marriage of convenience. Nothing is more damaging to a marriage or the self-esteem of a spouse than having a partner reject them sexually.
Want your marriage to die on the vine? Ignore the sexual bond with your spouse and stand back and watch it wilt.
How did you know your marriage was over?
This post originally appeared on Divorced Moms.
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Top Comments
Not sure where to begin, i'm crushed, heartbroken into pieces, rejected, lonely and often wonder how much i really meant in our marriage. Married in 2013, shortly after my spouse lost his mom, and soon after lost his dog. It was a trying period. Little did we know that his mom had left some unpaid bills and loans of which the dad wasn't aware of that my husband had to step in and bail him out. All the while being a newly married couple, needed to fulfil marital duties i.e coitus.. this however was not taken kindly and hubby thought i was pushing it too far given that he had to deal with the highlighted situation. My love for wanting children also became the elephant in the room, hence we completely stopped being intimate and the proposal of me sleeping in the next room came about. we've slept separately for 2 yrs now and nothing has improved. 2015 came and I needed a change, i had mentioned that i wanted out, lo and behold it looks like that's what hubby had been waiting for...fast forward, 2 months into my quest for wanting out, he's already having an affair?? Really! after weeks of thinking about Us i realised that i made a mistake and want Us to work, however, hubby seems to have moved on already, his phone rings like a call centre, he's cautious with his phone and has it everywhere he goes, he'll be reading texts and eagerly waiting for incoming calls/texts My God this is so painful i cant even breathe right, I have become a nuisance, everything i say/do is wrong. He's asked me to remove all my clothes from the closet and pack them in bags and wants me gone. His mentioned that he's not willing or trying to fix our relationship. God Almighty.. makes me wonder how much i meant to him. The hurtful thing is that i have mentioned that i want Us to work and that i'm still in love with him but he's asked me to show that love to someone else/ if i ever get a b/f. I recently snooped through his browser history and realised he's on dating sites and had been since summer, using porn, escorts and the women his chatting with All have children, so makes me wonder, Is it easier dating women with children as opposed to making your own with the woman you vowed to cherish and love through thick and thin?? I'm not even allowed in his room. Can someone hate you that bad within 2-month's making you feel worthless and not important anymore??? I have no more tears to cry and i'm just heartbroken/crushed, empty inside. He always asks what am doing over the weekend- he likes it when am not home, Could he be bringing this sluts home for sex. I'm still hopeful that God will save our marriage, hubby's actions though say otherwise. I need help, prayers and advice, should i hold onto faith that moves mountains or should i give up?? I don't know what to do because i'm in love with him but his fallen out of love with me....Suggestions please
I'm sorry you are going through all this turmoil. My advice is to move on. He isn't worth any more tears or time to be spent on him. Some people don't have the capacity to love another...they are handicapped and loves you only in the way he knows how. You deserve better!
Move on. He already has. Prayers and advice will not help you.