They might be gay. They might be single. They might have fertility problems. This subject, in all its incarnations, comes up often on Mamamia. We’ve heard from infertile women looking for eggs. We’ve heard from women who have donated their eggs. We’ve heard from a gay couple who have three beautiful children who were born via donor eggs and surrogates.
There was the controversy over Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s reference to the woman who carried their baby daughter as a ‘gestational carrier’. And in NSW, commercial surrogacy is now illegal. If you find someone who WANTS to carry your child or donate their eggs to you, that’s OK (after extensive counselling) but they cannot be paid.
This week, a story has come out about Queensland’s first surrogate mother who donated her eggs and carried a baby for two gay friends. She now regrets her decision. Not because they’re gay but because she feels like she’s given up her child. Tellingly, they never had counselling because at the time they were trying to conceive, surrogacy in Queensland was illegal. Now it’s not.
The Herald Sun reports:
AS Queensland’s first child born under the state’s surrogacy laws, Connor Harris’s arrival was a moment of unbridled happiness for proud parents Bentley and Matt Harris.
Bentley (left) and Matt Harris with their son Connor (via news.com.au)For his biological mother “Rosie” (not her real name), there has been nothing but heartache and regret since that historic day last May 11 when she gave him up. “As soon as the baby was born it all changed,” the married friend of the couple said. “I was crying in hospital when he was having his first bath, I couldn’t watch, I thought what the hell have I done? I never thought having a child and giving him away would make me feel like this. I regret everything, I don’t regret Connor, I regret the decision very much, I just wish I’d never done it.”
Matt said things changed after Connor was born, with Rosie wanting to be called b-ma (biological mother) instead of auntie Rosie as agreed before the birth. “We went into this just wanting to be parents and not having a third parent,” he said.
The Harris’s dream of having a family became officially true when they were granted legal parentage of Connor last October.
The gay couple are both listed as Connor’s parents on his birth certificate after Rosie agreed to legally transfer parentage in court. Bentley said he and Matt would explain to Connor who his biological mother was when he was old enough.
The recent legalisation of surrogacy in Queensland and the publicity surrounding Conor’s birth and his mother’s regrets has predictably provoked an independent group called Kid’s Rights Count (a branch of the Australian Christian Lobby) to release the following press release:
Same sex surrogacy ‘harms both mother and baby. The Bligh government is guilty of creating a new stolen
generation’The first birthday of Queensland’s first surrogate baby, Connor Harris, was no cause for celebration, Dr David van Gend, spokesman for the Family Council of Queensland said today.
“The Bligh government is guilty of creating a new stolen generation –removing babies from their birth-mother on the grounds of meeting the emotional needs of homosexual men.
“Certainly Bentley Harris and his male partner are having their emotional needs met, but baby Connor is not. Bentley tells us, ‘I come home from work and I look forward to seeing Connor every single day’. But too bad about a baby’s birthright and deep emotional need to see his mother, and know her touch and her love.
“And too bad about the deep emotional mess caused to a birth mother who has to relinquish the baby she has carried in her womb, labored to give birth, held on her breast and loved.
“Same-sex surrogacy messes with nature and harms both the surrogate mother and the baby. It must be banned again.
“The only hope in Queensland is that the opposition has vowed, in writing, to repeal surrogacy for single people and same-sex couples – as a violation of the right of a child to enter life with the possibility of both a Mum and a Dad.
Read more of the press release here
Ugh. My support for same-sex surrogacy remains. My support for surrogacy remains. And contrary to this farcical and plainly anti-gay agenda-driven press release, legal surrogacy would have PREVENTED the situation that happened above.
Conor’s biological mother did not have counselling. None of the individuals involved in this surrogacy arrangement did. Which is a disaster and has proven to be such. It simply proves to me that legislation cannot stop people from making decisions about their fertility. When abortion was illegal, women still had them. And they died or were horribly injured. If surrogacy is illegal, people will still do it but at a much higher emotional (and physical) risk because there is no independent infrastructure there to support them – with tests, with counselling and with expert advice.
What do you think about surrogacy and state governments becoming involved in decisions about how people can have children?
Top Comments
I am for sure for surrogacy and all reproductive treatments. I suffer from infertility. And I know about it not by hearsay. But my opinion is that surrogacy in such countries as Mexico, Thailand and India should be strictly banned. Believe me there are a lot of another option but not those countries. You cannot imagine how they can damage your life. I can just share my infertility story. I have a great experience in this sphere. When I was 28 years old I went through a serious surgery during which doctors had to dissect my ovaries out. Medical workers warned me of the consequences in future, in particular infertility. I had no choice in the matter because we did not think about fertility at that moment but how to save my life. Being 30 years old my husband and I gave thought to child. Having known my diagnosis we understood that I can bear a child only with the help of donor eggs and IVF program. Therefore, we gave a second thought to reproductive medical programs. We studied all information and chose the country where we can take advantage of ART. Of course donation as surrogacy is not legal in many European countries. That's why we decided to consider India. That country is seemed to be very attractive for infertility treatment. India is one of the most popular among such countries. Price for donation program is rather handsome. In addition we wanted to see tourist India.
So my husband and I packed our bags and flew to South Asia. We chose Akanksha reproductive medicine clinic that is in Anand city. There we were met by a friendly, pleasant woman, clinic director. She told us that all their donors are faith worthy. None of them smoke, drink alcohol or take drugs. Medical program takes place under doctors’ control and in accordance with all norms. Be that as it may, but all donors
there are of Hindu race. We have nothing against people of other nationalities. But still we wanted child to be like us, as far as possible in this case. We have taken note
of the Indian clinic. But if to be honest we had another reasons not to choose Indian clinic. You are completely right. I met some couples, who told me some horrible stories. I don’t want to judge and tell that India is a bad choice for surrogacy. But I am sure that couples should be serious and careful making a choice. This problem is not about money. Of course prices are very attractive. But some legends about India are not without a purpose. As other couples said, it is not truth that donors and surrogates are checked in a proper way. Most of them have infections, which they transfer to the unborn child. Donors also can have diseases and infections. Some of them can have genetic mutations which affect the child. Moreover if consider surrogate mothers, they don’t live in a good condition. They are very poor and don’t spend money for needed food and vitamins. Very often in India they give birth to ill children. I don't know how much it is true. But I am not so risky. Yes, of course I have
heard that horrible story about Thailand. This is very terrifying. We decided to look for another one. Then I considered Mexico. That was not so far away so it suits me more. Together with my husband we decided to go and visit some clinics we chose. This journey was a big surprise for us. Do you know that in the state of Tabasco the surrogacy program is not only for traditional families, but also for homosexuals, the
carriers of the AIDS virus/HIV and patients with viral hepatitis. Yes, this is Mexico. Surrogate mothers who are in the program, unfortunately, are not always checked properly. Not in all cases, they undergo a medical examination and testing. It entails a variety of diseases, malformations in the unborn child, complications with GS/childbirth, and much more. Any legally working and self-respecting clinic will never allow such violations. For me it is completely unacceptable! We went away from that country without any results. I was so upset. I dropped my hand. I need more time to settle all the information I have. We spent some money for travel in Mexico and it was our big mistake. So we continued our searching. Spain, “Dexeus-Salud de la mujer” clinic in Barcelona was a second enter we opted for. Visiting Spanish center we were impressed with the high level of organization and services quality. Having got to know all programs’ proposals and conditions we signed the
contract. After medical examinations (tests, ultrasound and semen analysis) we
have chosen a suitable donor and began stimulation. I took hormonal drugs during more than a month. Program was conducted with the use of frozen oocytes. Embryo transfer did not last long but was rather painful. Unfortunately, the result was negative – I was not pregnant. Doctors explained that it happens so because not all are lucky to become pregnant on the first try. As a result, they twisted our arm and we agreed for another two IVF attempts in their clinic. It should be noted that during this time we have spent a lot of money. We had to pay separately for each IVF attempt. In addition, expenses for accommodation, meal, transfer, some medicines and flight was also shouldered as a burden. But it is not the most important thing,
because our dream was so long-awaited child. After three attempts in Spain we have not reached our goal. After we came back home we talked to those who also
went through donation program. In addition we studied information about eggs cryopreservation and realized that the problem was just in freeze. Process of cryopreservation of genetic material adversely affects its quality. That’s why very often the result is negative. Having already some experience and being taught from own mistakes we continued our search for the ideal clinic. Russia was our next attempt to find happiness. In the Russian Federation doctors use fresh eggs and argue that " you will not go back home without successful pregnancy". Russia was a distant and unknown country for us. Rumors of its underdevelopment and poor service walked over Internet networks and forums. Nevertheless we decided to take a chance. Level of service fades in comparison with possible parenthood. Having arrived in St. Petersburg, “AVA-Peter” reproductive medicine clinic, we did not see high European standards. But it was quite good. Our doctor, obstetrician-gynecologist Stambulova Olga, listened to our history. She studied all medical records, conducted a number of tests and said: "Do not worry my dear, we will try our best. Everything will be ok!" We man up, psyched us up for success and started new treatment in Russia. Egg donor and I were stimulated in order to synchronize our menstrual cycles. Again and again I took hormonal drugs. I felt bad but had a firm belief in good result. After embryos transfer my husband prayed with bated breath. But... that attempt was not successful as well. We were a bit disappointed and downhearted. All these torments, clinics in different countries and numerous failed attempts had been lasting for ten years. During this time I had took an incredible amount of hormonal medicines. I went through a lot of medical tests. And, frankly speaking, I was tired mentally and physically. And one day we saw an advertising of reproductive medicine clinic BioTexCom. Centre offered unimaginable conditions and 100% guarantee of success. Medical package includes meeting at the airport, transfer, accommodation, meal and medical program with a certain number of attempts. All these are included in a fixed sum for the program. We paid not a penny more. Weighing all the "pros" and "cons" my husband said me: "I love you and
want to raise our own children. So I'm with you and together we will go through all difficulties". So we went to Ukrainian capital, Kiev. Center for human reproduction BioTexCom. We felt that everything will turn out good just having left the airport.
We were met by a clinic’s driver –friendly, polite man stood with a sign where our surname was written. He helped us with the luggage and conducted to the car. When he brought us to the clinic a pretty lady met us on the doorstep. She charted with us before our arrival and was our manager-translator during the program. She led us to the clinic. She offered coffee and we got to know each other better. She spoke English very well and we had no problems communicating. Then we visited a doctor, Elena Mozgova. She talked to us and conducted ultrasound investigation. The doctor told me that they conduct programs using exclusively fresh oocytes, apply best practices and have a high deliverable. She added that we were not the first ones in BioTexCom clinic who came after unsuccessful attempts made abroad. Further there were a standard procedure of stimulation, which I already knew by heart and embryo
transfer. In Ukraine, during preparation for the program, I took such medicines as
Progesterone, Oksiprogesteron, Proginova, Utrozhestan and various vitamin complexes. It is important to take into account the fact that all medicines
were given to me in the clinic. I did not pay extra for them. In BioTexCom center doctors calculate the perfect day for transferring. They use the highest quality biological material. Well, let alone all these details, as result tells louder than words. After the first attempt I finally got pregnant! We were as happy as a pig in mud! We could hardly believe that our dream came true. I was pregnant and we were waiting for our long-awaited child. Yes, Ukraine is not a country with European level, but people there are very kind and friendly. And doctors of BioTexCom are really professionals. And sometimes work wonders using modern technologies and unique techniques.
I believe surrogacy is wrong, women are not gestational incubators for profit.....I'm sorry, but i just see surrogacy as yet another way for women to be exploited, particularly in the developing world. it's a nice warm and fuzzy idea that a woman will have another woman's husbands child, out of the goodness of her heart....but what is the reality of this for the birth mother....what are the long-term effects of carrying and handing over your baby to another couple? i'm sorry for couples who want a baby and cannot conceive, but life doesn't always work out how you planned, that's life!! this is not the same as adoption, and there are plenty of overseas children in orphanages waiting to be adopted....