Nadia Uncensored: “I need to talk to you guys about my pubes. No, really.”

It’s Friday night, and I’m scrolling through photos of vulvas.

I’m trying to get to the bottom of something (pun unintended).

See, up until last week, I was under the impression most women had pubes.

That was before I posted a pic of myself on my Instagram, sans pants. (If you already follow me, you know posting half-naked pics is a non-event, because, #mybodymychoice, #endslutshaming, and all that.)

In the pic, I’m lying on my bed in a tee and undies, eating a chocolate penis I recently received from a publicist. (Perks of being a sex columnist: I get sent all sorts of inappropriate adult freebies.) Said pair of undies were of the semi-sheer variety, so, if you looked hard enough, you could see faint evidence of the fact I am in possession of pubic hair. Not a big deal, I thought.

A few moments after I hit ‘Share’, the commentary erupted.

“Nice bush” wrote one. “Rocking an old-school style downstairs, I see”, came another. “Did I just see hair between your legs?” chimed in a third.

“Hey, at least she keeps it trimmed,” a fourth countered, seemingly in my defence.

Wait – were my pubes seriously the odd thing in this picture?? NOT the comically large edible dick I was posing with?

Half scandalised, half intrigued, I consulted Dr Google for answers, only to stumble into a Twilight Zone, where it indeed appeared hair no longer existed on human vulvas.

 “I showed my college boyfriend what actual pubic hair on a woman looks like for the first time… He had never seen the full extent of pubes,” a woman shared on a Reddit thread dedicated to the topic.

“I sometimes go full bare, and was when my boyfriend and I met. I told him straight up that I don’t always do that…” another chimed in; continuing, “he responded, ‘Just if you have hair, you’ll have to wash it.’ I died laughing. I’m almost 30, and this dude told me in all seriousness that I need to wash myself in the shower. I’m like “…do you think I wasn’t already washing my vulva just because it’s shaved?”.”

WHAT. WAS. HAPPENING?!!

I decided to consult some of my more open-minded male friends over beers that night.

“Look, I’m not against the bush,” began one in a patronising tone.

“…but no way in hell am I ever going down on a girl who has one.”

“Yeah, I don’t do full bush,” admitted another.

“Agreed. Pubic hair is dirty,” a third nodded along.

Yep. We are living in a post-pube society, it would seem. No, really. A study conducted last year found a whopping 30 percent of men consider pubic hair on a woman an actual “relationship deal-breaker”, while a further 46 percent were vehemently against it. And most women aren’t even fighting it. Research published in JAMA Dermatology confirms 84 percent of us are happy to play along, be it through waxing, depilatory cream, laser, or electrolysis.

“The increased prevalence of pornography that depicts bare genitalia, popular magazines, and television are primary drivers of the trend,” the study’s authors noted.

They have a point. Browsing PornHub is a bit like playing “Spot the pubes”; if it were a drinking game, no one would be getting buzzed. In fact, you don’t even have to be trying to bust a nut to be confronted with images of hybrid hairless females. Find me an ad for literally any hair removal product that doesn’t depict an already completely hair-free woman “shaving” or “waxing” her non-follicled body. Go on, try to.

It’s bad enough we already have to sit through those stupid menstrual product commercials where an alien blue liquid is poured into a pad, because women aren’t allowed to bleed actual blood. Or the arguably more ridiculous “feminine hygiene” washes and perfumes that remind us we must never smell remotely like actual humans. Can we at least not let it slip that hairlessness is not the default state for most women??

Don’t get me wrong. I’m pro choice. If you genuinely enjoy the process of giving an overly aggressive woman half your week’s paycheque to have boiling wax poured all over your lady parts and ripped off, one torturous strip at a time, by all means – go for it! Just make sure you’re not doing it because you think you need to look like one of the women on RedTube, or because your partner shames you if you don’t. (TBH, any guy who won’t eat you out ain’t worth your time, in my book.)

Because besides the pain, cost, and regrowth itching that inevitably becomes so unbearable you have to duck into dark alleys to scratch your vulva till it’s redder than Malcolm Turnbull’s face after the Liberal spill – pubic hair removal has another cost.

If you regularly wax or shave your pubes, you’re at an 80 percent higher risk of contracting an STI. EIGHTY percent. There are honestly very few compelling reasons to de-pube – our pubic hair serves a very real function. It’s there to trap bacteria and other harmful infections, so they can be washed away in the shower, rather than end up in the delicate skin around our vulva. (Our bodies are cool and crafty like that.)

So yeah, if you don’t mind, I’m going to continue to hold onto my pubes. They may be a dying legacy, but I’m just not yet ready to live in a world where having a bush is a bigger deal than a giant chocolate penis.

Stay up to date with Nadia’s sex and dating misadventures on Instagram.

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