Shannon's 5 kids were conceived via the same anonymous donor. Years later, she tracked him down.

Twenty years ago, Shannon sat in a small office with her partner, staring in hope at a geneticist. The couple wanted to start a family, and were there to see if they were eligible for a donor. 

Shannon, who is gay, had very limited options for donors back then because many men were not willing to father children for homosexual couples. 

"It was very much a case of, 'You tell us what you're looking for, briefly, like what would you say are your top three things. And then we'll see what we've got.' I told the geneticist first and foremost that my partner [at the time - the couple have since broken up] and I wanted someone who was willing to be identified when the kids were older because to us that was really important," Shannon tells Mamamia.

"And then we basically just tried to match characteristics of my ex-partner, along with the fact that 'sporty' to us was really important because I'm a very sporty person and also it's just a great way to meet people. It's a great life skill and it brings so much enjoyment."

Aside from that, Shannon asked for "medium skin" because she's got "your typical pasty English, Irish fair skin" and really wanted her children to have skin protection in the sunny climes of Australia. Blue eyes would be nice because her partner at the time had blue eyes and so did her mother.

The geneticist flicked through her book of donors.

"At that stage, donors could nominate whether or not they wanted to donate to lesbians, and many didn't. And so she came up with only two that she told us met that criteria. There was one who liked footy and surfing and was a sports administrator at a school. And that sounded really good to me because my parents are both teachers. And honestly, that was all the information we had. We didn't get to read the profile," Shannon says.

"I can remember trying to sort of look and her sort of pulling [the book] away a bit. I felt that it very much had the feeling of the 'under the table, we keep this information, we tell you only what you need to know'... I was very young. I just assumed that was the process. I certainly wasn't going to ask any questions because I was just grateful that we were given access, based on the fact we were a same-sex couple.

"So we just kept our mouths shut and did as we were told, and blindly trusted that everything was as it should be, and that the clinic knew all the rules and regulations. We were just grateful." 

In the end, all five of Shannon's children would be conceived via the same anonymous donor, starting with her eldest, Zac.

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It was only after Shannon had given birth to Zac that she began to gauge just how unregulated the fertility clinics were. She was at a daycare with her son and chatting with the owner when talk turned to donors.

"She said something about this other couple [who was also same-sex and had a child at the daycare] and how they had been certain that they were going to have a girl, which they were excited about, because their donor was a surfer so he spent a lot of time in the ocean. I don't know whether it's an urban myth or whatever that if men spend time in lower temperatures, they're more likely to produce girls. And I said, 'Oh, that's interesting. Because our donor liked surfing too'," Shannon says.

After comparing a few notes on the donor, it became obvious that there were a lot of similarities.

"It was just this huge, big punch in the stomach. Just the shock. I don't mean in a negative way. It wasn't positive or negative. It was just this penny dropping," she recalls.

"And I just went, 'Oh, my goodness.' And we just left it. We didn't say another thing about it. We just sort of both looked at one another. Both absolutely gobsmacked. Just not really game to talk about it any further. And then she said, 'Look, I'll go away and I'll talk to the girls and find out what their donor number was'."

The donor numbers did indeed turn out to match, meaning that little Zac had a half-sibling. Once she'd had time to process the news, Shannon decided it was a very positive outcome.

"You know, it felt like a really nice connection. Surreal, but after I'd gotten over the shock, I didn't feel any kind of threat by it. I just thought, 'Well, isn't that lovely?' And what a coincidence, small world. The other family, on the other hand, went the other way," she says.

"I've learned over the years that this is a very polarising issue for a lot of same-sex couples, because some really want to embrace the donor sibling factor. Others feel it threatens their nuclear family. And that ended up being the reason why they pulled [their little girl] out of care, and eventually moving away. And we have not had any contact with them or anything like that, which really hurt me. It really upset me at the time. I now have a much greater understanding of their perspective and their freedom to make that choice.

"I do wonder whether they'll ever tell their kids, because they had another set of twins after that, with the same donor. Everyone has their own views on the importance of that information. Some people feel it undermines the relationship of the mums. I have a different view. I just feel like it is that child's genetic information. It's factual. I don't think it does any good to hide it."

Shannon had always been intent on her kids knowing who their biological father was, once they turned 18. It was the one criteria she was adamant about when choosing a donor. Yet, years later, during some routine paperwork, she found out that the donor was not willing for any contact at all.

"We specifically wanted someone who was willing to be identified. I brought my son up literally saying to him, 'Look, okay, mate, you do have a biological donor.' He always had a curiosity about the male that he had come from. Whenever he would get upset about [not knowing who his biological father was], which kids do - they look at other kids and what they have, and they compare themselves - I'd always say to him, 'When you're 18, I will help you, I promise, we will track him down and you can find out who he is.' And that had appeased him, knowing that that was there in the future, even though he wanted it sooner," she says.

"So when he was roughly about 10, I then had to tell him, 'Mate, I am so sorry. But somehow there's been a mistake. There's been a dreadful, dreadful mistake'."

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Shannon asked the clinic to contact the donor, to see if perhaps he had changed his mind in the intervening years. But they advised her they'd lost contact with him.

And that was that.

Well, almost. Like Sarah, Shannon is stubborn. She wanted to leave no stone unturned. So she signed up to a donor sibling registry website, where donor children can find each other and, if keen, get in contact.

A few years later, there was a match between Zac and a boy named Josh - they were siblings. Between Josh's mother, Jo, and Shannon, they actually managed to track down the donor father.

"And it turns out, he is a tradie... Zac and I sat there together and phoned him," Shannon reveals. "We just wanted to hear his voice more than anything. I had no real plan. And Zac was very, very keen to hear him. Same as me. We were curious and wanted to know what he sounded like... And so I put it on speaker, and he sounded nice."

Not knowing how to approach the situation, Shannon made up a story about having a plumbing issue. "And he was beautiful. He was so helpful. And he was happy to come out and have a look for us. And that right there left me with the hugest ethical dilemma in itself."

Once off the phone, Shannon and Zac knew there was no way they could have him come over to the house. As much as they would have loved to have seen him in person, they could not trick him like that. 

"Ultimately, because more than anything, I owe my kids to this man. I have my children; there is nothing other than gratitude I feel. There is nothing I need. I would love some kind of contact for my kids. But again, if that was not something that he wanted, then I 100 per cent respect that. I can't change that. That's the decisions that he made," Shannon explains.

"I ended up calling him back and saying, 'Listen, I just spoke to you before. I have to come clean. I don't have a plumbing issue.' And he said, 'Oh, okay.' And I just kept talking. I just said, 'Look, okay, blah, blah, blah. I have five kids, and I think you're the donor.' And, at first, he just said, 'No, no', but he just kept listening. He kept listening to what I was saying. He didn't hang up. He didn't interrupt me. He just kept listening. So the more he listened, the more I spoke. And even though he protested at first, I just kept saying, 'Look, my kids are beautiful, and they are the best gift that I could ever have had. And more than anything I'm calling because I want to thank you for what you've given to me.'

"And then I started talking about Zac and how sporty he is because I knew that this fellow was, like, uber sporty, very, very sporty, just from the research that I'd done. He just kept listening."

Shannon told the man that the clinic made a mistake, in that she had always asked for a donor who would want to meet his kids one day, or at least be identified. She apologised for tracking him down. 

The donor admitted he'd done the donations when he was young, and hadn't given it much thought since. He had a seven-year-old child and had just started seeing someone. 

"It was just too big. I think for him, it was too big, you know? And I said, 'Look, I am never ever going to contact you again. I want nothing from you. And I completely respect whatever it is that you decide about this matter. I'm going to give me my number right now. And if you choose to contact us again, that would be great. But if not, then, you know, I wish you the very best. And the kids want for nothing. We're not looking for any kind of helping parenting - they have their parents. That's not what this is about. This is purely because the clinic made a mistake. And I needed to know, for my son, whether or not you still felt the same way that you did back then'," Shannon says.

It has been four years since that phone conversation, and Shannon has not heard from her children's biological father. She doesn't believe they ever will.

"And that's his decision. And there's nothing we can do about that. And that's fine. It's not what we would choose, but it's not his fault. He was given a set of conditions at that stage," she says.

"However, what it's led me to think now, in retrospect, because of recent movements, and the more I've learned about this issue, the more I think it's wrong that kids are not able to know their parents. My feeling, as it has always been, is that every person has a right to know their genetic origins. And ultimately, that's never changed for me. My kids now cannot access that information. Now, if you donate, you have to be willing to be identified or identifiable. Once the child turns 18. Because it's a human right... However, that is not applied to retrospective donations."

Zac no longer believes that donor identities should be accessed. "He feels very protective. He feels like the donor has donated and was told that his identity would be protected. Zac now feels it's wrong [to find out the donor's identity]," Shannon says.

"But I also think he has the luxury of knowing, because we found it out anyway, if that makes sense. He knows. He's got a name. He knows stuff about him. There are so many kids out there who are in Zac's position and have no option to know that stuff."

The mum-of-five is fine with donors being able to veto being contacted, but she thinks there should be a "central list" where important information about the donor gets updated, like medical information for example. "My kids have a right to that information too. We don't have a right to impact on his life, if he doesn't choose to have that. I fully support that. Surely, somewhere in the middle, a donor can say, 'I don't want contact, but my medical details are on file'."

The reason Shannon is speaking out publicly is because she knows so many people's lives depend on the fertility clinics getting it right.

"Same-sex parents and people who need sperm donors are not going anywhere. The fertility issue is a multibillion dollar industry. It's so much more expensive now than it ever used to be when I first started. The demand is so much higher than it ever used to be," she says.

"I just think it's time. The issues need to be dealt with."

If you have any questions, go to donorconceivedaustralia.com.au/contact-us.

Australia Uncovered – Inconceivable: The Secret Business of Breeding Humans is on SBS and SBS On Demand.

Feature Image: SBS.