I'm feeling nervous as I jump in the car with my good friend Helen and we drive across town to take part in a sexual self-care and pleasure workshop.
We had just been swapping messages about what to wear, because, what does one wear to learn about orgasms and lubricant? Honestly, we weren't sure, so we settled on the classic 'jeans and a nice top' combo before she arrives to take me away from my kids for a few hours of sex-positive learnings.
As we approach the converted warehouse venue, Helen and I giggle and wonder what exactly we have got ourselves in for. Who else will be there? Will they be kooky sex addicts, or women with serious sexual issues?
The first thing I notice when I walk into the beautifully decorated room with the discrete display of sex toys at the back, is that at 43, I am definitely the oldest person here. Probably by an entire decade.
Some toys on display. Image: Supplied.
I wonder if this means that other women of my age know everything there is to know about sex and pleasure, or that younger women see the benefit in being better educated on the topic?
Later, as the zero-alcohol sparkling wine flows and the group opens up about their sexual experiences, I believe the latter is true.
They might be mostly in their twenties but like me and my friend Helen who works in public relations, they are teachers, communications professionals and graphic designers; 'normal' women who are keen to learn more about their bodies and how to have better solo sex.
The vibe is friendly and warm; a girls' afternoon tea with a side order of vibrators – a sort of 'Penis, (Pinot) and Picasso' if you will.
Abby our stylishly dressed and informed host, kicks things off by thanking everyone for coming. She gets emotional explaining how COVID and a low period after the birth of her second daughter left her unsure she would ever get to fulfill her passion. But here she is, and she is pumped to teach us all the things.
After we've loaded our plates with cheese and crackers, she starts by explaining who she is and what drove her to start her business, Pleasure and Peach.
Abby is on a mission to create empowering and fun experiences for women where we can connect with our bodies in a way that's free from shame and stigma. Armed with a Bachelor of Psychological Science and specialising in sexology, she is also all about giving a proper evidence-based sex education in a beautiful space with great grazing boards.
Sex, cheese and (zero-alcohol) wine. Image: Supplied.
My initial nerves have gone: I feel her passion and I am totally invested. I wonder why we don't all spend our Sunday afternoons chatting about pleasure?
She tells us how for the next couple of hours she'll be guiding us through topics such as our erogenous zones, female ejaculation and the benefits of solo sex. Then after a short break we'll all be back at the table to pass around and touch the sex toys, lubricants and sexy accessories.
This is so much more exciting than making awkward small talk at a kids' party.
As a Gen X female who came of age in the 1990s, self-pleasure wasn't something I spoke a lot about with friends back then.
I went to a catholic school and our sex education was awkward and focussed only on procreation. Our pleasure was certainly not a factor and any teenage chat about 'wanking' was as a joke aimed at teenage boys, who might 'go blind' if they overdid it.
I have always enjoyed solo sex, but for too long it felt like a dirty little secret. Times have changed, thank goodness, and so there was something very freeing about being able to discuss masturbation and pleasure as a group.
It was also very reassuring to have Abby explain the many benefits of solo sex ....and no, you won't go blind. Solo sex and orgasms elevate our moods, relieve stress, help us fall asleep, reduce period pain and build a connection with your body that will help you learn how to be touched by someone else. Amen to that.
Abby described the importance of language and teaching our kids the right words for our body parts.
She said that calling your vulva a 'vagina' is a bit like referring to your whole face as the nose. The vagina is the tunnel where the penis goes in and the baby comes out and the vulva is the whole shebang. By talking about your vulva as a vagina, it also discounts all the other highly important bits like your clitoris. And the clitoris is what 95 percent of vulva owners need directly stimulated in order to achieve orgasm.
While I know how important the clitoris is in my sex life, something I didn't know before sitting at that table was about the A-Spot, also known as the Anterior Fornix Erogenous Zone. Abby says the G and A spots don't bring pleasure to everyone, but that some fun solo sex play with a certain type of toy and plenty of lubricant can allow us to find out.
Honestly, it seems like a rainy day activity I can get behind.
Abby says that while she's all about the solo sex, mutual masturbation and non-penetrative sex play in couples is highly underrated and also very fun. I wholeheartedly agree.
For too long the patriarchy has spoon fed us the 'Hollywood' sex lie where couples start having hot and heavy 'penis in vagina sex' before magically orgasming together. This notion of the 'wham bam thank you ma'am' sex has helped no one. Women are faking orgasms and men don't know how to help us.
Abby says that it's time we all re-wrote the sexual script.
Because us women are magical multi-orgasmic creatures, but we will only ever reach our potential if we do a bit of exploring and communicating. By this stage I am inwardly cheering because how awesome are women and vulva owners?! And we haven't even got to the sex toys.
Abby reveals so many facts and interesting discussion points that I am literally hanging off her every word.
We discuss the importance of lubricant and not just any lubricant but quality lubes that support our vulva's natural flora. We pass around and try a few different types on our fingers and they are warm and silky and the thought of anything going into my vagina without this lovely goo now seems abhorrent. Two of the lubes are fruity flavoured to elevate your oral sex experience, I try one, and it's sweet and why does it taste like a lolly?
Abby telling us ALL the things. Image: Supplied.
Abby explains how we must not use silicone lubricant with silicone toys and the women exchange practical tips like putting down towels before play and using baking soda to remove stains from bedsheets.
Finally, it's time to pass around the sex toys, and if we were all a little polite at the start, that veneer has since slipped. The mood is jubilant and everyone gets a top up of the zero alcohol bubbly for kicks.
We laugh at the different styles and designs of the toys while discussing our own personal favourites and the dodgy vibrators of our past. These are mostly candy coloured and weirdly shaped and as someone with a lot of shoes, I suddenly wonder why I've only ever had one vibrator? This seems... neglectful on my part.
Some toys are like sweet little sugar mice, designed to sit neatly between your thumb and forefinger to stimulate the clitoris. Other toys are long, curved and made of a special glass to hit that sweet G or even A spot. Some vibrators are as Abby describes, 'entry level' where others take on a more 'boss-level' vibe.
As we feel their 'rumbly' vibrations in our hands, questions are being asked about female ejaculation and anal play. The anal vibrator with the wide base (so it doesn't get lost inside) as well as the pretty coloured anal beads that look like Scandinavian Christmas decorations, cause quite the discussion.
Abby recommends for anyone keen to try anal play, why not start your journey solo and find out what you like before inviting a partner to join in. And don't forget the lube. The good quality kind, obviously.
By the end of the afternoon, I had completely forgotten about being the oldest gal in the room.
It all felt very healthy and fun, and I was buzzing with the energy you can only get from learning new things and having your mind opened to possibilities.
I purchased some quality lubricant (no going back now!), a natural gel with no flavour by Sliquid Organics, the Swan Wand Original in pink and the cheeky Glas 7" Curved G-Spot Stimulator in clear. I'll also be needing my own lockable sex toy cupboard sooner rather than later.
As Helen and I loaded our new goodies into her car, we reflected on how the workshop and discussions with these women were refreshingly honest; no topic was off limits. The only time we have previously spoken about self pleasure or sex toys is after one too many cocktails and we vow that will have to change. If only to find out how we both used and enjoyed our new toys.
I head home feeling empowered and ready to tell everyone to learn about and prioritise their sexual self-care and pleasure but first; I think I might need to spend some time alone.
The Pleasure and Peach signature sexual self-care and pleasure workshops cost $125 per person and are held in Newcastle, NSW.
To find out about Pleasure and Peach workshops and products visit the website.
Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos (mostly of her outfits), follow her on Instagram and TikTok.
Feature Image: Supplied + Mamamia.
