Feminism and women’s rights have progressed significantly in the last decade.
The gender pay gap is closing, the tampon tax was finally abolished, and the #MeToo movement forever changed the conversation around sexual assault.
But, for single women, there seems to be one major area that hasn’t caught up to 2020 feminism.
Modern dating.
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Now that dating apps are the norm, we decide whether we want to meet someone based on a selection of carefully curated images, and shows like The Bachelor and Love Island are among Australia’s most watched television shows, nobody knows what the rules are anymore.
Who pays on the first date? How long should you wait to have sex? Should you wait… at all? Can hook ups ever lead to love? What about marrying a stranger?
It’s confusing. And actually despite the fact that many aspects of dating – Tinder, reality TV shows, sliding into a stranger’s DMs – are so very 2020, it seems that many of the old-fashioned rules still apply.
Don’t believe me? Take a recent episode of Oprah Winfrey’s hugely popular podcast, Super Soul Conversations, in which Winfrey interviews Greg Behrendt, the author of He’s Just Not That Into You and his wife, Amiira Ruotola.
As the couple share their dating advice, Behrendt, 56, seems to blame women for the current state of dating.
“Women have lowered the standard for dating, that dating has become unrecognisable. It’s at a point where it’s like ‘tweet, tweet, sleepover, break up.’ That’s what dating is now,” he says. “The reason that this bar is low is because people’s self-esteem is low and they will allow themselves to accept something less than a date and that is the problem.”
The couple then ask their panel of ‘everyday men’ to share what they think of common dating ‘mistakes’. On the topic of sharing too much information on the first date, they advise the following:
“On a first date, I don’t know that much about you, quite honestly, really. I’m just trying to figure out if we have chemistry, if we can talk,” says one male.
“Please don’t share how many kids you want to have right away. If you have ADD, or that your dad died when you were two. Or that you’re obsessed with cats,” answers another.
It gets worse. They also tackle the age-old question of whether or not to have sex on the first date.
One man says, “Ladies, as far as sleeping with a guy on the first date: that’s all good and well if that’s what you want to do. Just understand that you’re probably not the mother of my child.”
Another adds, “Anytime I ever had sex right away with a girl, the relationship never lasted. Anytime I’ve waited? Those were the relationships that have lasted. Those were the ones which were a little more memorable.”
An third man concludes: “It depends on what you were looking for. If you’re just looking to have a good time, then have sex right away, that’s fine. But if you really want a man that respects you, you want them to come back, then you have to act like a lady.”
Behrendt agrees.
“It would be great if it was different, but it’s not,” he says.
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Now, there’s a lot to unpack here. The advice is horrifically outdated, but if it’s dating-guru AND Oprah-approved, then surely there must be a contingent of women who think they need to hear it, as well as hoards of men who still believe in it.
Behrendt and Ruotola want you to know that as a woman, you’re ‘enough,’ that you need to ‘know your worth’ but therein lies the contradiction. Don’t be too vulnerable, don’t share too much of yourself, don’t put out, and most importantly remember that respect is earned, not given.
Thankfully this rhetoric will sound old-fashioned to many, especially millennials.
Speaking with Melbourne-based Psycho-Sexologist and relationships expert, Chantelle Otten, I asked why this 'hangover' from old-fashioned dating exists. Otten, who is currently working with the dating app Bumble, says it's down to differing views and levels of acceptance of feminism.
"It's probably that they [men] are not as woke about feminism, but remember that not all women are either. Some like the old-fashioned way, being courted by a potential partner. And that is really ok as well," she says.
It also comes down to how we, as a society, view women's pleasure.
"We haven't been taught a huge amount about female pleasure, so many women don't believe it applies to them and in turn don't know if they have permission (even though they absolutely do) to ask for it," Otten adds.
"That goes back to women wanting pleasure, wanting to be equal, wanting to initiate. I think it's a societal growth factor and the fact that everything takes time to become the 'new normal'. We still have a very conservative culture with sexuality and women's wants and needs in general, this is part of that equation."
As for how much you 'can' or 'should' share on the first date, whether it's a match made on an app or in person, Otten advocates "laying it all on the table".
"I'm a really big believer in laying it all on the table, with humour and having fun. I really think in 2020, we can actually just be ourselves," she tells Mamamia.
"I definitely know that when I met my partner, I just laid everything out there and just went: this is what we're dealing with and this is what could happen but if we're here on this journey together, then we're going to have a lot of fun.
"Dating really is meant to be fun and you're meant to feel okay with trying to get out there and show yourself to someone new."
As for Otten's opinion on sex on the first date?
"If you want to f**k on the first date, then go have sex. Just use protection," she says. "We're woke."
And it's true. We are, on the whole, getting better. Many women are taking charge and creating their own dating rules - mainly, that as long as everyone is comfortable, safe and consenting - you do you.
But if we are searching for true equality, then the current dating sphere has a lot of catching up to do.
Do you believe in rules for dating? Tell us in a comment below.
Top Comments
When I was 19 I slept with a guy the first night I met him..... been together for 21 years now.. happily married with two kids !!!
I'm a little sick of the word 'woke', I see it over-used by the left and weaponised as such by the right.
Opinion columnists writing for the Australian love to use it mockingly.
Oh, and sleep with someone when you know them or lower your expectations of outcome.
It was 'woke' that caught your attention?
I'm over here huddled in a corner trying to work out a Psycho Sexologist and the qualifications needed, which sounds rather Kathie Bates to me, but with a softer hammer
Woke is the same as the word feminism, to some it’s an empowering term of something great. However, if you aren’t woke or feminist it’s often a term of scorn or contempt.
It’s like calling someone racist. If you actually met a real racist and called them that, they’d likely just shrug and say, “Yeah?”
As for the article, what attracts a guys attention is often not the same thing that keeps it. Boiling it down, at some point he is looking at you as the mother of his children, exactly like one guy in the article alluded to. Now comes the conundrum, being a career driven woman does not help here if he thinks you’ll push the kids into childcare as soon as possible and be more focussed on the job than motherhood. Sorry, but I didn’t create society, it’s just the way it is.
The other problem is a supply and demand one. Women vote left, men vote right. If you look at the 2016 election in the US, I think 46 states majority of men voted Republican, 50 states majority of women voted Democrat. Woke activism says you could never date a Trump voter. Whereas conservatives don’t hold this is a rule. Given your average feminist ally isn’t top of the tree generally, woke women increasingly have a supply and demand problem. Not enough eligible woke men, so either accept dating a conservative or stay single. If you try to date someone and chisel away at their fundamental beliefs and outlooks, you may be in for an unhappy time.
Agreed on 'woke', not so agreed on the rest of the stuff.
I like women who are engaged with their job/career and it wouldn't factor into my assessment of a 'good mother'.
I agree that someone on the right is more likely to partner with someone on the left, than vice versa. My two bits here differs to yours and might be offensive - I think that, in general, tolerance plays a role in this decision. It's easier to live with someone with high levels of tolerance. Trump got voted in on a wave of racism towards hispanics, in general, Trumpers are going to hold intolerant views that are really going to grate on someone who doesn't judge people in that way. Commensurate levels of education and cosmopolitanism are also important in a LTR. I think that most people who have risen to success in industries where women are well-represented, are allies of women. Men who are not well exposed to women either professionally or personally can hold anti-feminist views. A fear of the unknown.
One major reason, IMO: Women are more likely to vote left because the left are not trying to reduce their access to modern medicine or introduce other restrictions to their lives. Pretty rational behaviour, really.
Interesting points well put. Not sure the anti feminist position is fully teased out though as a majority of women in Britain, US and here don’t identify as feminists either. I think that’s factor of the natural tendency of social movements to overreach. Same happened with climate change and refugee advocates. All these started addressing valid issues but ended up tanking by going too far. Only the Greens will openly touch boat people, the other parties know it’s now electoral suicide. Same with illegals in the US, Republicans openly encourage Democrats to talk about open borders and free healthcare for them as they know it’s electoral poison. I think Greta represented the high tide on global warming for most people.
Women definitely vote for free stuff whereas men vote more for freedom. The irony is Australia, US, Canada and UK are all in the top 10 most liberal nations on abortion. The majority of countries in the world do not permit it outside of special circumstances and then you had China who going the other way, used to enforce it after one child. It’s in the lefts interest to make out abortion is under a serious threat, it isn’t, to help keep the female vote. Virginia for instance, has been talking about post birth abortions in law, which is horrible and designed to provoke conservatives into opposition so they can claim abortion is under threat.
Another irony is the pro choice movement has a big supporter in the White nationalist movement as they know abortions are majority done with minority women. Georgia for instance, over 60% of abortions in that state are from the black community which is only 14% of the states population.