Rosie's Top 20... Ways to be a viral sensation.

Welcome to “Rosie’s Top 20…” A weekly list about whatever I think deserves a list. Because the internet does not have enough lists, and I’d like to do my part.

This week, a strange cloaked figure was filmed approaching a park and leaving slabs of raw meat on the grass.

The initial reaction of the internet was, “OMG! Creepy! What’s going on?!? Let’s all share this terrifying/bizarre footage with our friends!” My immediate reaction was, “This is clearly a stunt that has been orchestrated with the sole intent of going viral.”

MY FAITH IN THE INTERNET HAS BEEN LOST. I just don’t believe anything anymore. Any bizarre story I see, I’m convinced it’s just someone hoping they’ll go viral and make a million dollars like the ‘Charlie bit my finger’ kid. Nothing is organic anymore. Spontaneity is dead.

Here’s how you can make sure you become a viral sensation:

1. Propose to a woman in such an extravagant way she probably doesn’t even need to be there.

2. Wake up from oral surgery and in a drug-filled haze and say something ridiculous – the more embarrassingly sexual, the better.

3. Be a cat that is unable to successfully jump from one surface to another. Or walk backwards down stairs. Or open your eyes really wide when it rains.

4. Post an enraged 500-word rant on Pizza Hut’s Facebook page. Insist that your lack of olives represents the decaying fabric of society.

5. Make your best friend’s wedding all about you by choreographing he ‘BEST GROOMSMEN DANCE OF ALL TIME.’

6. Give your baby something really disgusting to eat and hope they make a hilarious face.

7. Be really attractive, have a best friend who’s really attractive, and do an epic sing-a-long to a classic Disney tune together in your car.

8. Get an old person to do a young thing. Go on tinder, smoke weed, hold a dildo, twerk to a Tyga song etc etc etc

9. Do something random, like dress up as a clown and stand completely still in the middle of a playground at midnight.

10. Sit next to a couple in a cafe who are breaking up. Live-tweet the whole thing. Add your witty commentary on their pain.

11. Be a useless dog who can never catch anything.

12. Be the father of a little girl and be seen in public holding her doll or wearing a tutu or something. #FATHEROFTHEYEAR

13. Wait at the airport until a really cute soldier is reunited with incredibly excited golden retriever.

14. Be a supermarket employee with even the most minimum amount of decency. Carry an elderly person’s groceries to their car or pick up something a pregnant woman has dropped. BOOM. Viral hero.

15. Give your kid a really shitty present that’s been wrapped really elaborately. Hope they have an extremely polite or extremely bratty reaction.

16. Be a really sassy animal at a zoo. Scare the shit out of some kids, or push another animal off their branch or something.

17. Get drunk on a plane, lose your mind and be strapped to your chair by flight attendants.

18. Meet a girl on a train. Start a creepy city-wide search for her on social media and morning television shows until she’s pressured into going on a date with you.

19. Be a cute kid with several cute kid friends. All wear hightop sneakers and do a flashmob in Target.

20. Hunt and kill an innocent animal. Pose with its lifeless body. Instant fame!

You should follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. Also, she’s written her first book (which she thinks is quite humorous) and it’s coming out soon. Pre-order it by clicking RIGHT HERE. 

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