Australian of the Year Rosie Batty, who lost her son Luke Batty to family violence last year, has listed some early warning signs of abuse in a relationship.
Trigger warning: This post deals with family violence and may be triggering for some readers.
If we can empower women to recognise the signs of an abusive relationship, she may be able to escape harm. Abuse is not just physical – it can take many other damaging forms.
Speaking at the All About Women conference at the Sydney Opera House yesterday, Ms Batty spoke frankly about the need for the legal system to be overhauled to better support victims.
“Why, as women, do we have to work so hard to be believed when we talk about family violence?,” she asked.
“Our organisations who respond and should be responding with the best interests of our victims in mind … let us down because, you see, strangely, a woman can’t be believed,” she said.
“We have to work until we have every policeman, every magistrate, every judge understanding the complexities of family violence.”
Speaking to Full Stop Foundation patron Tara Moss, who hosted the session, Ms Batty reiterated that, contrary to the common misconceptions, abuse can take a number of forms including emotional, spiritual, sexual or financial.
Asked by an audience member what warning signs may signal that a relationship is abusive, Ms Batty said: “They confine you. They bring you down. They insult you.”
Overall, she said, a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself rather than enjoy the “lightness” associated with a healthy relationship, should set off alarm bells.
She added that “isolation” – the tendency for perpetrators to isolate their partner from support networks — and controlling behaviour were also red flags.
Related content: Mia Freedman talks at the All About Women conference.
Ms Batty and Ms Moss both emphasised that without serious intervention, early signs of abuse would escalate to more life-threatening forms of violence.
“Violence is a continuum,” Ms Batty said. “Violence will always get worse without major intervention.”
Rosie Batty’s advice to women living with violence, as she mentioned on Q&A. (Post continues after video):
It’s important advice that needs to be heeded. So print it out, email it to all the women you know — do whatever you need to do to spread the message that violence often starts subtly and then escalates.
And if it’s a friend you’re worried about, experts in domestic abuse and women’s proitection previously told Mamamia about several simple, important signs that someone you know could be in the throes of an emotionally abusive relationship. The things to look out for include:
1. Her confidence is bruised.
An emotionally destructive person will tease, criticise and humiliate their partner until they’re a shadow of their former vivacious self. Your friend might be anxious, jumpy, or so deep in self-doubt that it changes the way she speaks and behaves around you, her trusted buddy.
2. She has to ask permission to leave the house.
An emotionally destructive relationship makes a cosy home into a prison. If your friend doesn’t have free reign around her own home, lives under surveillance there, or can’t leave without being granted permission, that should be a huge red flag. Happy couples are autonomous.
3. She uses words like “jealous” and “controlling” to describe her partner.
It’s very rare that your friend will come out and say, “I think I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship”. That’s why you have to look out for subtler hints she drops in her choice of words. Saying he’s “jealous and controlling” could be the closest she’ll come to admitting something’s wrong.
Related content: This is how emotional abuse happens.
4. She cancels plans with you at short notice, without explanation.
An abusive partner likes to keep their victim on a short leash, constantly reminding her that she belongs to him. Forcing a woman to cancel her social plans at last minute is a swift way to remind her that she belongs to him.
5. Her partner controls what she’s allowed to wear.
A free, emotionally independent woman can wear what she wants. A trapped woman has to follow rigid rules about what clothes she can wear in public, what make-up she can wear, and how she looks outside her home.
6. She cuts phone conversations short when her partner comes into the room.
This could mean her partner is either listening to her calls or monitoring her contact with other people. The emotional abuser wants to keep his partner captive and all to himself, so if she wraps up a conversation abruptly when he ‘catches’ her talking to other people.
Here are Rosie and Tara at the All About Women event at the weekend:
Related content: If your friend starts receiving abusive texts, show her this.
If this post brings up any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. It doesn’t matter where you live: they will take your call and, if need be, refer you to a service closer to home.
Top Comments
I summoned up enough courage to put my ex into the court system. Thankfully I was believed and the court realised that my ex had some serious problems. To this day he still denies having done anything wrong but thankfully no objective onlookers believe him. The surprising thing I found was that they asked my then 9 year old whether or not he needed supervision to see his father. Why would that decision be given to a child? Why would a child who has been physically assaulted by his father be spending time with him unsupervised? That's a decision for a professional who knows enough about family violence. That professional was the one who passed the responsibility of the decision to our child. I was also disturbed by the fact that my ex-partner's Lawyer was allowed to ask me why I didn't leave earlier if he was so abusive. Why would a Magistrate even allow him to get away with asking that? How Judgemental and demeaning was that question? Fancy representing a family abuser and not understanding anything about "Battered Wife Syndrome". Further indication that we need to educate the professionals in this area so their attitudes change. Blaming of victims for not leaving must stop now. It took so much strength and courage to overcome my low self-esteem due to substantial psychological abuse over a long period of time, yet still I was being criticised for not finding that courage earlier. I'm a survivor of family violence and I grow stronger every day. I am proud of myself for finding that courage and improving my life and that of our beautiful son. I am learning Taekwondo now to help me feel stronger and more empowered. I go where I like and do whatever I wan't to do without answering to anybody trying to control my every move. I am still ever mindful of the fact that a violent man doesn't stop being violent without extensive treatment. I know because we have a child I will always need to see this man and have some form of relationship with him but I move forward hoping I have the strength to not suffer any further abuse at his hand or that of anyone else.
You have no idea. There is no help, if I had of known that by leaving the abuser I would never see my children again I would never have left.
People say there must be more to it a court wouldn't take your kids, well they did, my abusive ex convinced a consultant he was in gear for his safety and the children's, he is mentally unable to co-parent with me, I then got labled and had my children taken despite police, child safety, even the magistrates court state he is abusive and extremely worrying. I have never been in trouble with the law, clean home, good job no problems and now still in the court system no help. No money and javent seen my children in twelve months because of false allerhations, I would have stayed if I knew this would happen.
The saddest part is our children will never know how much their mother loves them because the system won't change.