When I first tuned into Riverdale in 2017, it was a silly little high school murder mystery involving a love triangle and a dude who never took off his beanie.
So, colour me shocked when I read that the synopsis for the show's final ever episode on August 23 would involve the cast returning to the present day after spending an entire season in the 1950s(???)... and that this happens after they'd previously gained superpowers, shut down an organ harvesting cult, fought a bear and lived through the epic highs and lows of high school football.
This has got to be the most batsh*t crazy TV series of all time, right?
In celebration — or commiseration — of the show's grand finale after six years on the air (and the subsequent freedom of its cast, including KJ Apa, Lili Reinhart, Camila Mendes and Cole Sprouse), here are the *most* bonkers things to take place on the *always* bonkers ride that is Riverdale.
1. Jughead's famous "I'm a weirdo" speech.
Actually, should #1 simply just be "there is a main character called Jughead"?
One of the show's most meme'd moments happens in season one, when Jughead points out that he's weird. Because it really needed pointing out.
"In case you haven't noticed, I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit in and I don't wanna fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That's weird."
I just know that Cole Sprouse lies awake at night and feels haunted by this speech. And that actually makes it even better.
2. Veronica's speakeasy.
My 15-year-old self was going home to log in and out of MSN Messenger all afternoon. I certainly wasn't running an underground club for minors, that kept its doors open by running an illegal casino ring and providing alcohol smuggled across the Canadian border.
But those are just casual after-school activities in Riverdale!
3. The epic highs and lows of high school football.
Archie pleads guilty to manslaughter after being framed by his girlfriend's father. And that's honestly the most normal part of this tale.
In juvie, he is absolutely horrified to learn that his fellow inmates have missed out on one of life's great traditions.
In one of the show's greatest ever dialogue moments, a prisoner tells Archie he "dropped out in the fourth grade to run drugs to support [his] nana".
"That means you haven't known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school football," Archie replies, before organising a game.
4. The many, many musical numbers.
But especially when Veronica and the school cheerleaders performed 'Jailhouse Rock' outside of the juvie prison during the aforementioned football game.
Because WHAT on EARTH.
Archie wasn't lying about the epic highs and lows!
The Carrie musical episode was also truly something, especially because I would've thought they'd be too busy dealing with all the murders, cults and supernatural activity taking place around town to learn choreo!
5. When Archie fought a bear (and won?).
After breaking out of jail (where there was also an illegal underground fighting ring taking place, just FYI!), Archie lives in exile in the Canadian wilderness.
He becomes a park ranger of sorts, because of course he does, and one day is attacked by a bear. We don't see the bear attack, but we do see Archie bleeding from his chest, hauling himself back to his cabin, and radioing for help.
He's unresponsive by the time help arrives, but that doesn't matter! By the next episode, he's fine. In fact, he walks back to Riverdale and is taking his school exams just days later.
6. The Gargoyle King and Gryphons and Gargoyles.
Running adjacent to Archie's jail/football/bear character arc in season three was another plot, involving a murderous villain that looked like this:
The Gargoyle King was revealed to be Betty and Jughead's half-brother, who was actually not her half-brother but actually an imposter. But just in case that's confusing, Betty and Jughead's real half-brother later turned out to ALSO be a serial killer (and fake half-brother and real half-brother were dating!!!!)
And there was also an accompanying Dungeons and Dragons-style game called Gryphons and Gargoyles that inspired anyone who played it to sacrifice themselves. Naturally.
7. When Betty went 'dark'. Again and again and again.
After Veronica is slut-shamed by a football player named CHuck Clayton early in season one, she and Betty plan to get revenge.
They lure Chuck with a threesome and get him to confess the truth on camera, but things take a turn when Betty emerges in a black wig, speaking in third person and with a "truth serum".
She almost kills him while disassociating, in what was our first introduction to 'Dark Betty'.
Later, Dark Betty emerges to perform a pole routine at her boyfriend's father's retirement party, in order to be welcomed into Jughead's gang.
It's potentially the most cringe thing I've ever watched, exacerbated tenfold because she's doing all this after performing a karaoke version of 'Mad World'.
Reinhart eventually asked the writers to stop giving her Dark Betty storyline.
"It was supposed to be this dark side of her that she wasn’t able to express otherwise, and it just became this weird sexual thing that people didn’t really understand," she told Teen Vogue.
So, you're tell me the cast had authority to request plot changes? And yet...
8. An organ harvesting cult and Chad Michael Murray's rocket.
I cannot express how convoluted the plots were in season three and four. As well as jail footie and Gargoyle kings, the group were also dealing with a new group in town: The Farm.
To cut a long story short, The Farm was an organ harvesting cult.
After Betty and her mother — who was secretly working for the FBI??? — put a stop to that, the cult's leader Edgar Evernever, played by Chad Michael Murray, dresses up like Evel Knievel and plans to escape in a rocket (with Betty and her mum tied to the front of it!)
9. The Red Circle vigilante group.
Archie's dad is shot by a masked gunman known as the Black Hood. Overcome with guilt, he gathers his football mates and forms a group of teen vigilantes, who wear red masks and no shirts.
He creates a PSA video, directed at the Black Hood, and promises "we will find you, we will hunt you, and we will end you". I hope Liam Neeson got royalities.
Oh, and PSA: The Black Hood turned out to be Betty's dad.
10. Cheryl Blossom hanging out with her brother's corpse.
Riverdale began as a murder mystery following the death of Cheryl's twin brother, Jason Blossom (it was there dad, by the way). But at the end of season three, Cheryl brings his body home(????) and spends a lot of her time in season four hanging out with her dead brother's corpse.
When Cheryl's girlfriend Toni realises what's happening, she even lets it continue a little longer.
11. Kevin's tickle fetish career.
Shows always need subplots. But they don't always need subplots like *this*.
In season four, Kevin, who is always just... there, gets recruited by a guy named Terry to make tickle fetish films. Kevin ropes in his mates and they decide to make an independent website.
This pisses off Terry, who sends scary men to threaten to break Kevin's fingers. He'll "never tickle anyone again", they say. What a threat!
The storyline conveniently ends when the school principal tells them they've broken copyright laws by wearing their school uniforms in the videos.
12. When they faked Jughead's death.
To avoid him actually being killed at the hands of... private school kids.
They really had me going with this one!
13. Everyone got superpowers.
After Veronica's dad plants a bomb under Archie's bed (are they TV's greatest enemies?), an explosive sends everyone into an alternate universe called Rivervale.
Yes, RiverVALE.
Here, everyone, including Archie's dog, got superpowers. Archie was ritually sacrificed. A ghost kidnapped babies. Sabrina Spellman from The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina showed up for some reason, as well as the devil who was actually a different devil to the one in Sabrina. Veronica attempted a threesome with two multiverise versions of her boyfriend.
RiverVALE Jughead then discovered the existence of RiverDALE thanks to a comic, and for reasons why brain simply cannot reconcile, must spend the rest of time writing comics in order to stop the two universes from imploding.
14. Cheryl stops a comet from destroying the world.
There's a lot of time travel and multiverse mess here, which is beyond absolutely everyone's understanding.
All I know is that at the end of season six, a bad guy whose name is Percival Pickens cast a spell that saw a comet hurtling right towards Riverdale (and probably also RiverVALE too idk).
Veronica absorbed everyone else's powers and then transfered them to Cheryl, who used her phoenix powers to stop the comet.
Unfortunately, this somehow sends everyone back in time to high school in 1955. Because... yeah. At this point, why question it at all?
15. Jughead was the only one to remember life before the 50s.
In the final season, the group are once again high schoolers, but now it's... 1955. And Jughead is the only one who can remember life pre-comet.
Thanks a lot, Cheryl!
And just like that, the epic highs and lows of Riverdale draw to a close. What a ride.
Feature image: The CW.
Love watching TV and movies? Take our survey now to go in the running to win a $100 gift voucher.