Four years ago I learned what a broken heart really meant. I found out what it felt like to have the wheels of life stop turning around you and the next step not be known of what to do. Four years ago my 6 week old baby died in my arms from SIDS.
My second born child was a little boy, giving me the matching boy and girl pair to the 2 year old little miss I already had. He was a healthy little boy who loved to sleep in his sling and besides for him having slight reflux we barely heard a sound from him and we all adored him.
On the 21st of September 2007 life as I knew it fell apart. At 5am my little boy was stirring, my little miss came in ready to start the day and I sent her back to bed insisting it was too early to get up. I often question myself what would have happened if I did not try and grasp another 5 minutes of sleep that morning.
At 5.45am I checked on my baby. Bailey didn’t stir. I stood up, suddenly wide awake and looked down at my son who looked peacefully asleep. I gently nudged him and called his name and got no response. I tried to wake him and got nothing. I panicked and my heart was racing. I called 000 and told them that my baby had stopped breathing. After running through the particulars and them dispatching an ambulance they instructed me on how to give mouth to mouth and CPR to my very still, tiny, little boy. My heart was breaking into shreads with every breath I blew into his tiny little mouth.
The ambulance turned up…actually 2 ambulances and a paramedic car. The whole time they were working on him on my lounge room floor I continued to think “It has been too long”. They raced him to the hospital and bundled me into another ambulance to get to the hospital. Strangely enough once there I instantly had a sense that everything would be ok, it was a hospital of course with all these machines and staff and they save premmie babies all the time! They asked me if I wanted to go in the same room and watch him being worked on, I declined as I didn’t want to be in their way. Moments later my husband arrived at the hospital and we sat waiting. A doctor came in and announced the news… They could not save my little boy.
I sat in shock. Shock, one of the many stages of grief. Along with anger and denial, guilt, pain, depression and eventually acceptance. Having to go through all of the police inquiries and the autopsy and explaining to my 2 year old, the funeral. It was all moments I spent in a blur. The first 12 months were the hardest, even more so when my marriage broke down months later. People often commend me for being so strong and ask me how I manage to keep going on, and to be honest I just do. I know that if I did not have little miss I would not have managed, although forcing myself to move on everyday was a chore I had to do it though, I had to get up everyday for my little girl and I am so thankful that her love helped to heal me.
It did take me a long time to be able to be around another baby boy. I now have a 13 month old little boy. I am very protective of him and watching him like a hawk if he sleeps for an extra 5 minutes and I had all the breathing monitors available on the market to monitor his breathing when he was born. But even though my family is now complete it doesn’t mean we never think of Bailey. We talk about Bailey almost every day, there are photos of him all over the house and in my wallet and I do as much as I can to raise awareness for SIDS.
This is why my post comes to you today. Today is Red Nose Day, held annually in June, it is the major fundraiser for SIDS and Kids.
Sadly each year over 4,300 babies and children die suddenly and unexpectedly from sudden infant death syndrome, stillbirth, fatal sleeping accidents and accidental death. Over 50% of these deaths still have no known cause. Funds raised through Red Nose Day activities assist SIDS and Kids in providing vital services and programs to the Australian community including:
- Free ongoing bereavement support and crisis outreach to families and the community following the sudden and unexpected death of a baby, infant or child • 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!
- Education to thousands of parents, carers and health professionals on how to reduce the risk of SIDS and fatal sleeping accidents through our world class, evidence based SIDS and Kids safe sleeping program
- Research into the causes and prevention of sudden and unexpected death of babies during pregnancy, birth, infancy and childhood.
Help support Red Nose Day, buy a red nose, be silly for a good cause and think of Bailey and the many other angels who have left the arms of their parents too soon today.
You can donate to my Red Nose Day fundraiser here.
If this post has brought up any pain or sorrow pleas call Kids and SIDS 24 hour bereavement support line on 1300 308 307.
Top Comments
I have just read your article and feel so unbelievably blessed to have Oliver, my fifteen month old. Like another lady who posted I will always think of Bailey on red nose day.
Thank you for sharing your story Claire.
I'm so sorry to hear about your little boy Bailey. But I smiled when I read that you still keep photos of him all over the house and in your wallet and you talk about him everyday. My younger brother, aged 13 months died of Spinabifida when I was five. Shortly afterwards my parents broke up too.
Your daughter will forever be grateful to you for keeping Bailey's memory alive. I know that I am to my own mum and dad. I still feel him around me even twenty years later. I still miss him. I too wrote a piece about him for this website and I'm sure writing this has helped you in your own grief.
My mum had another daughter to her second husband about six years after my brother died. I was angry at first but now we have the most beautiful relationship and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We speak of our brother often... even though my sister never met him and she calls him her big bro and it makes me so happy that she feels a connection to him because mum and I speak of him often.
Sending lots of love to you and your family xx
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