There are lots of not so fun things about being pregnant, but for this mum, those magic pregnancy hormones have solved problems that doctors never could…
If I’d known that falling pregnant would fix so many of my ailments, I’d have been up the duff yonks ago. I realise I sound like an 82 year old woman using the word ‘ailments’ but at 32, I seriously felt like a ripe old duck… a duck with ailments.
At 13, when the wonderful womanly changes happened to my body, I was smacked violently in the face (or should I say head) with migraines. Debilitating, painful, rotten migraines. A dark room, a bed and complete silence were on my monthly agenda for around 15 years.
Nothing would get rid of these bad boys. If I added up all the coins I’ve spent over that time trying to fix this problem it would probably be equivalent to a small yacht or a night out with Justin Bieber (did you hear the tool just spent $75,000 in ONE night?).
Botox, Reiki, Massage, Chiro, Osteo, Hypnosis, daily anti-migraine meds, meditation courses, counselling, diets. You name it, I tried it. I was at my wits’ end.
Then it happened. I had sex, I fell pregnant and VOILA: migraines gone! Like a bloody miracle.
My magic preggo hormones got rid of something that no doctor or amount money could seem to fix. If I knew this was my magic potion I’d have been pregnant at 13 when this all began. I could have even made some money from MTV and appeared on one their teenage pregnancy shows. Oh, if only I’d known!
I realise there is a flip side to this for many a pregnant dame. While some of us become ailment free, others have an influx of them.
At the moment a handful of my friends are ‘with child’. We sat around talking about how we are finding our pregnancies the other day and there was a massive divide between the pregnant lovers and the pregnant haters. Some of us got the magic hormones and the others are finding pregnancy really rotten.
The pregnancy pros for some of us are pretty incredible. One of my friends can now do the splits. Yes the splits. Her limbs are as flexible as when she was seven. She has turned into a big bellied Gumby.
Another friend is having seriously wild wonderful multiple orgasmic sex. Eeew, the only thing worse than thinking of your friends doing it is thinking of your parents!
Then we visited the flip side, and it ain’t pretty. Pimples have sprouted on backs, nipples are sore and leaking (and the baby ain’t even here yet), migraines have started, hair is thinning and then there is the case of hammer vag - that thumping painful pressure that apparently feels like a hammer hitting the old Va Jay Jay. Hence the name, hammer vag.
Pregnancy can be kind to some and a complete bitch to others. Either way it’s only nine months of bliss or hell I guess.
However I am seriously contemplating being up the duff for the rest of my life, if it keeps my migraines at bay I’ll take the huge guts and stretch marks any day.
Tell us, are pregnancy hormones kind or cruel to your body?
You can visit Monty's website Show + Tell here.