Of course I would never have to worry about this because I am like the Virgin Mary and pure as the driven snow. It’s true, some even call me angelic. But if I was to have a ‘gentleman caller’, what is it in Man Pit that would cause me embarrassment? This is what I am thinking about today. And sadly not because there is any action on the horizon, more just about being a good boy scout.
If you had a 15min window before a new ‘special friend’ entered your home for some ‘adult cuddles’ what are the things that you would run around and hide? As I’m sure many of you would know, some of the best relationships can come out of a one-night-stand. You should always put your best foot forward on night one just in case. Here are the things I would make sure they never see if ever my morals lapsed.
Jackie Collins books
I went through a serious Jackie Collins phase in my late teens, in fact it was Jackie who taught me about sex. And drugs. And Hollywood. She has huge sentimental value for me. Subsequently I still have a few of her more infamous titles on my otherwise esteemed bookshelf. Not sure what others would make of them…
My hair bands
My gorgeous long flowing locks are obvious to anyone. But what I’d like to hide is that my guilty pleasure when I am at home alone is to wear a fetching head band. Not very butch I know but it makes me feel very glamorous on couch-nights.
R M Williams boots
Not that I’m embarrassed by them but to try and explain how a boy from the bush and a wearer of R M Williams boots comes to be ‘seducing’ a manly man is terribly unromantic. It’s just best to avoid the telling of that story
Medicine cabinet
I’m a pill-popper. There is no ailment I can’t cure with a few pills from my overstocked medicine cabinet. Any gentleman caller could momentarily think I’ve brought them home to St Vincents Hospital if they caught a glimpse of my medicine cabinet. Only drug I’m missing is Viagra which would probably be the one they are looking for.
Scarves
And when I say scarf think Jackie Onassis. Like the square, soft, feminine ‘sailing in the Mediterranean’ type scarf. It’s a recent thing. I love them, buy them, but can never find an occasion to wear them. Also, I now question if it’s ever appropriate for a man to wear such a scarf.
Ashtray
It’s full. And disgusting. Even though I’m currently describing myself as a non-smoker. Surely a non-smoker is anything less than 20 a day??? No one likes a liar or a smoker.
Collection of recycling bags
Some may call it a fetish, whereas I call it environmentally friendly. Every time I go to the supermarket I buy another 1+ of those gorgeous green bags. I now have a whole shelf full. I should really learn to recycle my environmentally friendly shopping bags. Just plain weirdo.
Yoga dvd
Now this would just be false advertising. I did yoga for exactly two weeks and still giggled every time they asked me to do a downward-dog. I have absolutely no idea where this dvd came from even. Its never left its case. If they thought they were potentially up for some yoga moves from me they’d be sadly disappointed. Lucky to touch my toes.
More dog food than human food
Not sure why any one-night-stand would be in my pantry but I’m sure if they took a look they’d be mightily concerned. I have more dog food and snacks than I do human. I make no secret that I take better care of Little Sammy than I do of myself and there is no better demonstration of this than a quick glimpse in my pantry. Let me be clear… I don’t eat dog food.
Rotted teeth
I’m a hoarder. Sad but true. I also have a box of particularly precious items. I have some extracted teeth in there. Say no more.
Puffer vest
Please god, no one tell Mrs Woog! My puffer vest is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my wardrobe, but exemplary of the issues it could cause me. I just can’t be sexy 24/7, 52 weeks a year.
Ok, now I realize if that I was to have a one-night-stand I would need far longer than 15mins to clean up Man Pit. “Just wait in the hallway will you love, be back in 30.”
Now, most importantly, what is it that you would hide??? I’m aching to know!
Steven Murphy is the Communications Manager with a television production company. His great passions are television, pop culture and all forms of social media. He openly admits he has a Twitter addiction and has recently started to blog to share more than 140 characters.
Top Comments
I found myself here directed from a reference in one of Rick's posts. This article is brilliant. I don't have rotted teeth in storage but I do have the small remains of my daughter's umbilical cord when it popped out at 2 weeks old to make way for her bellybutton. I don't know why but I can't throw it out... its the last piece of the physical bond of pregnancy we shared. I don't know what to do with it... I can't throw it in the bin!!
I also have about 20 "green" bags although admittedly half of these are now pink or purple since they decided to do a rainbow of colours. I have a medicine cabinet to rival yours, my boyfriend wears RM's every day and my dear neighbour reads Jackie Collins and is actually quite a sane and functional woman. I have enough scarves to tie them together and stretch it across Australia. I have an unopened yoga DVD which my uncle gave to me in 2007.
As for the ashtray, I was a heavy smoker until I recently discovered electronic cigarettes. I've never been back to the analogs since. I'm still surprised about this.
Love your post, more to come I hope?!
It's been many, many..many years since the one night stands but I was usually too drunk to care about hiding anything. However, in the morning I would usually wish I could hide myself!