Sealed Section: The hotel you won't see on Getaway.

Beach resorts are so last season. For this year’s summer holiday, consider La Fistinière.

If you have kids, you’ll need to leave them at home because sadly, there’s no kids club.

In fact, leave the kids very, very, very far away in the safety of their grandparents’ loving arms and tell them that Mummy and Daddy are going to Bora Bora where there are pretty huts on stilts.

Then pack your bags, book a plane to France and prepare to check yourself into La Fistinière. It’s a lovely bed and breakfast in the French countryside, just 100 miles from Paris. Bring a good novel, your favourite big floppy hat and… your fists.

You’re going to need them.

“But why will I need my fists?” you ask.

WELL. La Fistinière is a *themed* bed and breakfast.

It’s dedicated to fisting.

And yes, you read that correctly. The entire place is designed to offer a place for avid fisters to enjoy a relaxing getaway with like-minded compatriots.

According to trusty Wikipedia, ‘fisting’ is “a sexual activity that is performed by homosexual and heterosexual couples (as well as singles with bendy arms!). It involves inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum. Once insertion is complete, the fingers either naturally clench into a fist or remain straight. In more vigorous forms of fisting, such as “punching / punchfisting “, a fully clenched fist may be inserted and withdrawn slowly.”

Panadol anyone?

Rather than indulging in a croissant at the breakfast buffet, you’ll spend your mornings at La Fistinière surrounded by bright orange street cones, bowling pins, veterinary speculums and other items to help you…… ease into things.

Not only do they have five private rooms for partaking in the sexual act, there’s also a communal “fisting chapel” in the attic. Thoughtful. Romantic. Spiritual.

The appropriately exotically named owners, Juan Carlos and François, have apparently already met with the local Mayor to get formal permission to, you know, introduce fisting to rural Frenchies. They told VICE how their dream was born:

François: We enjoyed throwing orgies at home and wanted to create a place dedicated to fist f**king, where everyone would feel at home. We wanted something welcoming and clean.

Juan: We wanted a place for people to talk, where there would be no discrimination based on race, age, looks, or dick size­—somewhere people could come without feeling ashamed because they were fat or even straight.

François: I’ve seen comments online about us like, “You’ve got to be a weirdo to go to this place.” But our guests are people you know: your baker, pharmacist, daughter’s philosophy teacher, dentist, or the surgeon who operated on your grandmother.

 

You see? The  owners have your best interests at heart. They want to you to have a delightful time away. Refreshing, relaxing… and harnesses as far as the eye can see.

But make sure you behave yourself: there’s a cage where they put naughty guests.

We’ve tried to figure out a question for the end of this post to open it up for everyone – but we can’t. So we’re handing it over to all of you to come up with the question – or the answer, or just a comment. Or smelling salts. ENJOY.