Offspring is definitely coming back and these are the big problems they need to fix.

Hello, Offspring creators.

Today I learned you’re bringing back my once-favourite show, Offspring, for its seventh season.

I have a lot of confused feelings about this. Namely, they are:

• Frustration
• Surprise
• Frustration
• Frustration
• Frustration

You see, for me, Offspring is dead. It died two years ago when the camera panned to the lovably dysfunctional Proudmans getting a family photo, and then zoomed in on Nina, who epically breathed the word “ready”.

Offspring died in that moment, and as sad as I was to see it go, I knew in my bloomin’ loins that ending the season on that note – that glorious note – would’ve been the right decision.

LISTEN: Jessie Stephens and Laura Brodnik talk about whether or not Offspring should have  come back this year. (Post continues…)

When ‘Neens’ and the gang returned to our screens this year, my tentative optimism gradually turned into disappointment and, finally, denial.

Season Six of my favourite show seemed like a shadowy spin-off, wielding only remnants of the Offspring the original creator, Debra Oswald, said goodbye to in 2014.

Its charm was a little less shiny, its dialogue a little more stilted. I didn’t believe the scenarios like I used to.

Nina’s awkward, haphazard nature suddenly jarred me. Jimmy was acting like a 12-year-old again. Patrick’s ghost was a haunting reminder of the show I once loved.

That said, I’m not a quitter, and I truly believe seasons One to Five were some of the best television to ever hit Australian screens. If Season Seven can channel even an iota of that magic, I think Offspring fans will walk away content.

So please, Channel 10, here are the three things that need fixing in Season Seven…

1. Patrick’s ghost.

I love Patrick as much as I love peanut butter (a lot), but his ghostly presence needs to go. To move this story forward, his creepy, smiley spirit can’t come back ever again. He’s gone, and Nina needs to move on with her life now.

Also, what 30-something-year-old dude freezes his sperm? I mean… reaaaaaaally.

It was painful enough when you took Dr Patrick Reid the first time. Don’t make us relive it over and over again.

2. More happiness, less crying.

Can we keep catastrophic life events to a minimum, please? Let's bring back the happy, upbeat vibes the old Offspring once delivered.

That means no deaths OR funerals, less life-threatening health scares, and less extra-marital cheating.

Thank you.

3. NO MORE ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN.

We've reached our quota for secret family members now, you guys. That's quite enough.

We're all well aware that Darcy was an adulterer who liked sticking his yogurt gun in a variety of women who were not his wife.

We get it.

We don't need more 'oops, this is your real dad/brother/fifth-cousin-removed' moments.

And maybe - just maybe - we will see the Offspring of old make a triumphant return.

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