Content note: This post contains details about pregnancy loss.
Former Australian Netball Diamonds captain Natalie von Bertouch is currently expecting her second child. But for the premiership winning netball player and mum-of-one, it is her third pregnancy.
At almost 13 weeks along, Natalie and her husband, Jason, lost their identical twins in December 2016. Speaking publicly for the first time since her miscarriage, Natalie has shared the devastation of losing her two babies.
"It was an unplanned pregnancy, so first it was 'wow' we're going to have a baby and I had to try and get my head around that for a while," the 34-year-old told Mix 102.3’s Jodie & Soda on Friday morning.
"We went in for the first scan, identical twins, and I spent four weeks thinking, 'what does this mean for our family?', 'I don't want twins'. I'd get [my first daughter] up in the middle of the night and cry.
"Then to go back in after I'd finally got my head around it and could picture them playing in the backyard for a scan at 12 weeks and their little heartbeats weren't there anymore... it was devastating."
For Natalie, the grief of miscarrying her twins was compounded by the belief her initial doubts regarding her pregnancy were to blame, just as many women experience after pregnancy loss.
"As a woman, it's hard to admit I was thinking some of those things and worrying about what my life was going to be like," she explained.
"The deep regret I had in having those thoughts lasted for a long time, the guilt of thinking those types of things, you start to think, 'did I make this happen?' I know that's not how it works but those feelings were really real for me.
LISTEN: Mamamia's Monique Bowley shares her experience with miscarriage on a special bonus episode of Mamamia Out Loud (post continues after audio...)
"That was one of the hardest emotions to deal with when losing them because, you're thinking, well if I hadn't been thinking like that, would this have been different? It felt like I'd succeeded in netball and my body had never really failed me before, and this was the first time I felt like my body is failing."
Contrary to how many women approach pregnancy, having the people close to her know about the pregnancy early on was crucial in helping Natalie accept and process her grief.
"I'm really against that advice, that you should wait to tell anyone until after 12 weeks, because [telling people] meant those babies were real, otherwise they never existed," she said.
"We did have these two beautiful identical twins that were and will be apart of our family forever."
Speaking of the reason she decided to share her experience publicly, Natalie said, "I really want it to be something that people can easily speak about."
"It happens to so many people, and as soon as I say to someone that I've had [a miscarriage], they tell their story. It's about sharing that the baby was apart of your journey and family.
"No one has the perfect life, people have issues. I always think by speaking out, it might help one person think, I might need to get some help."
If you or someone you know has recently endured pregnancy loss, Mamamia urges you to contact SANDS for support.