What rules of yours make your friends raise their eyebrows?
Here is a list of things I will not let my children do.
– Run across a road unsupervised.
– Scatter their belongings around the house like they are fairies sprinkling fairy dust.
– Talk back, be rude, or disrespectful to adults.
– Yell out silly things at people from the car windows.
– Stay up past 9pm even on special occasions.
– Have sleepovers until they are older.
– Drink coca-cola or Fanta.
– Purchase Apps for their devices that are inappropriate for their age.
– Play video games that are rated above PG.
– Watch M rated movies.
Oh, there are more, so many more but to be honest a lot of them change on a daily basis.
Oh, yes I know I said no TV during the week but Mummy has a lot to do, so just this once.
These I am flexible on, either for my own benefit, or theirs, but there are other things on which I will not budge.
For most of my parenting years I have cruised along blissfully just assuming that these not-negotiables were of only any consequence to our little family, that no one else really gave a damn, as it didn’t affect them.
I was blissfully ensconced in the world of different-family-different-rules.
Until my bubble burst when I realised that, in fact, I actually WAS impacting other people, as unbenownst to me, I was silently judging them with my non-negotiable dictum.
I’m stuck on this because I can’t quite work out whether I should just quietly think to hell with it and squeeze back in that bubble or whether I need to address it.
The realisation dawned when I caught the tone in a school mum’s voice when we were discussing video games. My boys are five and seven and being five and seven year old boys are totally and completely obsessed with video games. When they are allowed it becomes one of the main things ( after any type of ball or Nerf utensil) they will play when at a mate's house.
"My son got Grand Theft Auto for his birthday" one mum casually mentioned. "Guess that means you won’t let your kids over for a few years."
I was taken aback at the tone. My first thought - well seeing as they are five and seven er yeah - was then replaced by a what-the why is she talking like THAT?
Is this what mummy judging is? Post continues after video..
I let it slide until a few days later I refused to let my children go to a friend’s house to watch the movie, Godzilla.
Cue: outrage. But Muuuum the other kids are allowed to see it. Muuuum why am I the only kid who hasn’t seen it? Muuum that’s so unfair.
It's actually not THAT BAD you know? It isn't going to harm them...
But it wasn't the outrage from my kids that surprised me, it was the other mums.
For me it was simple – its an M rated movie and my boys weren’t seeing it till they were teenagers, if the other family was showing the movie we just wouldn't go, no biggie.
But what I didn’t realise is that the mother who was showing it took it as a personal slight.
The thing I am totally comfortable with is the fact it is my decision and until now I hadn’t realised that me making those decisions might make other mothers feel uncomfortable.
I am not alone when I mentioned this dawning realisation with my close friends it seemed that it was a common thread.
One mother told me of a recent dilemma where a class of nine-year old girls headed off a movie party to see 'Pitch Perfect'.
Except for the five or six girls who weren’t allowed to attend as their parents thought it was inappropriate viewing. The mum of the birthday girl took it personally. For her she felt judged. She felt that the mothers of the girls who weren’t attending had deemed her a bad mother, and she exploded in an email where she claimed they were "nasty" and "judgemental."
But were they? Or were they just enforcing their own rules? Why did it mean they were making a comment on the other mother's choices?
For me it comes back to this new age of mothering we live in where we are all constantly measuring ourselves up against other mothers and constantly feeling like we need to meet their approval.
In an ideal world we would all just be comfortable with the decision we make, and not feel someone else actions mean that ours are wrong.
My kids, my rules is something I am going to stick by..( well until I change my mind.)
What do you think? Do other mother's rules make you feel judged?
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