Dear Mila Kunis, pregnancy isn't just about you.

Dear Mila Kunis,

First, let me say I respect you as an actor, a woman, and a soon-to-be-mother. I remember watching your character on That 70’s Show and thinking, “Wow, that is one annoying person.” But, as a viewer, the single greatest feat an actor can accomplish is to make a loathsome character endearing and believable.

You did both, so I congratulate you. I should also say, I’m not an expert of any kind. I am an average man with an average job in a small town in North Carolina. I am a father and husband, however, and that is the reason I felt compelled to write you.

Recently, you appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live and recorded a rant as a response to Mr. Kimmel relating the news that he and his wife are pregnant. I get that it was a comedy bit and, to be honest, it was funny. Nevertheless, I must admit, it was also a rather troubling and hurtful tirade.

It also illustrates part of a problem in the way our society views women, pregnancy, and fatherhood. Excluding fathers from the experience of pregnancy is not only unfair to “all the soon-to-be fathers out there,” it is unfair to all the soon-to-be mothers out there.

I know, I know, I’m probably over-thinking what ostensibly was just a cute comedy bit meant to blow off a little steam and fill some air time. Nevertheless, let’s face it, you are an influential person and even when you might be kidding, your words will resonate with people everywhere and may, in fact, make things much worse for women when they shush their partners in the same way you shushed Mr. Kimmel.

I could cite all kinds of studies and anecdotal stories about the changes that men go through, and the phenomenon of sympathy pregnancy symptoms, but I don’t think it’s necessary to get all sciency about this. What I want to do is encourage you, and all women, to allow men to feel and take part in the experience of pregnancy. Just because a coach stands on the sidelines of a football game doesn’t mean he isn’t a part of the team. He may not bear the physical scars of the hard hits and repeated tackles, but a coach’s support and guidance are what makes the difference between good teams and great teams.

In the experience of pregnancy, a woman bears the physical burden of growing a life. No, men do not have to “squeeze a watermelon-sized human out of our lady hole.” Nor do our hormones rage like a pubescent teenager taking steroids and hormone supplements. A man’s role in pregnancy is to support and assist you, to accept and love you. Even when you are saying the most horrible things imaginable, even when you are crying on our shoulder one minute and screaming in our face the next, even when you wake us up while you “throw up because you are nurturing a human life” and ask us to massage your back then tell us we’re doing it wrong and you run back to bed crying and telling us not to touch you anymore, we are there to support you.

Pregnancy is full of sacrifice and contradiction, you illustrate that perfectly when in one sentence you are bordering on martyrdom as you speak about “growing a human life” and in the next calling your growing life a “love goblin growing inside of [you].” Love, marriage, and successful long-term relationships depend on accepting and understanding that you’re not going to feel the same way about a person for the rest of your life.

You’re going to feel a wide range of ways about each other, some of them more loving than others. The same goes for having children. One minute they are making your heart soar with pride at their development and growth, the next you can feel the bile rising as your anger threatens to erupt out of your stomach in an angry explosion because they just broke your favorite (insert valuable item here), or because those beautiful little kicking legs just kicked you square in the nose and woke you out of a dead sleep.

Now, part of the problem with the way you (and many other women) are experiencing pregnancy may be due to your partner. I mean, if all the man did was “roll over and go to sleep” after he inseminated you, then it’s possible that he is not fulfilling his role as coach and teammate.

Perhaps he doesn’t attend all of the doctor’s appointments. Perhaps he hasn’t tried to understand what you’re going through – not that he actually could because, as you pointed out, he’s not going to squeeze anything out of anything during labor.

Still, perhaps he hasn’t picked up a single book or watched a single video to try to understand what you’ll go through or the vital role that he can play in the birthing process as your labor coach and partner. On the other hand, perhaps he feels shut out of the experience because people are repeatedly telling him that he is not the one who is pregnant, that you are. Perhaps he only sees himself as the sperm donor and ice cream runner in what will arguably the most important few months in either of your lives.

Exclusion in any form is hurtful. Excluding men from pregnancy and birthing hurts both mothers and fathers. It perpetuates a myth that men have no role in pregnancy other than to provide the sperm, take the blame, and come in at the end to pass out pink or blue cigars. To refuse men the opportunity to claim pregnancy, or just share in the experience, you alienate them from what could be the most bonding and loving experience of your lives. While taking sole ownership of such a powerful event may seem empowering and justified, you m
ay just be isolating yourself, which is the opposite of empowerment. You don’t want to be alone during this, and neither does he.

In any case, I implore you to allow your soon-to-be-father and husband to use the plural pronoun when he talks about the life you created together. His may not be the same experience, and yours is most certainly the more physically and emotionally demanding role in that process.

Still, maybe, just maybe, if more women start to  actively allow, or invite, men to share in the experience of pregnancy, more of them might take a more active and positive role in it, and maybe, too, in the lives of their children. I know it’s a crazy thought, and men may not want to know and do more. But unless you let them in and give them the benefit of the doubt, then we’ll never know.

If you have read this, Ms. Kunis, I appreciate your time. I wish you all the best on a successful and happy pregnancy, birth, marriage, and motherhood. Please send my warm wishes to Mr. Kutcher, as well. I know we don’t know each other, but one thing my experience with pregnancy gave me is a sense of connection to the great path of humanity and a profound love for all those brave enough to keep it going. May your experience provide you with love, hope, and compassion.  Also, if you are not Ms. Kunis and you read this, I doubly thank you for your time. It takes two people to make a baby, but it takes a lot more to change the way a society supports those people.

Sincerely, Paul from North Carolina

This post first appeared on the Good Men Project but has been republished here with full permission.

 Are you on Mila’s side and think saying ‘we’re’ pregnant’ is misguided? Or do you agree with Paul that it’s couples should be able to say “we’re pregnant”?