Open Post: Mia Freedman is now a "napkin ring person".

Today, Mia Freedman has a confession.

Hello, and welcome to Open Post. If you are new around here, this is how it works. We tell you something that’s going on in your world, and then you fill us in about what’s happening in yours.

This week, it all came to a head in one of those posh homewares stores.

Those ones I rarely go into because I’m scared I will break something or buy everything.

But desperate times call for desperate actions.

And we were having a dinner party for 10 people last Saturday night and it was 4pm and we didn’t have enough utensils or placemats.

We also didn’t have napkins because we are chuck-a-roll-of-paper-towels-on-the-table kind of people. That’s who we are. That’s how we roll.

I am also a person who has been known to wipe her hands discretely in her hair if nothing else is available.

My kids won’t need therapy at all.

It’s probably no coincidence that my eldest child is a Virgo and has always abhorred mess. “Away! Away!” he used to shriek while sitting in his highchair and gesturing despairingly at the detritus of his meal smeared on the tray table in front of him.

Then I would just lean forward and mop it up with my ponytail.

So there we are, my husband and I, in the fancy pants homewares store debating what we needed to buy for our dinner party. Besides, you know, food.

Read more: MIA: 9 things feminism doesn’t do.

And that’s where it happened. The Mexican standoff between my husband and I over…..napkin rings.

He wanted to buy some. I was resistant. Highly resistant. I’m told by my husband and my closest workmate, Jamila (who is my right and left hand at work and also possibly my leg and my close friend) that I am always highly resistant to other people’s suggestions.

This is a terrible quality and I am trying to change it. JUST NOT IN THE NAPKIN RING PART OF THE STORE. NOT NOW. NOT THIS DAY.

“No,” I insisted, shaking my head. “Not napkin rings. It’s a bridge too far. We are NOT Napkin Ring People.”

I’m not entirely sure what Napkin Ring People are but I’m almost certain that I’m not one of them.

My husband disagreed. He thought we were ready to go there. So I wandered off to another part of the store and cheered myself up by discovering a new portable smoothie cup.

Try this: Open Post: ‘Last week, I ran away from home.’ – Mia

By the time I returned to the counter, we were buying not just proper napkins but napkin rings. We had been in the store for 40 minutes by now and I would have agreed to anything just to get out of there.

Yes, my husband broke my spirit and I conceded to us crossing that invisible yet significant line between the life I knew and…..Napkin People.

Onwards.

So we bought a bunch of other stuff too – placemats, bathmats (not entirely relevant for our dinner party but they were on sale), DRINKS COASTERS (don’t even get me started on that, I didn’t realise we’d bought those until we got home and by then it was too late).

You want to know what I was going to serve our guests right? Because I am not know for my cooking. What I’m known for is my innate ability to fuck up any meal I’ve ever made.

And so I out-sourced. I took platters to my local Italian restaurant and ordered pastas and salads.

All I had to do was heat up some pizzas from the freezer to feed the kids before everyone arrived.

Here’s how that went:

The kitchen was full of smoke. The doorbell rang. First guests. I was in my undies with a towel on my head, two small starving children begging for dinner and nothing to feed them.

But I had napkin rings.

And here they are:

Notice the double placemat thing I did? I think the napkin rings are taking me to the Next Level. I feel like I want to be a better person, a more mature and stylish person, for my napkin rings.

The food was great in the end. It wasn’t just the dishes I’d ordered but everyone brought something. I didn’t mean for this to happen but when I was texting everyone to come and they said “what should I bring?” and then I said “Nothing, I’ve got this” and then they started saying they would bring their specialty zucchini salad or their specialty lemon meringue pie and you know what? These cooking people are very pushy with their delicious dishes and I was ultimately powerless to resist them because everything sounded so tasty.

So everyone brought a plate of something and I felt pleased that we could repay their kindness with napkin rings.

This is an excerpt from Mia’s weekly newsletter which you can subscribe to here.

How’s your week been so far?