"Today I heard a horrible Married At First Sight spoiler and I blame the experts."

Warning: If you do not wish to read a Married At First Sight related spoiler, this should probably be the last sentence you read from this post.

Let me begin by saying that true love and a lifetime of happiness for contestants is not what I expect from shows like Married At First Sight and The Bachelor. I watch for the overblown drama, the sassy interactions, and the awkward music – it all amasses to a reality television masterpiece and it’s entertaining as heck.

But today, I stumbled upon a spoiler.

According to the Daily Mail’s source, absolutely none of the Married At First Sight couples are together anymore, although John and Melissa have refused to confirm a breakup despite the rumours. I have my fingers and toes crossed for John’s happy ending, but the overwhelming cynicism flowing through my veins signals to me otherwise.

That totals to zero successful matches. Not one couple has survived on a show that’s premise is grounded in “psychology” and the profound matching by “experts”. AGAIN.

Actually, out of five entire seasons of the show, only a measly two couples have chosen to make a life for themselves together.

The show calls itself an experiment, but if it were a real experiment it would’ve been cut seasons ago, because… WHERE ARE THE RESULTS, PEOPLE?

So tell me, experts: What’s the method you’re using to match these strangers together, exactly? A lucky dip?

Is Married At First Sight problematic? Post continues after audio.

Remember when Deborah from season four asked specifically for a Polynesian man and the experts gave her… John? Granted, John was a beautiful gem that deserved to be cherished, but it seemed the qualities that made them unique drove each other up the wall. Good call, experts!

This season once again saw polar opposites matched with one another. Gabrielle wanted intimacy, Nasser coincidentally had penetrating intimacy issues (and an irrational fear of ghosts).

Jo wanted someone who could match her effervescence, Sean was unequivocally unexciting. Davina wanted someone who resembled Dean, and Ryan wanted someone who… wouldn’t cheat on him. You get the picture.

It almost made sense that some of the contestants went looking elsewhere/prying apart other couples to find love. Of course, I’m in no way justifying all the twisted inter-couple mingling, but it seemed the so-called ethical experts were revelling in the controversy, egging on a scandalous outcome. There’s nothing better than putting a psychology degree to good use!

Look, I get that it’s a television show and ratings need to be considered, but please also consider not only the viewers and their (very) personal investments in the couples’ lives, but the contestants themselves.

“I have one question, and it’s for you, John,” Jo said to John Aitken earlier in the season.

“We spent a lot of time talking, we had a long chat, and I want to know why you thought we would be a good match? You knew what I wanted, and I got this,” she told him.

The answer, Jo, is that he didn’t think you’d be a good match, which is why he paired you two together, as any psychologist would do.

So, here’s to the experts, for bringing together exactly zero couples out of an overwhelming 11 this season.

Job well done.