Do you think that by taking a break from your ailing relationship, you can save it?
Recently, actress Emma Thompson revealed that she believes every married couple could benefit from a relationship break — so that when they come back together, they can love each other in a better way.
Speaking about her new movie, in which a couple takes a break from their relationship, Thomspon said the same could work for some couples:
“I wonder whether this isn’t the way forward for a lot of married couples? You look at it and think that maybe every marriage should have a kind of a sabbatical, that couples should be forced to take a break from each other every so often, if just for a year or so. It’s actually not a bad idea.
“You need to go off perhaps, although not to be with other people. I think that would make things very difficult: All that free love stuff has been tried and tested and doesn’t work and has been proven to make relationships very, very tricky. But I’m sure a sabbatical could work if it were done properly.”
Mink Elliott, a UK-based author, recently tested this theory, although not entirely willingly. Her husband Jon sprung his wish to separate on her one seemingly normal night, taking her completely by surprise.
“Jon’s bombshell was delivered on an otherwise ordinary Sunday evening in August 2012, as we settled down in front of the TV. ‘You know, we should make a plan for the next five years, decide what we want to be doing,’ I said, absent-mindedly. Jon exhaled, slowly, before replying: ‘Well, I think we should separate.’”
After many discussions, the couple worked out mutual living and custody arrangements and eventually went their separate ways.
At first, Mink found it hard to adjust. But after some time, she admitted that the separation of their lives actually strengthened them as a couple.
“The most annoying thing he said of all? ‘Maybe this could be the best thing to ever happen to us — it might make us stronger.’ Although my pride was too wounded to admit it for a long time, he was right.”
Yet here’s the thing — this is such a typical modern family scenario.
Life gets busy.
Once it was all about mini-breaks and shagging.
Now it’s about home insurance and cleaning catshit off the carpet. Is it any wonder the excitement nicks off?
In Mink’s situation, it was a standard case of relationship groundhog day:
“By the time Maxi was born, Jon and I had been together for almost 10 years — but we were steadily falling apart. We rarely had sex, and in many ways I felt like a single mother. We bickered about everything — from whose turn it was for a lie-in, to how many nights out is too many when you’re a new dad. We even argued about how often we argued. But more than anything, money. With none to my own name and no joint bank account, I had to send him the online supermarket order every week, so he could pay for it.”
Although it may not work for everyone, Mink Elliott says a trial separation saved her troubled marriage. After some soul-searching, they agreed on counselling.
“We started counselling and I told the counsellor how I had fallen for the way Jon used to make me laugh and feel loved, but now felt he’d become a childish, selfish, inconsiderate chauvinist. Jon, reluctant to bare his soul at first, declared that I had become a moaning control freak who could sap the joy out of any situation and no longer had any interest in sex. The counsellor said that we were a textbook couple. She said that most people — particularly women — change fundamentally once they have children and relationships are placed under never-before seen stresses and strains. Financial problems often lead to distance but it’s the lack of understanding of the other’s position that sends couples careering towards the divorce courts.”
Does this mean, however, that if you’re feeling this way in your own relationship, the only way to reignite the spark or to learn to appreciate and understand each other is to temporarily leave one another?
For Mink Elliott, the trial separation resulted in the regrouping of her relationship and the reunion of her family.
“Now, nearly two years on, we’re living under the same roof again — but as a fundamentally changed family. It’s still not perfect — what family is? — but it feels happier, stronger, more loving, somehow. I talk less and he listens more.”
So how do you keep the spark alive?
Can you?
All I know is that there has to be a lot of give and take. That and the ability to fall in love over and over and over again.
And hey, I’m no expert, but from my experience and over 14 years of marriage, I can’t help but notice that all feelings are cyclical.
Couples go through phases. Ones when they can’t bear to be apart and others when, meh… they could literally take or leave one another.
I guess when the bad outweighs the good, then it’s time to reassess.
Have you ever taken a break from your relationship? Has it helped or hindered?
Top Comments
We had been married for 30 years, our kids had moved out and were well on their way, we had an "alright marriage" full of all the usual trials and tribulations resulting from the stress of jobs, years of being in each others company, elderly parents, helping kids on their way and so on. However we could both see that there was room for more spark. We had seen the discussions around "marriage sabbaticals" and "enhancement separations" but felt that none of the current thinking or dialogue seemed to match or offer any solution or clarity to what we were feeling.
I had always joked about "wanting an affair" with my wife - I suppose code for something is missing from the way we both related. Following a few wines one Sunday evening I suggested, and my wife concurred (albeit initially slightly bewildered by the proposal) to live separate lives for 6 months and to date again. We both reassured each other that it was not a marriage separation however as it got closer to the time it became evident that there were unresolved issues that were going to impede her ability to launch into a "love affair".
We agreed that few people would know about what we were doing. The kids lived a long way away and never just dropped in.and our own geographical position meant that it would be very discrete. My wife with zeal arranged a lovely apartment with magnificent views and all the things she had often talked about - close to cafes, shops, walks by the river etc. While I started to get excited about the prospect of dating, she began to ruminate on things that had been less than perfect. Consequently by the time she moved out we had arranged a counsellor and the course began more like a "therapeutic break" than what I had hoped was to be a romantic interlude. As the 6 months progressed it became evident that (like many couples) we had for a long time carried our own misconceptions of how each other was thinking and feeling and failed to recognise, acknowledge and articulate what "silently bugged each of us". Left unchecked it was potentially the death of our marriage and the silent destruction of each other.
During the 6 months she came home and left again 3 times. Over the period the disappointment and hurt became replaced by a deeper and more passionate feeling towards each other. When she finally came home after the 6 months was over our relationship had improved out of sight. We then spent 2 months away of a holiday and came home wondering where things had gone wrong and how we had both let things get so way of course.
2 years have passed since the initial break and with frequent reminisces about the good times during the break, we are now planning to do it again. Hopefully this time we can start the "affair" from day one. The rules are - we see no others romantically but we date like we are single. There are no rules or regular catch ups, We start with a period of 3 weeks of no contact at all. No one gets hurt if there are days without contact, We date like we have just met, sex is by invitation - not expectation.
For all the skeptics out there - I don't believe we are deluding ourselves about the health or strength of our relationship. In fact we can say, with out hesitation, having an affair with your partner is the single best thing you can do for a relationship. We were fortunate enough financially and not to be bound by kids at home to allow that extra bit of realism to the experience - ie., get your own place and have space. We both acknowledge that the best thing about having a break and dating is that it allows you to rekindle the romance and spontaniety that is often quietly killed by familiarity and humdrum. This is far more powerful than any illicit affair. My only advice is be prepared to uncover some gremlins in the cupboard but get ready for the most exciting thing you can do for your marriage.
As a single I personally would love to be married but I've never wanted kids, for the reasons in this article, it just seems to me that it's hard to maintain a good relationship with a spouse once you have kids because time and again I read how once people have kids they are constantly toted and busy and and as result they have no time or interest in sex or doing things together etc. I realise of course that not everyone who has kids is like this, but it seems that once people have kids it's a huge effort to still connect as a couple.
I just don't understand why people would risk a good marriage by having children, I realise they grow up eventually but that could take 20 years before they are off your hands it just seems like a long time before you can have quality couple time again.
I wonder sometimes if people still have kids because until recent history there wasn't much choice so they unquestioningly continue on despite now there being choice.
Of course I realise if no one had children the planet wouldn't go on (though personally I think not such a bad thing with the mess the world is in) and kids can be cute, but I just feel like only a superwoman can succeed in being both a great wife and great mother, I feel like if you are good at one role then it's often to the detriment of the other.
"I just don't understand why people would risk a good marriage by having children, I realise they grow up eventually but that could take 20 years before they are off your hands it just seems like a long time before you can have quality couple time again."
Yeah because life is all about quality couple time. I respect anyone's choice not to have children. Sure, not everyone feels the instinct to procreate but your reasons seem to me to be nothing less than complete selfishness. Guess what guest? There are millions of couples out there who have kids and who still connect and hey, some even manage to grow old together and have incredibly rich lives due to having a great relationship AND kids. They are even known to go on and happily create that little ol thing called FAMILY. How boring would the world be if all we had were loved up couples everywhere who didn't have kids because they would miss out on quality time together.
You don't need to be superwoman to have a good marriage and kids. You do need to be a good communicator and be part of a dedicated team.
Why do you consider it selfish to not have children, I personally think it's selfish to have kids because it's a terrible world and I think it is selfish of people to have children and inflict this world on them. I personally wish I wasn't born, yet because people selfishly still choose to have children here I am stuck with participating in a horrible world that I do not wish to be part of.
Why do you consider someone who prefers to not have children selfish? Most people once they have children have less time to fully participate in society than people without kids, for instance childless couples would have more time to help in charity work than people with kids. So I can't see how having children makes someone less selfish when in fact it gives them less time to help friends, other family members, their spouse, society etc.
I wonder what sort of marriages you've had around you growing up to come to that conclusion?!
My grandparents were together (very happily) for 55 years until my grandad passed away. Their 4 kids, including my mum, are all very happily married (for 30+ years) with 2 children each - and all the women including my mum are fantastic wives and mothers and they all work and participate in society in various other ways through sport or volunteer work as well. It's far from impossible to do.
I understand my extended family is maybe not the most common around to all be happily married with children and jobs they enjoy, but by watching them, I learned what Miss Marple has said in her last line - you don't need to be superwoman, you DO need to be a good communicator and part of a dedicated team.