'A recap of every inappropriate thought I had while watching the new Magic Mike movie.'

On the way to the premiere of Magic Mike's Last Dance I became aware that half of my colleagues joining me on this movie journey had in fact not seen the first two entries in this particular cinematic universe.

With only two minutes left until we arrived at our destination, I quickly began recapping the first two movies, although both facts and faces were blurry, and for the life of me I could not remember Channing Tatum's character's name.

Which I have to say was really hindering the retelling process.

"His name is 'Mike'," one of my colleagues suddenly called out from the back of the Uber, an IMDB page lighting up her phone. "If you've watched the movies that should be obvious."

Except it wasn't, because the MM cinematic universe has always been a house of cards built on the beautiful foundation of Channing Tatum just kind of being himself. 

All while coating his safe sexiness in the kind of light feminism best reserved for companies wanting to make a quick buck around International Women's Day. Or a decorative cushion.

Hold onto this particular thought as we delve into the world of Magic Mike's Last Dance.

Watch the trailer for Magic Mike's Last Dance here. Post continues after video.

The movie opens with a serious voiceover about the history of dance through time, but then features a close-up shot of a dejected Channing Tatum (allegedly called 'Mike') to let us know the movie is in on the joke.

Except the joke reads like the start of an exceptionally depressing rom-com because we soon learn that dear 'Mike' has had his heart broken by his love interests from the first two movies. 

He's also lost his business and is now working as a bartender in some pretty scenic locations, with only his chiseled physique to fall back... (thankfully the movie does not dwell on any real hardships for too long).

At this point in time Magic Mike's Last Dance is starting to feel a bit too much like a Best Picture nominee from the early 2000s (centred on the unique pain of a middle-aged white man at a crossroads in his life) so thank goodness Salma Hayek appears as the luxe Maxandra to save the day.

Max is a stunning, immensely wealthy woman whose equally rich friends will gather at her lush house party and throw money at a charity they're not sure exists in exchange for some drinks dolled out by a resigned-looking Mike.

Yet she still feels dejected and as if she's lost her true self, which explains why she and Mike so easily bond over their hot people problems after knowing each other for mere seconds.

As a side note, remember when Thandiwe Newton was originally playing this role but left just 11 days into filming under secret yet scandalous circumstances? I'd take a movie about what really happened there, told through sexy dance, but Salma is great and Channing Tatum is now respectfully grinding on her.

I guess the universe really does have a plan for everyone.

Max pays Mike to do what he does best and give her a dance that will ensure she "feel something again" and God bless that man because no one commits to their character and audience the way Channing Matthew Tatum does in this scene.

Forget Leonardo DiCaprio sleeping in animal carcasses, Jamie Foxx gluing his own eyelids shut or Nicolas Cage getting his actual teeth pulled out with no anesthetic because nothing will ever match the commitment of Channing Tatum in this moment, earnestly straddling every available furniture surface. 

All while hoisting Salma Hayek over his shoulders until she practically attaches to the ceiling, much like the floating tea party scene in Mary Poppins.

Channing Tatum and Salma Hayek in Magic Mike's Last Dance. Image: Universal Studios.

Honestly, if the Oscars really cared about their declining ratings they'd nominate Channing for this role and then have him recreate this sweet sultry dance on stage while Meryl Streep politely watches on.

Cowards.

Anyway, Max then insists that Mike join her on her private plane to London where she has a special job that will keep him occupied for the next month.

But before you get too excited, please know this is not a Pretty Woman remake (although problematic, that does sound amazing, get Channing on that next). 

Instead, we launch into a section of the film drowning in what has always been the Magic Mike franchise's greatest downfall.

Plot.

And not just any plot, but one so earnest and low-stakes that it feels lifted from a Disney Channel special. One where the company has fallen on hard times and so they introduce a few family-friendly strippers into the mix, just to get those extra eyeballs in.

It's not exactly a storyline stretch, because Magic Mike's Last Dance, although spawned from a franchise that prides itself on sexiness, is not exactly here to fulfill your most erotic dreams.

At one point in the movie one of my colleagues covered her face with her hands and hissed that we'd taken her to watch porn, but alas no real male nudity ever showed up (honestly, Magic Mike hides more nipples than Instagram).

What the movie did best, I came to realise, was take the greatest moments from the Magic Mike stage show (a true theatrical marvel, if you haven't seen it) and inject them into the film's plot.

Many of the dances from the stage show are recreated in the movie, although I was disappointed to see they didn't actually spring for a live unicorn after endlessly referencing it as a pivotal part of the final performance. 

Just another example of how all those damn superhero movies are sucking Hollywood dry, I guess.

Channing Tatum, with his glorious muscles bulging through his shirt as he walks soulfully through the rain (again we're back in a bad rom-com) wants you to know that consent is sexy and he's here to empower you through the magic of dance...is basically this film in a nutshell. 

But honestly, the movie barely needs this sprinkling of mandated feminism to make it worth seeing, because if you're only here for some wholesome grinding, you'll definitely get what you paid for. 

Laura Brodnik is Mamamia's Head of Entertainment and host of The Spill podcast. You can follow her on Instagram here.

Feature Image: Universal Pictures.

Magic Mike's Last Dance is in cinemas now. 

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