Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Don't pretend your cheating scandal is not a cheating scandal.

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Before things descend into chaos, we must enjoy around 90 seconds of good, wholesome fun.

Because Ridge met Jade's daughter V and it was deeeeeece. 

Anyway!

Lucinda Light and Timothy have left Byron Bay, but Byron Bay has not left them. They're better than ever and Lucinda thinks he is a "true Gemini", whatever that means.

Timothy is also concerned about his fake TV son, Tristan, who is feeling emotionally fried after Jack's body-shaming comment.

Lauren is also seething. Her dinner party goal is to make Jack apologise in front of the whole group.

Jonathan's dinner party goal is to avoid seeing Jack's nipple. 

Lauren wants to uncover the manufacturer of Jack's nipple-revealing clothing so she can send them a cease and desist. I'll co-sign! Let's turn it into a class-action!

Jack and his nipples are pretending they're having a hard (haha!) time getting past their whale comment. 

The nipples would very much like to be excluded from this narrative

They then repeat a bunch of bullsh*t like 'everyone's just jealous of us', 'everyone makes mistakes', 'it was a joke' and ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh WHEN WILL THIS MISERY END.

Sara and Tim are the best they've ever been, by the way! It's unfortunate because we're about to watch it all crumble!

Sara wonders if it will be "a very tame dinner party", which everyone on this show should know is just tempting fate.

Why would you put that into the universe? The universe, a.k.a the producers, want anything but tame.

And unbeknownst to the temporarily happy couple, Eden has very damning goss.

I appreciate the narrator's slow cadence and the spooky music to signal this, but the intense breathing sounds are too far. Solidarity to anyone else who is watching this through headphones. We just went through something truly disturbing.

Eden and Jayden are nervous about revealing Sara's betrayal — that she met up with her ex — to Tim, but they promise to have each other's backs while they drop this bomb.

Team F*** Sh*t Up reporting for duty

On the way to the dinner party, Lucinda Light says she is excited to hang out with all their friends. Timothy says "yeeeah" even though he hates at least 50 per cent of the group.

Sara and Tim are the first to arrive, so the experts can enjoy a fun lil look into how great they are before everything goes south.

The experts also express genuine surprise that Lucinda Light and Timothy are "vibing". 

THIS IS WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. THIS IS THE DESIRED RESULT OF YOUR JOBS. AT LEAST PRETEND THAT IT GOING WELL ISN'T A SHOCKING COINCIDENCE.

Papa Timothy immediately checks in with Tristan once he and Cass arrive, which only makes me love him more. Even if he did just tell the most confusing story about ice cream I've ever heard.

The whale comment comes up, and Alessandra asks why Jack would say something so horrible.

Preach it J.A!

OH MY GOD.

TIMOTHY STARTS CRYING BECAUSE HE FEELS SO EMPATHETIC TOWARDS TRISTAN.

THE MAN TAPPED INTO HIS EMOTIONS ONCE AND HASN'T LOOKED BACK.

I AM SO PROUD OF THIS FORMALLY GRUMPY TV STRANGER.

Beaming with pride

I'm also very happy that Tristan has lots of caring people around him who are planning to defend him tonight.

"Tonight I want to have a front-row seat to the apology tour. I want a little gold class ticket, maybe some popcorn," Lauren says. She is, as always, a whole mood.

Tori and Jack, his nipples, and his newly acquired sweat patches arrive and automatically ruin the vibe.

Everything remains pretty tame until Andrea arrives alone.

Don't worry, Richard is just sick. He's got the flu/just didn't want to deal with Jack's sh*t yet again. Fair enough. Rest up buddy!

On the bright side, Andrea really enjoyed trolling everyone. 

Chaotic neutral

Last to arrive are Eden and Jayden. Because drama.

"Needless to say it's going to be a very interesting dinner tonight," Mel says, as if this show has any choice but to make things interesting. Because entertainment. And ratings.

Also for entertainment and ratings, producers have seated Eden and Jayden directly across from Sara and Tim at dinner.

Suddenly, Jack approaches Tristan and Timothy for a chat.

But just as Tristan is about to explain how Jack made him feel, Jack interrupts to tell him to "say less" and let him speak instead.

THE AUDACITY OF THIS MAN IS ASTOUNDING.

His 'apology' begins by calling HIS AWFUL BODY SHAMING a "stupid comment" and a "joke". He also says Timothy brought it up, which led to Tristan being 'triggered'.

Nothing in this world is Jack's fault, but especially not the horrific words that come out of his own mouth.

He says Tristan needs to let him speak because "this is for me" WHICH IS 100 PER CENT NOT HOW APOLOGIES WORK.

And we wish you many more

Jack explains how his personal training job makes him "wholesome" which is SO f***ing funny.

It doesn't, dude! It truly doesn't!

He's got Tristan a present. 

A SUPPLEMENT STORE GIFT CARD.

Horrifying

But that's not all.

He's also engraved a key ring that says "you are enough". It's a dumb enough apology present on its own, but this was filmed only a few months after the Barbie movie was released, in peak Kenough territory.

So, you know this was not in any way a genuine idea. He saw Ryan Gosling and thought 'yeah, that'll do'.

Tristan, bless his soul, is very responsive to the gifts.

But absolutely no one else is.

"THIS F***ING GUY"

Jack tells the group he's learned a very important thing from this saga: to be a better person to be careful saying offensive sh*t around Timothy.

This all makes Lauren hate Jack and his nipples even more than she already did. Which was A LOT. Like, A LOT A LOT.

She begs Tori to open her eyes and Tori takes this as an insult on her intelligence.

Manipulation is a real b*tch, hey.

Suddenly, everyone is cheersing and talking about how fabulous Sara and Tim seem.

How very convenient.

Here we goooooooo

Eden and Jayden pull them aside and claim Jayden saw an incriminating message on her phone from Sara.

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE.

Either they're making up this origin story, or producers made them act out a scene in which Eden told Jayden about texts he'd already seen during yesterday's retreat episode. 

BECAUSE SOMETHING DOESN'T ADD UP.

Personally, I feel like this little editing fail is an insult to our intelligence. But then again... this is episode 24 of season 11 of Married At First Sight. Do we really have a leg to stand on?

Eden tells Sara she isn't willing to sacrifice her relationship with Jayden to protect her and offers an ultimatum: tell Tim where she was last weekend, or she will.

WUT

Sara says she "ran into" her ex, which actually means she met up with her ex. 

She insists it was not a date and that they're still just friends, while Tim is... not listening.

We get flashbacks to Sara not wanting to take part in the phone-sharing task and cancelling on her and Tim's dates, which makes little sense given the alleged timeline, but really adds to the drama. 

Sara says this secret has been eating away at her, which all three of them call bullsh*t on.

Eden and Jayden then leave them to talk/stare off into the distance.

Sara doesn't know what to say. I wonder if she has considered a supplement voucher?

"Are you more of an engraved keyring or bottle opener kind of guy?"

Sara returns to the table, apprehensive that the group will "make it a big deal when it really isn't", even though... it... is.

And they do. Because they should. For ethical reasons but even more importantly, reality TV entertainment reasons.

Sara somehow thinks this can be made better by revealing that she wanted to look hot for this ex, who has been dating someone else FOR SIX YEARS.

No, not six months! Six years!

Sara continues to dig herself a very deep grave: it's Tim's insecurity that made her keep this secret. But also, it wasn't a secret. 

She is audacious enough that even the King of Audacity seems surprised.

Making Jack look this shook is truly damning

 OOOOOOH.

IT GETS EVEN WORSE.

Sara took an entire weekend off from her fake TV marriage to puppy sit, but told Eden that was just a cover and she wasn't puppy sitting at all.

I like how once an episode we just get a one-line piece-to-camera moment from a disappointed Jonathan.

"I hoped they might be more normal"

You know it's bad when even Cass and Andrea are calling you a d*ckhead.

Tim returns to the table and recounts all the signs that things weren't as they seemed.

He even says Sara had told him she slept with her ex a month before the experiment.

THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR MORE THAN HALF A DECADE??

THAT ONE??

Oh goodness. Not only are we breaking up fake TV marriages here, but also random people's six-year relationships. There is truly no coming back from this.

Sara tries to explain herself (again) but no one buys it, and Tim proves himself VERY ASSERTIVE when calling out when he feels like she's lying or trying to manipulate the situation.

If it was any other situation, she'd find him really hot for this.

Lol

No seriously LOL

OH HEY, STEPHEN HAS A QUESTION.

I'd forgotten about Mr flirty hairdresser for a moment, but I'm glad he stuck around because he goes for the jugular: "did you have sex with your ex a month before the experiment started?"

"I- um- yes," she replies.

Apparently it's fine because his six-year relationship, which SHE told the table about just before as part of her defence strategy, already ended. Except she then has to admit... it hadn't ended. I hope it has now.

The table vote, like the world's most f***ed up democracy, that cheating can be more than just physicality, and they believe this counts.

Sara REALLY doesn't like that. She's NEVER cheated on a partner, she yells. She's only been with other people's partners when they've cheated on them!

Also, other people have cheated so cheating is fine!

Tim feels defeated and doesn't know how he will ever trust her again. 

I... don't think he needs to know.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:

• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Lucinda is the MAFS hero we need.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: One groom discovers that marrying a stranger is... a lot.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: We will not be listening to this man's podcast.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The season's most chaotic bride.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: 'He's completely full of sh*t.'
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jayden did WHAT with WHOM in front of WHOMST?
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: You can't just compare your new wife to your dog.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The award for worst performance in a reality TV show goes to...
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: THE GENITAL CUPPING IS HELPING NO ONE.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Fake epiphanies, golden showers and cancelled dates.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: There is simply too much yelling about yelling.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: No two people have ever wanted to hug less.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A bride brings ghosts to her wedding.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: There's one thing you don't bring on a honeymoon.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: IT DID NOT JUST END LIKE THAT.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: John Aiken is very, very mad.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: All it took was a boob joke.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Ben doesn't just dislike Ellie. Ben dislikes women.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: One man's face causes a lot of drama.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jack expertly plants the seeds of doubt.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: WE ARE ALL SO PROUD OF TIMOTHY.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Nine.