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We open on Selina asking Cody a question.
And yeah. It's whether or not he considers himself 'single'. And if he might sleep with other people when he goes home. Which is an awkward conversation to have with your husband of seven weeks.
She tells the camera that she's trying to work out if they're on the same page and Selina the man who pulled a swamp suit prank on you not even a week ago is not on the same page as anyone, do you hear?
Meanwhile, Domenica inexplicably appears to have a bandage around her head which is what seven weeks of Married at First Sight will do to a person.
Next door, Liv can't stop crying ever since she told her husband (as well as the nation) that she has no empathy.
She explains that she wants Jackson by her side for the rest of her life because he supports her even when she is deliberately mean to others which is the kind of man she hoped to find.
She has now turned against the experts who have suggested that holding a grudge might be a character flaw.
"Cool. I know that. I like that about me," she says to Jackson who stopped listening three hours ago.
But there are more critical issues at hand.
Namely, that Married at First Sight Season 9 has a Monday night episode to fill, and very little content to fill it with.
That's where 'REFLECTIONS WEEK' - which is absolutely not a thing - comes in.
A producer clearly discovered that they had not hit their fight quota for the year, and so was given the task of starting some s**t.
Yes, Sir.
The couples are tasked with watching how their partner reacted when they first saw them on their wedding day, and are we seriously watching television of participants watching themselves on television not even two months ago? (Yes).
We watch as Tamara tells the camera that Brent is too short and not her type and she's not really feeling it, but they both decide that's actually quite kind for Tamara, so move swiftly along.
Selina and Cody prepare to watch their wedding video back and Selina.
Remember. This is a man with no tact and even less emotional intelligence. May we suggest stepping away from the iPad. And potentially onto a bus. Home. To your family.
They watch as Cody basically says that Selina came on too strong. He's like "lol chill out" and it's like lol maybe if you want to 'chill out' you don't marry a complete stranger lol x.
In the footage, he says Selina isn't the "beaches" girl he's used to and suggests she's "mesmerised" by him and Jesus, Cody. Just grab the iPad and throw it from the balcony, how hard is it.
The next part of 'Reflections Week' (??) is providing feedback on other couples' relationships. A task we'd all enjoy in our real lives. Because we absolutely have opinions and also advice we'd like to share.
But we don't. Because that is toxic.
Tamara and Brent have to provide feedback to Ella and Mitch but there's a problem. Neither Tamara or Brent have their pen license.
They'd much prefer to just give Ella and Mitch their advice via yelling at the next Commitment Ceremony, but alas that's not an option. So they write it in (illegal) pen, and ultimately suggest that Ella and Mitch go through each other's phones for five minutes. As a trust exercise. They made up. Under the firm guidance of expert Alessandra.
It's genius because we can't stress the extent to which we are certain that Mitch has something incriminating in his phone.
Ella acts hesitant, saying she's never been through a partner's phone, and then proceeds to scroll through every photo and message and maybe phone call and WhatsApp she possibly can in five minutes.
That's when she comes across a folder on Mitch's phone that has its own passcode.
Well. Mitch says she can't look inside that one. Because it's where he speaks to his other girlfriends. Privately.
He eventually explains that the 'photo vault' (??) is full of graphic, inappropriate, private p*rn, but can't clarify whether there are photos of his ex partners in there. So. That's disturbing.
The best thing about this phase of the experiment is that the producers and experts have given up entirely on giving the show any structure or logic.
Do all couples watch each other's 'first impressions'? Na, just the ones where the footage is likely to start *h*t. Does every couple give another couple feedback? No... but here's an idea.
What if Olivia and Jackson. Had to write a letter. To Domenica and Jack. Giving feedback. On their marriage.
Liv refuses to engage in such a ridiculous task before snatching the pen off Jackson and writing a short novella.
She remarks that all Jack and Domenica do is talk about their dogs and OK you've literally offended every couple in the country. Because what the f**k else are we meant to talk about? And relatedly, have you seen my (Jessie's) dog? Chilli? And my (Clare's) dog? Caesar?
Domenica is also very excited to give Jackson and Liv feedback on their (s**t) marriage.
When Liv and Jackson receive their... report... they discover that Jack and Domenica think they are "exhibiting signs of co-dependency" which makes Liv laugh hysterically and we don't get the joke may you explain it.
They suggest that Jackson and Liv spend a night apart but Jackson hasn't even heard the end of that sentence before his bags are packed and he's heading to a private hotel room to go to the toilet with the door open and eat KFC.
"I'm fine. I'm so fine," Liv says and okay then why are there tears streaming down your face mask.
With Jackson out of the house, Liv engages in her favourite pastime: spiralling.
She decides that Jackson was "taken from [her]" at her most vulnerable, and she doesn't know why she would stay in an experiment designed to bring out the worst in her and... oh Liv. If only you had made this decision three weeks ago. Things would be so different.
When they're reunited, Liv tells Jackson that she's been "railroaded, gaslighted, attempts at assassination," and lady you've spiralled even deeper than we expected.
Jackson's all like, 'ugh I wanna go back to eating KFC alone on the toilet with Drive to Survive on in the background' and yes, well.
Welcome to a monogamous, heterosexual relationship.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.
You can read the previous MAFS recaps here:
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 28: Um. Did Liv really just say that.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 27: A slut-shaming nude photo scandal.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 26: In defence of Liv.
- Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight episode 25: The plot twist we all saw coming.
- Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight episode 24: Olivia apologises... and then whips out a takesy backsy.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 23: We need to talk about Liv.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: A very 'horny' cheating scandal.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts have had it with Carolina.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: The man who broke John Aiken.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: We have feedback about the cheating scandal.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: OK. So at this point people are just walking out.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: Why are the experts... gaslighting the women?
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 16: A perfectly engineered cheating scandal.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: "You couldn't script this sh*t."
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: We have feelings about the bride who ran three hours late.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: A burning question for Brent and Tamara.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The most manipulative night we've seen on television.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Andrew needs to be stopped.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The couple that can't stop fighting about sex.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: The groom's decision that 'doesn't make any sense'.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A messed up conversation about race.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: Sir. You did not just talk about pegging.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: We need to talk about Selin.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: Stop it. He’s doing everything for Instagram.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: 'The sex wasn't enjoyable for me.'
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your husband doesn't want to have sex with you.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.
- The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."
Image: Nine Network.
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