The Twins recap Married at First Sight: A very "horny" cheating scandal.

March 7, 2022

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We open on a Dion in mourning, ever since he asked if he could please leave but wasn't allowed to due to an arbitrary rule John Aiken made up on the spot.

Carolina is living in a separate apartment down the hall and puts together a hamper for Dion in an attempt to make the peace.

She arrives and says she would like a friendship with Dion, the man whose personality she intensely hates.

It also becomes clear that her 'gift' is really just a basket full of sh*t she found around her apartment that she doesn't want anymore. Like out-of-date pantry items. And idk like a YouFoodz hat she got given when she entered the experiment.

"I particularly liked the wet bath mat and the off milk."

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The Spill

Meanwhile, Domenica is still mad about the time Liv called her a bully. You see, she's not a bully. She's a shit-stirrer. And yeah, there's a difference.

Over in Al and Sam's apartment, things are dire.

Al feels confused and frustrated ever since Sam tried to leave last night.

He reasons that Sam (his mother) gets moody when he tries to "talk deep" and that makes him go back into his shell.

He decides to confront Sam about how she gets aggressive when she “hears stuff she doesn’t want to hear” and like, yeah, the woman is doing the child rearing of her boyfriend?? Do you have any idea how hard that is???

Al is baby. Al need Mum. Al sorry.

Things are also uncomfortable in Kate and Matt’s apartment. It’s awkward having tea in the morning with someone who tried to leave you last night but was told they weren’t allowed.

Kate feels bad for Matt, so decides to be kind.

But that is, as always, a dire mistake.

"It gives me hope again," Matt says through a grin and HOW. WHO gave you more hope and WHERE did you find it?

But ALERT ALERT ILLICIT AFFAIR ALERT.

Daniel, who left the experiment like three years ago but for some reason refuses to return to his home, has organised a date with Carolina. As he waits at an empty bar with a cocktail ready, he tells the camera that they connect on every level.

When Carolina arrives in a green dress he exclaims "YOU LOOK VERY NICE AND GREEN" and omg he’s right they really do connect on every level.

They bond over things such as the gym, but also breakfast as a mealtime, before Daniel asks “Would… would you like to have a cheating scandal with me?”

And to a lesser extent, Alessandra and Mel.

As Daniel leans in for a kiss there is literal siren music which we so appreciate. So we are alerted. To this emergency situation.

But Carolina refuses to kiss Daniel. She has a line, she explains. And it’s going on a date even though you’re married but not kissing the gentleman. Jesus. Have some decorum. Within your illicit television affair.

BUT ALERT ANOTHERALERT.

The kiss has occurred. We repeat. The kiss has occurred and Daniel is touching her bottom with his hands.

We hate it.

The editing is nothing short of award winning, with Daniel muttering “I’m getting horny” cut alongside Dion, getting into bed alone, convinced Carolina will “give [him] another shot”.

Narrator: Carolina will not give Dion another shot.

But it’s time for the couples weekend.

As they enter their entirely unnecessary luxury villa, we learn that Matt once won a table tennis championship, and here’s a question: why are we not surprised?

Meanwhile, Dion has arrived looking exactly like Elton John except with less music and more property.

Carolina's going to have a field day.

The experts explain that, yeah, the couples retreat is a very important part of the experiment. It allows the couples to fight in a new and different location, and also have dinner together every night, which means alcohol and yelling.

Carolina jokes that she wants to drown Domenica in the pool but we all know she isn’t joking. Which is fine. Because Domenica would probably death roll Carolina and it would all be very entertaining.

The men decide to play bocce and pause.

Sorry. You just established that at least two women are actively fighting and instead we’re currently watching grown men play bocce. We hate it and this show only goes for an hour and a half??? Which is too long but also very precious?? So get back to the women?

But luckily, bocce was simply a set. For drama.

You see, Domenica is standing nearby talking sh*t about her husband Jack, who is entirely within earshot.

'It's making it really hard to hear the sh*t you're saying about him.'

The men listen as Domenica explains that her and Jack haven’t had sex in two weeks, and when he does initiate intimacy it’s at the wrong times.

Here’s the thing. Domenica. Absolutely bitch about your husband. We respect and appreciate that as a past time. But goddammit do it when your husband is watching the cricket or something in another room? At least??

Eventually, Jack confronts her and Domenica breaks down in tears. She explains that sometimes when you’re with the gewls you just say things to fill the dead air, you know?

Jack explodes and tells her to “f**k off” and Domenica’s all like “DON’T EVER TELL ME TO F**K OFF” and John Aiken is rubbing his hands just out of shot because this couple’s retreat has absolutely achieved its purpose.

BUT THERE’S MORE BECAUSE IT’S GIRL’S NIGHT and may we just say, brilliant idea.

Carolina can’t wait to confront Domenica because "she likes to cause drama for attention," and um… yeah and???

As the girls are getting ready, the boys night is underway, and you better believe Al is wearing his bonnet and a bright blue onesie.

He’s been told, on multiple occasions, to stop behaving like a baby. And yet. He's dancing for the adults.

What? Yes.

A talented baby.

Now he has his clothes off and is neck deep in a pond.

But excuse you Al, Carolina is being sarcastic and we think that is just wonderful.

“I’d love to be around you,” she says to Domenica, smiling. “You seem like such a lovely person.”

The women… erupt… and suddenly Liv attacks Domenica, shouting “I’m bored of your f**king voice. And you yelling.” She elaborates that she is also sick of Domenica’s voice and also did she mention that she hates Domenica’s voice (yes).

Domenica starts crying because that is her voice and how is she to change it and next minute we have a wine glass smashed on a table. Which is not a thing we have ever seen a person do before.