Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: WE ARE ALL SO PROUD OF TIMOTHY.

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Absolutely everyone is talking sh*t about Jack.

Timothy says he visited a red flag store but it was completely out of stock because Jack purchased them all.

Hahahaha yesssss it's going to be a good episode.

Meanwhile, Tori says she has never felt this vulnerable in her life. Yet she and Jack conclude that he simply mis-communicated when he said she liked him more than he liked her.

"I have no doubt, and I have never had a doubt, with how Jack feels about me," Tori says.

What.

YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE BABE!!!!!!!!!

I'M GETTING REAL SICK OF THIS DELUSION.

Elsewhere, Sara and Tim are going well, but Tim promises to be more assertive going forward. Which, based on an otherwise unnecessary 30-second scene, tells us Sara will get annoyed at Tim's lack of assertiveness in the near future.

It's couple's retreat time!

Chaos is always great, but chaos when everyone is forced under the same roof for an entire week of unnecessary social interactions? Even better. 

"It provides insight into how couple's navigate outside influence and opinions, because in this new social setting, there is nowhere to hide," John Aiken says. 

This year, they're going to Byron.

HIDE YOUR TAROT CARDS. HIDE YOUR ROSE QUARTZ.

LUCINDA LIGHT IS GOING HOME, BABY!

I just know the funky cup is full of coconut water

Some others are less enthused. 

"I always avoided Byron because I thought it was just full of crystals and shower-dodgers," Lauren says.

And Timothy, allegedly, would prefer an anal probing.

Uh oh.

There's been a "dramatic turn of events" at Michael and Stephen's place. 

We know this because Sydney looks moody.

"Grey sky at night (or day or any time), producer's delight!"

Stephen had his hair done and Michael witnessed him flirt with the hairdresser.

Then he and the hairdresser were texting on the way home, and Stephen told Michael he felt a 'spark' he hadn't felt during their fake TV marriage.

Now that's bloody audacious! 

A much more minor problem is that Michael is recounting this all in a T-shirt featuring a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills meme, which is wonderful but highly distracting:

A crossover of epic proportions

Stephen says he feels sh*t about it but he can't help not being attracted to Michael, no matter how many letters they write or how many times Alessandra makes them cup each other's genitals.

Stephen says he can't apologise for "having a spark"?? But he could apologise for flirting in front of his fake TV husband, or for continuing to message the hairdresser after the meeting??? He didn't have to pursue the spark.

He says he would be lying if he thought he could continue in the experiment to build anything more than a friendship.

Michael takes off his ring and goes to leave, which Stephen does not like.

"You are the one that's blown it up, you are the one doing the theatrics," Stephen says.

UMMMM IDK MAN I THINK PERHAPS YOU OPENLY FLIRTING WITH SOMEONE ELSE IN FRONT OF YOUR FAKE TV HUSBAND AND THEN SAYING YOU WILL NOT EVER FEEL ATTRACTED TO HIM BLEW IT UP????

"Pretty weird thing to get so mad about!"

Everyone arrives at the retreat and I have a few immediate yet extremely unimportant notes:

• The frequency in which both Jack and Tori wear shoes while on a bed upsets me
• Jonathan as the only thing separating Jayden and Timothy in a man cuddle feels dangerous
• And I take back everything I've said about Ridge's use of the English language; "toey as a Roman sandal" is poetic 

Lucinda Light makes a spell for fun and laughs in her cauldron... so we cut to Stephen and Michael, who should definitely not be here on account of having no relationship.

But hey!

It's time for some welcome drinks, where "what could possibly go wrong?" is the motto.

Lucinda Light talks about the unpredictability of "the wind, the elements, the earthing, a bit of the ol' cheese platter". I have no commentary on that, it just needed to be here.

While Jonathan and Jayden jump in the pool, with not enough of a focused camera shot for my liking, actually, Timothy grabs Sara for a chat.

And destroys his 12 remaining brain cells by whacking his head on the wall.

Thankfully, he remains conscious enough to share some gossip: Jack showed him pics of his ex to brag about how hot she is.

Yes, we do just recycle the same drama each season but at least these two have great surprise faces:

Really leaning into the bit

BUT OOOH SARA HAS GOSSIP TOO.

1. Jack maybe tapped Sara's butt one time???? and

2. When Jack apologised to Sara post-muzzlegate, he kissed her on the neck

EEEEWWWWWW.

Lauren discusses directing the property's snake wrangler — ahhh, classic Australia — to Jack's position.

"He's got a tight man bun, way too much tan and a shirt that shows a little too much nipple," she says.

Need her co-hosting a recap podcast — NOT BEN'S! — ASAP.

Lauren and Sara establish a game plan to tell Tori when Jack isn't around, and Timothy greatly enjoys knowing all the details because he is, I say this with great affection, a messy b*tch. 

A magical moment when Timothy's consistently smug-looking face is actually meant to portray smugness

Everyone gathers around a fire to hear what's been going on with Michael and Stephen. It is a very on-the-nose metaphor.

Cass says they can't base relationships off a fleeting spark, which Sara tries to defend before Michael jumps in to tell her to focus on her own relationship.

Uh oh.

Suddenly Sara and Michael are going at it, Michael gets unnecessarily personal, and Tim... just sits there. Lol remember that scene from about 40 minutes ago about him being more assertive.

The next morning, Lucinda Light is hosting an early-morning yoga session.

"It's amazing what we can do on the earth," she says. 

A-ma-zing

Tim and Sara are both feeling flat after he did not jump in during her confrontation with Michael.

Tim feels stuck between wanting to grow as a person and feeling like he's being asked to completely change who he is, but Sara doesn't think him saying "Don't talk to her like that" is too big of an ask.

They discuss and just... move on. For now.

Meanwhile, Stephen feels bad that his relationship has not been working after he said he did not... want... the relationship... to work. 

He apologises for using definitive language, commits to trying to build a connection with Michael, and decides not to talk to hot hairdressers, besides himself in the mirror, from now on.

I would love to hear Cass' thoughts.

Me at all times

Tori reckons it's a day for relaxation and "light, happy chat". 

Asking to join a conversation with Lauren and Sara is not going to provide her that, but it is preferable to watching her and Jack share lots of sweaty kisses.

They tell her they are hesitant to ask Tori questions about her relationship for fear of her getting upset or defensive.

Tori says she's very "in tune" with what is going on but she hasn't reached her limit yet — which screams 'just playing the game for reality TV screen time'. At least I hope that is the case, because it's much better than her just being straight up delulu.

"And we would love it if you could join in"

The rest of the group are playing with question prompt cards.

WE LEARN THAT TIMOTHY ONCE HAD A PERM. AND A MULLET. AND A PERMULLET. CAN SOMEONE START DIGGING FOR THOSE PHOTOS, RIGHT! NOW!

Jayden says his biggest fear is losing his parents, which obviously hits home for Timothy. Tristan, sweet angel, gives him a little comforting 'I see you' leg tap and it is so sweet I could cry.

After the game, Lucinda Light treads very carefully while getting Timothy to open up.

He says in losing his family, the biggest thing he lost was himself.

As Lucinda Light cries about his bravery, he runs out of the room to cry alone.

He opens up about his feelings in a piece-to-camera and that feels like a huge breakthrough??? It's so nice to see the vulnerability??? We are all so proud of this emotionally unavailable man on reality TV, right???

He returns to their room and gives Lucinda Light a hug so beautiful it would make Alessandra weep.

I LOVE THEM.

After wiping our tears, it is time for separate boys' and girls' nights.

John Aiken says this is scientifically proven to improve relationships, but more importantly, it's reality TV proven to cause drama.

Timothy is half-excited, because he likes half the group of dudes. He is also half-not-excited, because he thinks the other half are d*ckheads.

I LOVE HIM

He and Lucinda Light each recount their breakthrough to the groups and everyone is really happy for them.

Even the under-30s like Jayden!

Tristan reckons Timothy's warming could speed up climate change and goodness, did we realise the entire world could become collateral damage in this man's healing?

Next, Tori tells the women she and Jack are in a good spot. We cut between Tori speaking about how fab her relationship is and the men clocking Jack's bullsh*t.

This means — speaking of scary weather phenomena — it is time for Lauren and Sara to rain on her parade.

They pull her away for a private chat and then- OH MY GOD NOT MAFS EDGING THE ENTIRE NATION.

YOU CANNOT JUST END THE EPISODE THERE.

THAT'S CRUEL.

Enjoy your 24 hours of dreaming about Jack's downfall. See you tomorrow.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:

• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Lucinda is the MAFS hero we need.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: One groom discovers that marrying a stranger is... a lot.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: We will not be listening to this man's podcast.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The season's most chaotic bride.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: 'He's completely full of sh*t.'
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jayden did WHAT with WHOM in front of WHOMST?
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: You can't just compare your new wife to your dog.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The award for worst performance in a reality TV show goes to...
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: THE GENITAL CUPPING IS HELPING NO ONE.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Fake epiphanies, golden showers and cancelled dates.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: There is simply too much yelling about yelling.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: No two people have ever wanted to hug less.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A bride brings ghosts to her wedding.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: There's one thing you don't bring on a honeymoon.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: IT DID NOT JUST END LIKE THAT.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: John Aiken is very, very mad.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: All it took was a boob joke.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Ben doesn't just dislike Ellie. Ben dislikes women.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: One man's face causes a lot of drama.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jack expertly plants the seeds of doubt.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Nine.