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THANK GOD.
Yesterday's cliffhanger was frankly rude.
Lauren and Sara sit Tori down and Lauren, with zero decorum, says "well obviously more stuff about Jack has come up".
OBVIOUSLY.
Sara recalls Jack telling Tim she was the hottest bride, the tap on her butt and the weird kiss on her neck.
Tori says she is still processing, and it is actually... visible:
E = mc2
THE BOYS ARE BACK.
BOOOOOOOO.
Tori decides that Jack, who arrives with a smile on his face, needs to be brought down a peg and I respect that deeply.
She tells him the allegations, and he 'doesn't want to comment on it'.
LOL.
He says he can't stand Sara, and repeats that this is "ridiculous" and "hilarious", but no one is... laughing.
Oh, but he does think she's hot.
LIKE A RED FERRARI.
They go inside and Jack tells Tori "well done, good job".
What forrrrrrrrrr???? Her lack of push back???? For being a good lil submissive fake TV wife????
Desperately need this to be over
If we want to talk about an actual "well done, good job," Lucinda Light says the hug she and Timothy had yesterday was one of her favourite hugs she's ever had.
I'm obsessed with the idea of her having a ranked list of hugs.
ALSO OBSESSED WITH HER WRITING A POEM.
Yes, I have publicly mocked both Jack and Ben for their poetry/horrifically written songs this season. But LUCINDA LIGHT IS DIFFERENT.
I believe deep in my soul that poetry is one of Timothy's deepest icks. But the magic of Lucinda Light is so strong that he appreciates it a lot and gifts her another high-ranking hug.
"You are the one I choose, even though you have 80 pairs of shoes"
Ooooh.
Sara tells Tim about the Jack stuff, which allegedly pisses him off because... uh, your fake TV mate touching your fake TV wife's arse is grounds for being pissed off.
But in front of Sara he seems rather calm. I foresee this becoming an issue.
But they have no time to have a disagreement about assertiveness for the 400th time, because they first must wonder how Jack and Tori's conversation about it all went.
Not Great, I reckon
Jack reassures Tori that he doesn't even like Sara, beyond her Ferrari-like features, and Tori says he's lucky she is "thick-skinned" and "strong".
And delusional.
Then she says she doesn't even believe what Sara and Lauren told her.
Both she and Jack conclude that those two are the real villains AND I'D REALLY LIKE TO WITNESS A BIT OF THIS ALLEGED STRENGTH AND THICK-SKIN. TORI. PLEASE.
Elsewhere, Lucinda Light is taking Timothy on a tour of Byron Bay. I assume this means eating açaí bowls, visiting one of 200 tarot card readers, and driving by the Hemsworth compound.
They also stumble upon Jack's favourite shop:
Hahahahahaha
Timothy also foot-shames everyone and buys Tristan a hoodie.
Not to be dramatic but is the fake TV father-son bond between Timothy and Tristan this show's greatest love story?
All the lesser connections are hanging out by the pool.
First, we see Lauren and Jonathan repair their relationship via swimming races. Then Tristan opens up about how much he hates relaxing poolside because of his body insecurities. :(
We quickly cut to Timothy, back from buying Byron Bay crystals, who has more information to share with Lauren and Sara about everyone's least favourite man bun.
Side note: these three as the gossip girlies just feels so right.
OH.
WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE.
This time the information involves Jack making a body-shaming comment about "whales" while Timothy and Tristan were by the pool.
I wish I could act shocked but much like Lauren, I simply can't.
She can no longer muster a decent surprise face for anything Jack does, and I cannot blame her
Breaking news: Jack is a real POS.
Are we all fuming? We're all fuming, right? For Tristan and Timothy — T&T! — we ride at dawn.
To calm us all down, Lucinda Light is hosting a spiritual workshop.
Actually, I don't think this is ideal for calming us down.
WHAT
IS
GOING
ON??????
Whilst far too much writhing around takes place outside her window, Eden is in crisis.
She has gossip.
And she is quite upset about it.
Meanwhile, Sara and Tim are at the beach so she can tell him, yet again, that he isn't assertive enough for her.
She says his reaction to the information about Jack was Not Good Enough and she wants him to fight Jack.
Oh yes of course, just verbally!
Jayden is concerned about Eden's level of anxiety.
And she's still very stressed about knowing the gossip.
But we aren't allowed to know the gossip yet, because I guess production was overwhelmed by storylines involving Jack and needed to keep this one in their pocket until after Tim has or has not verbally fought him.
CAN WE HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE AWFUL BODY SHAMING TOO PLS.
Everyone arrives for the final night's festivities, which have been perfectly designed for bonding drama, in high spirits.
Michael is providing lap dances and Charlie's Angels make a surprise appearance.
Tristan would be Bossley, and Lucinda Light is obviously Charlie
Timothy presents Tristan with their matching hoodies and he is SO EXCITED ABOUT A PRESENT FROM "PAPA".
They put on a fashion show for the entire group to see and it is truly delightful.
Timothy feels protective over Tristan, so he is excited to blast Jack in front of the whole group.
Meanwhile, Tim is worried about his impending confrontation because "Jack is very articulate".
REALLY? Was the muzzle comment indicative of someone who is 'good with his words'? What about his god-awful poem a few weeks back?
Back yourself, Timmy!
OH-
We're launching straight into it, as Tim yells across the entire group that he has a bone to pick.
Bold strategy.
Go off king
Jack attempts to interrupt, to which Tim says "I'm still speaking".
OOF.
I kind of GET Sara now because... that was hot.
Jack claims he is very awkward when he kisses people on the cheek, so it makes sense that he completely missed her face and actually kissed Sara on the neck. An easy mistake! Haven't we all been there?!
He also can't remember tapping her arse. But he offers an inauthentic apology, complains about Sara turning her fake TV husband against him, and decides he only let Tim win that round because he's nice.
But he's not nice and Timothy knows this.
He recalls Jack's body-shaming comment for the whole group to hear.
"It's a f***ing joke?! Girls, is that not a joke?" Jack splutters.
Narrator: it was not a joke
HE CANNOT BE SERIOUS.
He has spent the entire season becoming the women's number one enemy, but is now begging for their defence for a truly horrendous comment.
It does not work, obviously, so he changes tact: it's missing context! Context that makes body shaming fine!
LOOOL.
He even pretends he was actually saying it towards Ridge, who 1000 per cent does not want to be dragged into this mess.
As everyone yells, Tristan is internalising.
I FEEL COMPELLED TO YELL NICE THINGS AT HIM.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack yells at Lauren to shut up — although, at least he doesn't imply Jono should do it for her this time! — which really seems to jolt Tori.
DO WE THINK SHE'S FINALLY GOT THE ICK.
She has always thought Jack "was not a malicious person" (lol) but the body shaming was undoubtedly malicious.
She is deeply disappointed in him, even though he thinks this is all happening because he has a target on his back.
THE TARGET IS THERE BECAUSE YOU CONSISTENTLY ACT LIKE AN ARSEHOLE MY DUDE. NO ONE IS ATTACKING YOU FOR FUN. YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF.
Oh no, the injustice!
Tori feels like she looks like an idiot for backing him constantly. Welcome to the light, babe!
She tells him she cannot support him through this sh*t storm, but before we even have time to give her a tiny lil applause, we're suddenly all trippin'.
Well, the weird camera angles and echoed voices make it seem that way. It's a total unique, fresh and fun way to tell us that Eden feels uncomfortable. About the gossip she knows.
Let us lighten your burden, Edes! Tell us!
She then opens up behind closed doors. But the closed door does nothing because 1. she's mic'd up and 2. SHE'S TALKING TO A PRODUCER.
She received a text message, you see.
"Of something that someone's done to someone else that's quite bad."
WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, WOAH-
THAT'S F***ING CRAZY.
The next day, she and Jayden — in their matching pink swimmers, aw — chat through why she's been 'off'.
The aforementioned text? Someone asking Eden to borrow clothes to wear to a dinner WITH THEIR EX-BOYFRIEND.
Oooof.
And it was Sara.
Cut to Sara and Tim talking about how good they're tracking and how excited they are for the next few weeks, because of course.
Jayden thinks, no matter what did or did not happen between Sara and her ex, it constitutes cheating. And historically, Jayden has had completely normal reactions to cheating.
In lieu of helping Tim tee up a rendezvous with Sara's best friend, Jayden and Eden decide he should at least be told about all this.
If only there was a highly dramatic, manufactured weekly event in which they could reveal it all.
Ah, yes. See you at the dinner party.
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Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
Feature image: Nine.
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