The Twins recap Married at First Sight: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.

February 25, 2020

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IT’S HAPPENING.

WE’RE SCREAMING IN OUR LOUNGE ROOM DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

IT’S THE GREAT CHEATIN’ SCANDAL OF 2020 AND WE’VE NEVER BEEN SO CERTAIN THAT SOMETHING IS GOING TO END WITH A POOEY TOOTHBRUSH IN ALL OUR LIVES.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

February 25, 2020

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But we need to go back to where all pooey toothbrush sagas start: the beginning.

We open in Vanessa and Chris’ apartment, where Chris has moved out because he had the flu (again, why must everyone be so sick, all the time), and he just… hasn’t returned.

It turns out Vanessa has never felt like Chris is into her and pause.

Why has this not been mentioned until now? This show has had in excess of 20 hours to casually introduce the riveting plot point that one of the grooms is straight-up not keen on his bride but instead we’ve quite literally been shown footage of Steve having diarrhoea. Like, we’re not complaining. It was important in Steve’s specific story arc. All we’re saying is that we have no idea who/what a Vanessa and Chris is and thus it’s difficult to mourn the breakdown of their relationship.

chris-mafs — And why are you... sleeping.

Vanessa goes to Hayley for advice, which sounds like an appalling idea, and explains that Chris often says he’ll finish his paperwork on the couch then come to bed, but he never ends up coming to bed.

Okay.

What... paperwork? You’re unemployed given that your job is to be a full-time terrible husband.
Why are you behaving like a married couple who have the 30-year itch when you have known each other for 25 days?

To everyone’s surprise, Hayley gives the most helpful advice we’ve heard all season: ‘Honest opinion,’ she says, ‘maybe the boys aren’t into us’.

No. Sh*t.

They keep going out with each other and drinking instead of hanging out with you.

But while Hayley is having a life-changing epiphany, Evarn is having violent flashbacks of his mother singing at his wedding.

He and Aleks are about to go to lunch with their family and friends, and Evarn is terrified because his mum ‘has a tendency to embarrass herself’.

Mate. You’re the one on Australia’s most unsuccessful dating show.

When his mum arrives at lunch, Evarn tells her to be quiet in Ukrainian and honestly, we don’t know what your problem is she seems perfectly…

Oh.

Yes, well. Now she really is being embarrassing.

She’s all like, “so, sex. What do you guys think about it as a general concept like what’s your opinion and what’s your kink what’s your fetish etc etc” and Mrs Evarn pls.

Over at Chris and Vanessa’s place, their family and friends have started to arrive and Chris tells the camera, “my family are particularly aware of where things have gone bad” but Sir.

WHAT HAS GONE BAD. We are deeply invested in this show and no one has told us anything.

In a weird turn of events, Vanessa has invited her friend and her friend’s teenage daughter to meet her fake husband, which is awkward because this show is rated R and we don’t know why no one in production is checking IDs.

As they sit down to eat, it becomes immediately clear that the two married strangers at the table aren’t doing… well.

“It seems real tense right now and it’s not normal,” says Chris’ friend, and yes, that would be because it is tense and this isn’t normal.

Vanessa explains that she feels very rejected by Chris, mostly because he shows her no affection and doesn’t speak to her at all and none of this is suitable for the 15-year-old stranger sitting across from her.

Chris is asked point-blank, “do you like Vanessa?” and he’s confused because who is Vanessa.

“I’ve never felt more rejected in my life,” Vanessa says before she storms out of the apartment.

Vanessa’s friend and Chris’ sister follow her which would be fine except that there is now a 15-year-old girl sitting at a table with two adult men, one of whom is crying. Her only connection to these men is that one of them is fake married to her mum’s friend, although it looks like that’s probably… over now.

vanessa-mafs — I don't think we're getting Maccas.

You just know that Vanessa’s friend asked at the last minute if her daughter could come and everyone was like, well, not really, but she came along anyway and now LOOK.

As Chris’ crying gets more intense, the 15-year-old quietly says, “I’m just gonna head out….” and so true. She stands alone by the door, waiting for the adults to stop fighting about how they fake married a stranger and are shocked and hurt that it's not working out.

After everyone has left, Chris decides he’s 100 per cent out of the experiment, mostly because he and Vanessa have started to argue and rub each other the wrong way and WHY DID WE NOT SEE ANY OF THIS.

It’s a shame because dinner parties won’t be the same without Vanessa and Chris (they will).

Over in Natasha and Mikey’s apartment, they’ve decided to make up in an attempt to appear semi-functional in front of their parents.

But almost immediately, they start referring to their ‘tensions’ and ‘fights’ and is anyone going to bring up the fact that Mikey’s penis only lasted 10 seconds in the bedroom y/n.

“I haven’t said two bob but if it’s causing stress and strain, guys, it doesn’t work,” Natasha’s dad says, which like, yeah, we all know it isn’t working?? But that’s not what this is about?? It’s about cheating scandals and pooey toothbrushes??

“You’re better off maintaining some dignity and respect for each other and going home,” he adds and.. oh. You haven't been filled... in. You see, no one has maintained their dignity, everyone is fighting about premature ejaculation and there are rumours about a pooey toothbrush.

Eventually, Mikey speaks to Natasha’s mum and she assures him there's a reason the experiment matched them together but no, there's really not. Like, at all.

Meanwhile, Cathy and Josh decided they wouldn’t talk about their issues in front of their families and now Josh is talking about them what the fu*k.

He announces that Cathy didn’t speak to him for three days, and Josh’s mum, suddenly a demon, stares at her son’s fake wife and bellows: ‘don’t ever ignore my son again.’

Cathy’s mad because it’s like, okay but maybe if your son stopped having conversations with people who aren’t me then I wouldn’t have to ignore him for no reason???

But PAUSE.

Perhaps Cathy was perfectly within her rights to be suspicious of Hayley.

Because Hayley has gone out on the town and David is reporting exclusively from his hotel room.

No.

No.

OUR MOUTHS ARE AGAPE.

HAYLEY HAS HOOKED UP WITH MICHAEL AND DAVID IS SO ANGRY HE CAN ONLY LAUGH BUT IN A SICK WAY THAT MAKES US CERTAIN HE’S GOING TO DO SOMETHING HE REGRETS WITH A TOOTHBRUSH.

Tomorrow night’s episode is going to be award-winning television and we will SEE YOU THERE.

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