‘I applied for MAFS 2025 and sir, why do you need to know my weight?'

I, like the rest of the world, mourned when Married At First Sight season 11 finished on Monday night. 

It's so nice to see people in love, dontcha think?

And then it hit me, like the sweet tinkling of Cupid's bells (he has bells right?).

I... am completely and utterly alone single.

I enjoy television and dinner parties and paid-for holidays.

I like yelling at strangers and accusing people of cheating after one too many wines (I kid, I kid!).

But for real: my love life truly is a barren plain where tumbleweeds roam and dreams go to die, and being married off to a stranger sounds like a pretty promising prospect at this point.

And after all, they do say to find like-minded people doing the things you enjoy — and there are few things I enjoy more than sitting on my couch watching TV, so this just feels like fate somehow? 

Plus, I had a session with a psychic medium earlier this year, and she mentioned that I'd be meeting someone in the next six months, and that it definitely WOULD NOT be on the apps. So it's pretty clear to me that what she was saying-without-saying was that I definitely absolutely need to apply for MAFS.

Yeah, I can read between the lines.

Watch: I can only pray to be as fabulous as Lucinda Light. Post continues below.

So applying for MAFS is an interesting process because the first thing they want from me is my solemn vow that this is a genuine application and okay 😬 Sure. 

I definitely don't just want to hang out with John Aiken.

"Please answer all questions in an honest and clear manner," begs the form and no, sir, I shan't because I've seen what happens on this show and I don't believe that would be in my best interests. Besides, let's not lie to ourselves: the best bits on MAFS are when people are shady, so I think it's worth kicking things off on the right foot.

PSA to anyone else thinking of applying for arranged love: there are a lot of questions here. Already this is feeling like way more effort than I'm really willing to put in for love because it would be easier to order a pizza, and I'm approximately 97 percent sure it would make me just as happy as a man.

Maybe... happier? Because, cheese.

After I've promised on my (hypothetical) firstborn's life that I am doing this of my own free will and out of a burning desire for love and NOT because I want more Instagram followers or teeth-whitening brand partnerships or to meet John Aiken or ANYTHING LIKE THAT, they start with the most vital question of all: What do I weigh?

Because of course they do. Because this is an INTEGRAL PART OF ANY QUEST FOR TRUE LOVE and something I like to ask anyone before I consider dating them.

Oh but wait, they want my height too, so that makes... still not much sense? Unless my match is based on my BMI which, honestly? Might just be how they work these matches out. Because clearly matching personalities, values and consideration for what contestants are looking for aren't always on the agenda.

So... this isn't awkward. Image: Fox.

The rest of the questions on the first page are fairly inoffensive, so that's a step in the right direction, but when I hit 'Next' onthe form, s**t gets deep. Well, deeper.

Help us understand why you are looking for love:

I refer you to my special personal barren wasteland, and add that I dream of finding a love as true and pure as Tori and Jack's, but also pls don't pair me with Jack 2.0. Even I don't hate myself that much 🫠🫠 .

If Timothy came back for round two though, I'd be down. Emotionally unavailable men are like magnets to me, so there's that. (No but srsly, I love Timothy, give us a chance.)

They ask about my relationship with my parents, and I'm fairly sure my mum isn't so desperate to marry me off that she'll exactly be pleased that I'm volunteering to fake-marry a stranger on TV, but I don't think I'll be disowned or anything, which feels like a solid starting point?

When they want to know about my passions, hobbies and interests, I'm not sure what to say outside of pizza and watching MAFS. Awkwardly, this is also my typical Saturday night (which they... also want to know about), and do I... have any other hobbies? I must? Next question.

They try to catch me out with what I'm looking for in a partner, and what qualities I don't like in people, and jokes on them because I do not like people at all. This question also assumes I haven't... actually watched the show? And don't know that contestants are paired with the exact opposite of what they want. So, okay... just spit-balling here, I am looking for a misogynistic dickhead who thinks too highly of himself and wears too-tight jeans and calls people whales and tells people to muzzle their women?

The producers are also dying to know whether I've ever been convicted of a crime, ever been declared bankrupt, ever been subject to any disciplinary proceedings and look, I can't blame them for asking because that's just smart business. 

And honestly I wish I was that exciting. 

I accidentally took one of those snap-lock bags of mixed lollies one step out of a shop by accident once when I was a kid and I RAN back inside to pay, and that's as fast and loose as I've ever played with the law.

They want to know about challenges I've faced in my search for true love, and my preference for not leaving the house feels like a pretty significant barrier. Which kind of feeds into "What other methods have you used to find love?", because what methods? I've been waiting for a hot daddy to turn up and knock on my door and so far, it hasn't been panning out, which is weird. 

And then I hit it: the question that is going to make or break my application. 

Is there anything about yourself that you'd be worried to tell a potential partner?

This is where I assume Jack said, "I currently have a girlfriend whom I shall dump if I get picked to go on MAFS."

Where Timothy confessed that he used to be a drug-smuggling helicopter pilot.

Where Collins revealed he is an active member of his local amateur theatre group.

Me? I can't think of anything remotely that exciting and suddenly realise that the gnawing sensation in my gut isn't a desire for love, but actual hunger. So instead of answering and hitting send, I'm going to order a pizza instead and wait for true love to stroll into my yard.

Alix Nicholson is Mamamia's Weekend Editor. For more of her stories about love pizza, follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Channel Nine; Supplied.