'I just applied for next year's Married At First Sight and things got... weird.'

There was a moment earlier this week where I thought about buying a copy of The Barefoot Investor. 

I thought maybe if I just got smart about money and savings and labelling my bank cards, I would be able to ride the wave of this whole cost-of-living crisis/rental crisis/$7-for-a-bag-of-chips crisis and come out the other end the kind of smug person who talks about having an 'emergency fund'. 

And then I realised I can't afford to buy a book in this economy! 

That's like three bags of $7 chips! 

There's another much faster, more sensible way to have more money, and that's the reality-TV-contestant-to-teeth-whitening-sponsorship-to-national-radio-show pipeline. 

All I have to do is place my future completely in John Aiken's hands, marry a stranger on TV, maybe do a cheat and be hated by the entire nation, get at least three months' coverage on the Daily Mail and the world is my oyster. 

As the meerkat said on that ad in the late 2000s: Simples! 

I open the application and the first thing I see is this disclaimer: 

PLEASE SUBMIT GENUINE APPLICATIONS ONLY. 

via GIPHY

Ok, they're onto me. 

One of the first questions they ask me is how tall am I and how much I weigh. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, JOHN AIKEN, WORK OUT MY BMI?

Look, it does feel like they're trying to knock me out in the first round but I shan't be put off. I explain to them that, yes, whenever I wear pants I look like an ageing Danny DeVito, but I'm sure my future husband will be able to see past that and towards the future teeth-whitening endorsements. 

On the second page, we get deep. 

They ask me why I'm looking for love and I reply that I'm looking for Jesse??? Because he left the other night??? And I haven't been able to find him??? 

IS 

HE 

OK? 

And also, is he single? 

The nation's women are desperate to know. 

They ask me about my relationship with my parents and look, it's about to go downhill when they find out their almost 40-year-old daughter is marrying a stranger named Dean and/or Dan on a TV show because she's worried about the rising cost of chips. 

Note to self: must stop bringing shame to entire family. Including ancestors. 

They ask me about my hobbies and interests and I simply reply: N/A. 

It's 2023, my hobbies are watching TikToks while watching reality TV and worrying about the future. 

They ask me to describe my typical Saturday night so I just insert this GIPHY of Bridget Jones: 

via GIPHY

Sure it's a cliche, but cliches are cliches for a reason! 

They ask me what I'm looking for in a partner and honestly I'm still just trying to find out what happened to Jesse. 

I'M SORRY TO THIS MAN. 

They ask me whether I've ever had cosmetic surgery and whether I have tattoos and I tick yes to both because I'm no fool, this show is 40 per cent cosmetic surgery/40 per cent tattoos/20 per cent product placement for Door Dash. 

At this point I'll take all the free cosmetic procedures and Door Dash deliveries I can get my hands on. 

This is when things get... interesting.

They ask me whether I've ever been convicted of a criminal offence, whether there's ever been an AVO against me, whether I've ever been bankrupt, and whether I'm involved in any other dispute or court proceedings. 

People live such exciting lives! The only court I know is Judge Judy's. 

Seriously, though, what kind of hardened criminals are applying to be softly lectured about 'the walls they put up' by John Aiken? 

And finally, they ask me the question that will determine whether I get my 15 minutes of fame or not.

It's the big one! The question that will decide whether I end up in the pile of applicant rejects or find myself walking down the aisle towards a man who is both a personal trainer and a DJ. 

THE BIG ONE. 

Of course I have a dirty little secret, John Aiken. 

I tell them I'm actually the love child of Ines Basic and Sam Ball from season six and I'm immediately moved to the front of the line. 

I can almost smell the teeth-whitening sponsorship money! 

Keryn Donnelly is Mamamia's Pop Culture Editor. For her weekly TV, film and book recommendations and to see photos of her dog, follow her on Instagram and TikTok. 

Feature image: Channel Nine/supplied.