sex

'I was a virgin when I met my husband. I wish I'd never told him.'

The author of this post is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons. The featured image is a stock photo.

Confession: I didn’t have sex until I was 19 years old.

I know, that’s late. But I’d attended an all-girls school my entire life, and had a dad who was very strict in governing my social time. So naturally, one of the first things I wanted to do when I went to uni was get rid of that ‘embarrassing’ V-card.

And also – I was gagging for it.

I met an older man whom I began dating, and I was very upfront – I told him I was a virgin and made it very clear I wanted to do something about that immediately. But to my surprise, it made him reluctant to put any sort of pressure on me, and although we fooled around, we didn’t have sex until a couple of months in.

What a gentleman, right? At least he wasn’t one of those creepy dudes who gets off on virgins.

But as it turned out, my virginity created other issues for us. Issues that continued long after I married this man.

The Mamamia team on how we lost our virginity. Post continues after podcast. 

Video by MMC

I didn’t quite realise it at the time, but he used it as a put down – he used this information against me. For example, if I told him there was a position I wanted to try, he’d be like, “Nah, you won’t like it, trust me.”

It was a power trip for him. Well, his loss, right? He had a curious woman at his disposal but his ego was more important to him than the satisfaction of his penis. Go figure.

This guy also used to gaslight me into thinking issues in the bedroom were my fault, and he did it successfully, because I was inexperienced – and he knew I believed him.

I remember one night he couldn’t orgasm, and after trying for a while, he said, “Something doesn’t feel right when I’m inside you, you feel different.”

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What could be f**king different, dude?!

But at the time, his words made me cry – I felt like a failure as a woman in some way. It was a mean thing to say, and he was deflecting his own issues. But I was too young to realise this was gaslighting.

If a man said that to me now, I’d kick him in the Jatz crackers and never see him again.

That’s right; two decades later, I now I have a lot more experience. And mate – that night? It was all you.

Samantha X, Rachel Corbett and Dr. Lauren Rosewarne chat about the big O and whether sex can only be ‘good’ if you’re reaching orgasm twice each time. Post continues after podcast. 

My virgin status also caused trouble in our relationship in another way I couldn’t have anticipated; it made this guy insecure.

The first time I realised this was when he picked a fight with me for chatting with his best mate – right in front of him. Later that night, he accused me of flirting, and demanded to know if I found his friend attractive.

I couldn’t believe it. You’d think a man would be happy that his partner and best friend were getting along – but apparently, not this man.

“I know you think about other guys, because you don’t have any experience,” he drunkenly told me.

It was something he’d come to say to me often in the time we were together. Any time I got attention from, or spoke to, another man, he’d say to me later, “You were so into him. I bet you wanted to f**k him.”

I’d think: Um, no sir, I did not. But trust me, your ugly response now makes me want to.

I see now that what he negatively thought of as a lack of experience on my part, made an already insecure man more insecure. He was deflecting his own issues, and didn’t realise that just because he might have felt like that in my position, I didn’t necessarily feel the same way.

Mostly because I wasn’t an asshole.

The whole ‘virginity issue’ caused such huge arguments – and definitely not enough make up sex after to make it worth it – that we eventually broke up.

I wished at the time I’d never told him about being a virgin; but then I also suspect if I’d told him I’d slept with five men, he’d have gone nuts about that, too.

In any case, how he reacted to the information and used it against me was a blessing to help me see that ultimately, I dodged a goddamn bullet.

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