It would be factually inaccurate to describe Netflix's Falling for Christmas, starring Lindsay Lohan, as a 'new' movie, mostly because precisely nothing about it is actually... new.
The plot. The characters. The (countless) clichés. The script.
There's literally a 2016 movie called Falling for Christmas that looks significantly better than this one, solely because it doesn't appear to involve a bratty heiress being diagnosed with amnesia.
But while Lohan's latest film is embarrassingly over-the-top, lazily written, and generally a sign of a broken entertainment industry that spits out what an algorithm tells it to rather than, say, anything remotely interesting, I loved every minute of it and I refuse to apologise.
You see, Christmas movies have a legal right to be terrible for reasons I can't quite articulate. Something to do with carols and trees and snow means that no matter how little sense they make, and how many smiling children beg for a 'Christmas miracle' (THAT'S NOT A THING), they still feel deeply culturally necessary.
So here's a recap of Falling for Christmas, a movie you'll feel like you've already seen, probably because you technically have.
We open with Sierra (played by Lindsay Lohan, whose casting is the only explanation for why this film was made, and tbh she often looks like she regrets it) being woken up by a hotel phone call. We're only moments in, but there's something you need to know: it's Christmas.
Is Christmas in the title of the movie? Yes. But there's also a Christmas carol playing. And it's snowing. And there's Christmas paraphernalia in every inch of this hotel room. And every character is exclusively wearing red and/or green.
We meet Sierra's boyfriend, 'Tad', and okay but why is that a name that only exists in American movies. He has a British accent and in case you've never seen a Christmas rom-com before, that means he's evil.
Tad is an influencer, and pause.
I. Like. Movies. Where. People. Are. On. Instagram. Do you see? They're simple and promise not to tackle any complex themes and/or issues.
We learn that Sierra's father (Mr Belmont) is a hotel magnate, and she wants to be known for more than just her last name. So, yeah, with Tad's help, she'd like to also be an influencer.
EUGH WHY IS THIS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO WATCH WHILE I EAT A SNICKERS ON MY LOUNGE WITH MY SNORING DOG IN MY LAP.
At the hotel, a young man named Jake tries to convince Mr Belmont to invest (??) in his cheaper ski lodge (??) which honestly sounds like a terrible business decision, and Mr Belmont tells him politely to go f*ck himself. But as Jake is leaving the hotel, he runs straight into Sierra and spills his hot chocolate all over her!!!!!!!!!
Have you ever seen that!!!!!! In a movie!!!!! I didn't see it coming!!!! Not for a second!!
Sierra yells that she now has a stain on her designer outfit, and poor Jake returns home. We learn he has a daughter and his wife is dead, and he needs a miracle to keep his lodge afloat.
Moments later, we're told Sierra's mother is also dead and okay why are women over the age of 30 in these kinds of movies always deceased. It feels super unnecessary.
But more worrying is the fact that Sierra, a grown woman, refers to her father as 'Daddy'.
It turns out Mr Belmont is going out of town for a few days, returning just before Christmas, and what could possibly go wrong? (Everything).
Sierra and Tad decide to do an Instagram photoshoot together in a remote spot in the snow, and while travelling there in the car, a familiar Christmas song comes on.
You guys it's Jingle Bell Rock.
I repeat.
LINDSAY LOHAN SINGS JINGLE BELL ROCK AND I DON'T CARE THAT THIS MOVIE IS APPALLING WHOEVER THOUGHT OF THIS IS A GENIUS.
Tad tells Sierra she's flat which is ridiculous because if there's one thing Lindsay Lohan can do, it's sing this particular song, and then changes the station. If I was analysing this scene - which no one ever should - I'd say it's implying that deep down Sierra is just like Cady from Mean Girls, but she's being forced by the people around her to be someone else. OR maybe Falling for Christmas is a sequel to Mean Girls, where Cady has discovered she's actually an heiress and abandoned everything she learned after Regina George got hit by a bus.
Anyway.
Once they arrive on a remote mountain for their Instagram photoshoot, Tad proposes with a truly heinous ring. Everything about it is ridiculous, which would honestly be fine if it was even a little bit funny. Which it isn't.
Back in the town, Jake's daughter is of the belief that at Christmas time, you can write down a wish, attach it to a Christmas tree, and it will come true. It's strange because this just isn't part of the folklore of Christmas whatsoever.
Luckily, the real life Santa Claus is nearby, and decides to grant her 'secret' wish, which is something to do with her father falling in love.
Apparently Santa's magic powers allow him to create a gust of wind, which causes Sierra to fall off the cliff she's standing on with Tad, seemingly to her death.
Luckily, she slides down the snow - for what honestly feels like five full minutes - and hits her head on a tree. At this point, she's a body in the snow and I honestly didn't see Falling for Christmas going this way.
On his snowmobile, Jake just so happens to drive past and rescue her, bringing her to the local hospital.
I can't explain how serious this situation is. She was found unconscious in the snow, remained unconscious on the journey to the hospital, and wakes up with no memory of her name or anything about who she is.
But does she appear to be physically injured? No, not really. Is she hooked up to any medical equipment? God no. Do they appear to be running tests on what is apparently a very severe brain injury? Absolutely not.
Instead, they send her home with Jake - a man she definitely does not know - to stay in his lodge.
Jake's daughter, a character whose name I refuse to Google, takes an instant liking to Sierra, and encourages her to find a new name for herself. After a few suggestions, Sierra chooses 'Sarah', which is deeply confusing for the remainder of the film.
At the lodge, Jake decides to set 'Sarah' to work doing some cleaning, because the doctor said doing 'normal things' might bring back her memory.
Okay, no.
This woman needs to be in hospital. Yesterday she was discovered in the snow, unconscious and almost dead, and she has literally no idea who she is. WHY IS SHE DOING ODD JOBS FOR A LOCAL STRANGER.
Of course, because Sierra is a very spoilt heiress, she doesn't know how to clean, and manages to break everything, including the washing machine. Jake gets angry and it's like... dude this woman should be on bedrest?? Why are you forcing labour from an undocumented lady with a brain injury?
To apologise for his outburst, Jake takes Sarah to the Christmas market, where she bonds with him, his daughter, and Jake's mother-in-law. No members of the general public are at all perturbed that this local family have kidnapped a woman from the hospital and forced her to work at their lodge.
The following day, Sarah's making her own bed, learning to make pancakes and not breaking the washing machine because growth but also change.
By that afternoon, they're doing a carol singalong as a family and it's horrible.
Jake even teaches her to ski and again, this woman almost died two days ago in a freak skiing accident can we let her... rest.
It quickly becomes clear that Jake's hotel - staffed exclusively by his underage daughter and a woman he kidnapped from the hospital - is not thriving. As a thank you, Sarah decides to raise money for the lodge, by hosting a Christmas Eve party.
It's entirely unclear how inviting people to a party generates income for the lodge, but Sarah is certain it will solve everyone's problems. As she's planning the event, her father returns to the town to discover his daughter is missing and no one thought to a) report it to the police, or b) check whether she might be the woman who got stolen from the hospital by a complete stranger.
Luckily, while at the police station he finds Tad, who has been stuck in a weird shed for reasons I simply do not have the energy to go into.
Back at the Christmas Eve party, guests start randomly giving Jake money, because apparently in this economy everyone's just writing cheques for no reason. Just as he's about to thank Sarah for her ingenious idea (??), her father and Tad arrive and her memory is instantly restored.
But guys. I don't know if it's been made clear enough but Sarah/Sierra loves Jake now, and also, it's Christmas.
As she's leaving, we get what I assume are meant to be emotional flashbacks of their love story. The singalong from five minutes ago, for example. And the time they went to the Christmas market. But it's like... pls we saw all of this. We were here... watching.
Of course, Sierra has discovered in her time at the lodge that during her journey to remembering who she is, she's found who she really is.
She gives Tad his ring back and breaks up with him, and by the end of the movie he appears to be in love with the hotel concierge - a man named Terry.
Sierra has a lacklustre reunion with Jake, and I feel... absolutely nothing.
There is no chemistry between them. He kidnapped her from a hospital. This is not a love story for the ages.
It's honestly quite impressive for a film to occupy my attention for over an hour and fail to be even momentarily believable, but Falling for Christmas does exactly that.
It's unoriginal, uninspiring and profoundly unfunny, but it's Christmas. And for that reason, legally, I must recommend it.
May it be watched in droves over the next month, and then entirely forgotten by human history.
For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Instagram and TikTok.
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