At 48, Nelly Thomas has previously dated women in her earlier years – but after she left her husband during the pandemic, she decided it was time to try and date just females.
For Nelly, she had been open about her sexuality from a young age – first coming out as lesbian, and then bisexual in her late teens. For a long time, she was in a de facto relationship with her male partner and they had two kids together. But over time, Nelly realised she wasn't happy or fulfilled in the relationship – so she decided to leave it.
Speaking on No Filter this week with her podcast The Single Life Of Us co-host Kate Mulholland, Nelly said dating in your middle age is a whole other ball game. Then add sexuality to the mix.
For Nelly, she decided after her 'divorce of sorts' that she only wanted to date women.
"I used to work in family violence, so I thought it would be safer to have only women on my profile. That's the truth. If my friends had set me up with a bloke, I probably would have gone on the date with the guy, as I'm not opposed to it. But in the online dating space, I chose just women," Nelly explained to Mia Freedman.
She acknowledged that "women can be cray" as well, saying violence and abuse isn't just specific to one gender or sexuality. But for her personally, she felt safer to step into the dating world with women only. So that's what she did – and has continued to do.
"Maybe subconsciously I also wanted something different to what I had in my marriage. Since the split, I haven't been on any dates with men – just women. And it's been great," she said.
She put 'time poor single mum' in her bio, added a bunch of candid, non-filtered photos to her profile, and by the next day, had hundreds of women sending her likes.
And so far, it's been a great experience.
"I haven't yet ended up in a relationship from the apps, but geez, I've had a great time. I've had some great dates and even when it doesn't work out, you've had two adults together having a drink – how bad can it be."
For Nelly's close friend Kate Mulholland, she too is on a similar journey after recently splitting from her husband.
"For me growing up in a really conservative Christian home, there wasn't that option [to explore your sexuality]. Now I'm ruling men out. I am never sucking a d**k again. I am not doing it. There's a whole suite of silent women in long-term relationships who are resentful that their sexual needs are not being met," Kate said.
"If I had never considered that I could be gay or bisexual, then the most obvious thing to me that I didn't want to do was put that thing in my mouth."
Listen to Kate and Nelly speak on No Filter. Post continues after audio.
Kate also said her children responded well when she told them about her sexuality, and the fact she no longer identifies as heterosexual.
"My daughters were really thrilled when I told them first. I just think that it is a brave new world. I don't know if you suddenly become something though – I think you've been something and you haven't given yourself permission to think about it."
It's this sentiment exactly that Nelly coined as "late to lez". The realisation that hits many women over the age of 40 that they either are attracted to the opposite sex, or give themselves permission to acknowledge that their sexuality isn't binary.
"There's a reason there's a lot of 'late to lez'. And that is because for our generation – we had some queer role models, but they were mostly effeminate men," Nelly said.
"Lesbians in our day were Frankie from Prisoner, they were sad, they were sleazy, they never had children. The representation was bad. Our kids generation see it completely differently – and maybe that's freed a lot of middle-aged women now. If the apps are anything to go by, there's a s**t load of 'late to lez'."
As Glennon Doyle said: "Being gay isn't contagious. Freedom is contagious."
Watch Glennon Doyle speak to Mia Freedman about coming out as gay later in life. Post continues below.
Jaime Messina is an American sociologist and life coach who helps members of the LGBTQIA+ community find their confidence. With the thousands of women she has worked with, Jaime has said a lot of women post-pandemic have realised their sexuality.
And she said the intersection between the pandemic and people sharing their experiences via social media has resulted in the 'late to lez' movement reaching new heights.
"During the pandemic, we were all home and couldn't really do much except be on our phones. I realised very quickly that this trend was being featured in my 'for you page' where it was kind of a joke that women were 'turning' lesbian later in life. And that piqued my interest. Because soon that joke morphed into a very serious realisation for many."
For Jaime, she said many women who were in long-term relationships with men noticed a shift after being stuck together for so long – a realisation that it wasn't just their specific man, but perhaps men in general that they weren't attracted to.
And with more and more women sharing their realisation online, it made others feel seen and understood.
@jaimemessina #stitch with @sam.breezie ♬ original sound - Jaime Messina
"The TikTok algorithm is insane. In your 'for you page', if you look at a video for a few seconds longer than another, the algorithm will see your interest. And seeing so many videos of other women sharing their own experiences, would have made some question their own sexuality," Jaime said. "Lots of women I've worked with said to me 'I just thought that girl was pretty – now I've started to realise I have proper feelings'."
The reason Jaime became a life coach was that she had seen first-hand the 'later in life lesbian' niche and knew it was something that needed to be talked about more.
"The first question lesbians in this scenario have is 'what resources are there for me?' Only recently have we seen more information, and more women sharing their experiences publicly. And we have social media to thank for that," Jaime said to Mamamia.
This is where Nelly and Kate find themselves today.
As Nelly said on No Filter: "With my sexual identity, the very presence of fluid sexuality implies that it's an option. I'm queer, you could be – I'm not saying you are or you aren't – but it's an option, and it's there. And that's important."
Feature Image: Mamamia/Instagram @nellythomascomedian.
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