Look alive, people! The most important news of the long weekend has arrived, and it is as follows:
There’s something really weird going on on Kim Kardashian’s Instagram.
What was once a sacred space reserved for #empowering naked selfies and #cute pictures of North West now resembles a film reel for a black and white porno.
Oh, you think I’m kidding? I assure you, I am not.
Here’s what we know so far: Kim and Kanye are at a “wedding” in Miami. The wedding doesn’t appear to involve anyone getting married, but does appear to involve much sexy consumption of fairy floss.
Literally everyone at the “wedding” is mostly naked and eating fairy floss.
It’s looking increasingly like the “wedding” is nothing but a cover for an enormous well-dressed orgy where Kim and her friends can come together for one night of no-strings-attached, fairy-floss-covered sex.
Why else would Kim need to strap her breasts in so high and tight, if not to mitigate the risk of accidentally bopping a fellow orgy-goer in the face?
I’m guessing, but can’t confirm, that this guy (no, higher up, on top of the legs!) is one of Kim’s new orgy-friends. Nothing to be embarrassed about, but let’s keep it PG, orgy-friend. There are children on Instagram.
At the time of publishing, Kim has posted 15 photos from the orgy “wedding”, numbered 001 to 015. Do the numbers indicate the number of new sexual partners she’s experimented with in the orgy? The number of times she has to black-and-white filter each shot? The kilograms of orgy fairy floss she has stuck in her hair?
More importantly, does the placeholder “0” at the beginning of the number indicate she expects to make it to triple digits on any of the above?
It’s possible we’ll never know.
Only one thing is certain – this is not your average “wedding”.
Kan’t get enough Kim? Watch her talk about wanting to be famous at thirteen years old.