“Don’t shut down who you are. Don’t try and edit yourself into something you’re not. Be who you are.”
While young adult author John Marsden has stirred up controversy this week by claiming that bullying is “feedback” for kids with “unlikeable behaviours”, another young adult author has come out today with a very different view.
Claire Zorn, who says Marsden’s books were really important to her as a kid, tells Mamamia she found his comments on bullying worrying.
“I would have thought that he would be more insightful as to the kind of things that teenagers live with and put up with,” she says. “I wanted to stand up on their behalf.”
High school is all about five minute moments. If you’re being bullied, don’t give up. Post continues after video.
Zorn herself was bullied at school. That bullying included having rotten banana smeared on her back, and crude drawings of her performing sex acts being passed around class.
So why was she bullied?
“I think I was probably just a bit weird and a bit different to the other kids,” she says.
Zorn’s parents were supportive, but it was a time when schools often brushed off bullying as “part of childhood”.
“I remember I was in Year Six and I went with my parents to meet the principal or someone about some of the ways that I was being treated at school. And I still remember, to this day, she said, ‘Well, it’s not going to be a problem next year or in five years or in 10 years, so it’s not worth worrying about’.”
“Of course, it does have a long-term effect on you, which I think is something that schools and teachers are finally starting to recognise.”
Zorn did, in fact, treat the bullying as a kind of feedback.
“I think kids that are bullied or ostracised, they do start to self-edit their behaviour and their personalities, which is what my experience was. You just kind of shut yourself down. It was all pretty horrible.”
But it didn’t help. By the end of high school, she was having suicidal thoughts.
“I had some pretty serious mental health issues by the time school was over. I became super-anxious and depressed and lonely and isolated. I think that when you feel you’re not accepted for the person that you are, it can have a huge impact on mental health. When the message comes back that who you are isn’t right, that’s incredibly damaging and harmful.”
Zorn went on to channel her experiences into the novel The Protected. Now she has young people contacting her via social media or coming up to her at school visits to tell her about their own experiences.
“They say things like, ‘I’ve been bullied and I really connected with the character of Hannah, like she was my friend, and I felt less alone.’”
Listen to an episode of Mamamia’s parenting podcast This Glorious Mess below. On this episode, what age should you let your child have Instagram? Post continues after audio.
Zorn doesn’t think we should be victim blaming. When someone is being bullied, it’s the person doing the bullying who needs to change their behaviour.
“Bullying isn’t about the person being bullied. It’s about the perpetrator themselves. I think we need to recognise, sometimes, that when they’re victimising other students, it’s because of stuff they’re dealing with in their lives as well. At the same time there’s a place for reprimanding certain behaviour.”
The author has a message for young people who are being bullied, and it’s very different from Marsden’s message.
“All I can really do is speak from experience and just say they will find their people. They might not have found their people yet but they will find their people, whether it’s at university or outside school, in some other activity.
“It’s excellent to embrace diversity and the quirky qualities that other people don’t have. That’s a beautiful part of being human. We’re all so different.
“I just really hope that teenagers don’t take his comments on board and I hope they just feel that they can actually be who they are.”
If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you’re based in Australia, please contact Lifeline 13 11 14 for support or beyondblue 1300 22 4636.
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Top Comments
I was bullied throughout school, though mostly through high school. I was probably a bit of a strange kid - odd sense of humour and interests that differed from most of my peers - but I don't see why that should have made me a target. I wasn't nasty (apart from one time in primary school, which I am genuinely still ashamed of). I didn't pester other children. I didn't try to force them to be interested in the things I was. What sort of "feedback" was I supposed to get from that? That I should just pretend to like what everyone else did? That I should feel like a complete weirdo and carry that through to my adult years? That I should feel lesser than compared to just about anyone else? Good news for you, John Marsden - I got those messages loud and clear!
As a teacher, I've seen my share of bullying. Very rarely has it been directed at children who are disliked for a good reason and might benefit from the sort of "feedback" John Marsden thinks they need. I've seen that, sure. But far more often, the kids being bullied are just sort of oddballs or stand out as different in some way and their peers turn on them because of it.
I don't understand John Marsden's comments at all. I was bullied relentlessly throughout primary and high school, mainly due to the fact that I was very intelligent (= 'nerd'), very shy (= 'stuck up') and didn't keep up with popular culture (didn't have the 'cool' toys or clothes, wasn't allowed to watch commercial TV and had embarrassingly healthy lunches, no junk food) due to my parents' views on raising kids. Later in high school I was bullied because I was good-looking but not part of the popular girls' group (= I was a threat).
Now is John Marsden saying that this is feedback on the type of person I was? Because I sure as hell interpreted it that way, and developed a whole catalogue of debilitating mental health issues as a result. That 'feedback' told me that I shouldn't show how smart I was, so I dumbed myself down. That 'feedback' told me I wasn't interesting or worth having as a friend, so that's how I viewed myself. That 'feedback' told me I should stifle who I was and try to pretend to fit in, but also that I would never truly fit in or be good enough.
Sure, kids may be being bullied because their behaviours are 'unlikable', but just think for a minute on who is doing the judging and deciding those behaviours are unlikable? Children should not be being forced from an early age to conform to the middle ground, just because they are different or 'weird' or not the same. Good grief, this view is so harmful and damaging.
That sounds like a toxic school culture.
A good school culture welcomes diversity. I was at a good high school (and John Marsden presumably runs one). I was called a 'nerd', but not relentlessly and students helped each other when we could. (I helped with maths and English when asked and they volunteered their help with PE etc). The popular kids weren't my friends because we didn't share the same interests but we cheerfully worked together in class and on camps.
My friend went to the same school. She was 'bullied'. She also thought she was better than everyone else and entitled to be part of the 'in' crowd even though they had nothing in common and she had a number of friends.TBH my friend's tendency towards back hand compliments were far more damaging to my mental health than anything anyone else said or did. Thirty years later she still feels aggrieved that people didn't appreciate her. And she still thinks she's better than everyone else. So maybe you're right. Name-calling, gossip, and social isolation don't work. Thirty years later I accept that some days my friend is going to make me feel like crap. Giving her conventional feedback about how she makes me feel won't work because the 'I statements' will be interpreted to mean that there's something wrong with me that I need her help to fix.
My brother was a bully who often belittled me. My grandmother advised me to only wear the hats that fit. If someone calls you a nerd, because you are then that's not an insult, that's a fact. If someone says you're stuck up when you're shy, then your bully is an idiot and hardly worthy of your time and consideration even if it is painful to be misunderstood.
Thanks, sounds like your school was much more supportive! Your friend sounds like a nightmare though. I left a lot of my school 'friends' behind as once I left school, I realised we didn't have a lot in common and I could do without the kid of backhanded compliments they dished out. Nothing like uni for finding fellow weirdos!
But I do think there is a real difference between a) 'bullying' as a negative reaction to poor or antisocial behaviour (like that of your friend) and b) bullying due to jealousy or tall poppy syndrome. I had a very dear friend who was enormously talented in music, he was bullied throughout high school and now he's with Opera Australia, so look who's laughing now!