Listen to this story being read by Chelsea McLaughlin, here.
Joe Jonas was the first man I ever loved.
Not to be dramatic but... yeah. It was 2007, my younger brothers were watching the Disney Channel (Hannah Montana, probably), and in an ad break, a Jonas Brothers cover version of Kim Wilde's 'Kids of America' was blasted into my living room.
For reference... Joe Jonas looked like this in that music video:
Not sure who the girl next to my boyfriend is??? Image: YouTube.
The spiky, straightened hair? The skinny tie?
Fourteen-year-old me was never the same.
It's been 15 years since I experienced that love at first sight, and in that time, Joe has inspired several very good breakup songs, attempted a solo career (justice for his flop album, Fastlife), disbanded a band made up of him and his brothers, started a new band, got his old band back together, married the Queen of the North, Sophie Turner, and had two children.
I've... moved onto crushing on Oscar Isaac? Everyone moves at their own pace, I guess??
But life comes at you fast.
Because I am about to turn 30 and Joe's latest career move is a partnership with cosmetic injectables brand, Xeomin.
Trying really hard not to take this as a personal attack!
In an interview, Joe told People he wanted to break down taboos around men talking about their beauty and grooming habits and had found a new level of confidence in using injections to smooth out his frown lines and a scar between his eyebrows.
Basically, one of Joe's best-known bops is 'Year 3000' and he is keen to carry his same, line-free face into that millennium, thank you very much.
The biggest talking point from this new venture is... an ad.
And it's very important that we unpack this:
We open on Joe in bed.
He looks FRESH.
Maybe it's eight hours of sleep. Maybe it's Xeomin. Maybe it's hours of makeup, hair, good lighting and angles, or the glow of a US$40 million net worth.
It could even be because he's... only 33???????
Looks suspiciously like one of my recurring dreams in 2008!!! Image: YouTube.
He then gets out of bed, really quickly, and SURPRISE. He's fully dressed.
I don't know what I expected from an ad that plays before E! News videos on YouTube, but it wasn't that.
He pulls back the covers to reveal one heck of a shirt choice. Then there's the jewellery... and shoes. IN BED.
My dream has become a nightmare.
JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Image: YouTube.
Joe gets up and at em, real quick. No need for coffee around here, apparently. If he told me one of the side effects of this injectable stuff was super speed, I'd believe him.
Comparatively, I slide out of bed like a slug most days.
"Whether I'm home, or on the road, or somewhere in between, I try to take care of my skin, because I believe less is more. I really care what I put in my body, I want consistent results and I want something that keeps me, well, looking like me," he says.
No one knows what this means. It's the injectable marketing equivalent of when your boss emails you something about 'circling back' on the 'blue sky thinking' that 'merits further discussion'. You just... nod and hope for the best.
Joe tells us there is no one way to define beauty, which is technically true, but if there WAS, his full head of hair, symmetrical face and ability to slot into pretty much all other 'beauty standards' would have him being defined as... pretty close to beautiful? I think?
I need to point out that Joe speaks for approximately 27 seconds. It is absolutely not a hark back to another time he spoke for just 27 seconds, when breaking up with Taylor Swift over the phone when they were teenagers, but I couldn't let the coincidence go unnoticed.
Then it's time to let the quick talking legal voice you hear at the end of all American healthcare advertising take over for... the remaining 73 per cent of the ad.
There are approximately 4500 possible side effects, as per usual, including death, despair and growing an extra limb, probably.
This little bit in the fine print is my favourite part:
SHIT. Image: YouTube.
Joe is no longer allowed to speak, but don't you worry! He is very busy working for this paycheck!
He had a lot to do on this day in particular:
Like pour water from a fancy carafe. Image: YouTube.
And DRINK the water that he poured from the fancy carafe. Image: YouTube.
He has to write... songs or something? Is that the implication here? Image: YouTube.
Then he has to ponder the songs he may or may not have written. Image: YouTube.
No seriously guys did you know he's a musician? Image: YouTube.
Then Joe gets a text from his bandmate Greg who tells him not to be late to the recording studio (BECAUSE HE'S A MUSICIAN, ICYMI!) so... he and his guitar literally run.
None of this has anything to do with his face, besides the fact that it looks smooth. I'll give him that.
And... that's literally the ad.
Maybe unsurprisingly, people have their opinions on Joe taking this endorsement. I get it, right? He's getting paid. It's a little cringe, and essentially a company trying to broaden its customer base. But it's also... transparent.
Look. Talking about faces/cosmetic work/ageing is always complicated. There's so many layers to this conversation.
In recent years, the knowledge of female stars using injectables and fillers has exploded. For every JLo, who says her face is down to olive oil and a joyful heart, there are other famous women who are really transparent about what procedures they have had done.
There are entire influencers and YouTube channels dedicated to pulling apart, speculating and discussing the work famous women have had - or allegedly had - done to their faces.
Image: YouTube.
Those same channels simply do not speculate about men's faces in the same way.
Of the 50 most recent videos on the YouTube channel of Lorry Hill, a YouTuber who's made a career of talking about celebrity cosmetic work and plastic surgery, just four are about men.
Yet, in Hollywood (if it hasn't already filtered down to the men in our lives as it has with women), famous men are putting in just as much work as the women into 'looking (traditionally, narrowly) good': the skincare, the hair dye, the hair plugs, the facials, and yes, the injectables are all happening.
And then we gawk at Hollywood men being 'ageless'. Heh.
If we have to start talking about the men's faces before we can stop this kind of chat all together... Well. Look, 14-year-old me (and 29-year-old me) is not mad it's Joe that's leading the pack.
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer and co-host of The Spill. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
Image: YouTube.
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