I need some advice on how to handle this really tough discussion.
My husband and I are dream-crossed.
When we got married last year, I was sure our dream was the same. After moving three states in as many years, I thought we both wanted to settle down in our home state, buy a house, and eventually give our parents a couple of grand-kids.
But somewhere along the way, his dream changed.
My dream is quite simple. I have finally got a job with a great organisation that is more than just a pay cheque. It allows me to spend more time on my writing, which will hopefully turn into a paying gig rather than just a night time hobby in the not too distant future.
I want us to live in our house that we are currently building and have Sunday roasts with our parents.
I want to be able to go to the movies or shopping with my sisters and my best friends.
But for my husband, to have his dream will come at the cost of mine.
My husband is currently serving in the Australian Defence Force and has been for the last six years. His dream, which he recently confessed to me, is to stay with the ADF where he feels he is really making a difference (he wants to be a medic). Following his dream means we will need to move to the opposite end of the country at the end of the year. And not return until he decides he has fulfilled that dream and wants to pursue a civilian career.
If my husband follows his dream, I could still have most of mine. I could find another job wherever he goes and I could still write. Same with having kids, we can do that anywhere. We just can’t live in our brand new home and see our family and friends as much as I would like.
But I have tasted life as an ADF WAG and it’s not my dream lifestyle. Quite frankly, I hate it. I hate having to move interstate and start from scratch every three years. New city, new house, new job, new friends.
Until I find a job, which I only ever get as entry level and low paying because I move too often to get a promotion and make new friends (which by the way I suck at), the highlight of my days are Dr Phil and my hubby’s 4pm knock off.
I become a depressed and anxious mess.
I want to be a supportive wife. I don’t want him to give up his career and then blame me for his unhappiness later on. I wanted him to make the decision without me swaying him one way or another. But I don’t know if I can do that.
I don’t want to have kids who are only held by their grandparents a couple of times a year. I don’t want to be lonely and isolated again. I don’t want to give up my job again and keep moving. It’s not my dream.
But I also don’t want to crush his dream.
So what do I do? Do I be selfish and tell him that it’s either me or his job and crush his dream? Or do I sacrifice mine and follow him, again?
If, like this reader, you have a dilemma that you would like advice about, please email with Don’t Judge Me in the subject field. You will be contacted before publication, and your identity will be protected.
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