There’s something Jo Robin needs to get off her chest about Jamie Oliver. Sorry, everyone.
That lispy, lovable food-maker Jamie Oliver is at it again. Changing the world one affordable healthy meal idea at a time. Christ, he’s unbearable.
Maybe it’s because it’s Friday and I am extra grumpy, but this morning I endured three minutes and 28 seconds of smug British celebrities waxing lyrical at me about healthy eating and you know whose fault it was? Jamie f*cking Oliver’s. I wasn’t happy about it, let me tell you.
The video, which is the latest viral iteration of Oliver’s Food Revolution, features celebrities including Ed Sheeran, Sir Paul McCartney and Hugh Jackman and has been clogging up my news feed all freaking morning.
I swear to God it is the worst thing since Band Aid ’84. Just watch it (post continues after video).
Oliver has labelled today Food Revolution Day and is hoping to get one million people to sign a petition to force government’s to create food education programs for children and inspire people to think about what they’re eating.
“We’re currently facing a global obesity epidemic, with 42 million children under the age of five either overweight or obese across the world,” he writes.
“It’s essential that we arm future generations with the life skills they urgently need in order to lead healthier, happier, more productive lives. I passionately believe this is every child’s human right and I hope you agree.”
Okay okay, I agree. It’s a fantastic campaign, but it doesn’t mean I like your adorable rapping, Oliver. And my caffeine-fuelled frustration got me doing a little research in a desperate attempt to back up my irrational fury.
Here’s what I’ve got.
1. He’s much richer than I am.
One of the main — and only — criticisms that has been levelled at Oliver is that he is out of touch with common folks (SMUG! I knew it!). Despite humble beginnings, he is now worth an estimated $242 million.
In 2013, he told The Guardian that he couldn’t understand people that eat “chips and cheese out of Styrofoam containers” while sitting in a room with a “massive fucking TV”.
“The fascinating thing for me is that seven times out of 10, the poorest families in this country choose the most expensive way to hydrate and feed their families,” he said. “The ready meals, the convenience foods.”
Healthy food doesn’t always have to be expensive, sure, but affordability of fresh fruit and vegetables is a factor for many families. That said, education can make choosing nutritional foods easier and Oliver deserves credit for recognising this in his most recent campaign.
2. He’s much better at cooking than I am.
Yes he’s a world renowned celebrity chef, but does he have to be so uppity about it? Nobody likes a show off, Jamie. I looked up Jamie Oliver meal ideas and found “Blackened chicken with San Fran quinoa salad.” It looked like this:
When I make blacked chicken it looks more like this:
That smug bastard.
3. He was in this horrible, horrible band.
If you thought the rapping was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Oliver was 13 when he started playing drums in a band called the Scarlet Division. One reviewer had this to say about it: “Jamie Oliver’s band, Scarlet Division, play the blandest kind of music there is and if Jamie were to make a soup that represented his band, he’d just fill a bowl with lukewarm water and call it a day. Obviously this would involve a lot of hand gesture acrobatics and spluttering, so by the end it would be more like a bowl of lukewarm water with a light drizzle of saliva.”
4. He fed his daughter chillies that time to punish her.
“I give them chillies for punishment,” he told Daily Mail last year. Poor Poppy Honey found out the hard way.
“[My daughter] Poppy was quite disrespectful and rude to me and she pushed her luck,” he said.
“Five minutes later she thought I had forgotten and I hadn’t. She asked for an apple. I cut it up into several pieces and rubbed it with Scotch Bonnet and it worked a treat. She ran up to mum and said, ‘This is peppery.’ I was in the corner laughing. [Jools] said to me, ‘Don’t you ever do that again.'”
Scotch Bonnett is one of the hottest chillies you can buy in a supermarket, that asshole.
5. He named his youngest child “Buddy Bear”. Which is just cruel.
Oliver and his wife Jools now have four kids with increasingly absurd names Poppy Honey Rosie Oliver, Daisy Boo Pamela Oliver, Petal Blossom Rainbow Oliver and Buddy Bear Maurice Oliver. The poor boy is destined for a career in folk music. It’s just plain cruel.
6. He’s got Sesame Street behind him and damn it if that cookie monster shouldn’t just be allowed to enjoy his sugary treats.
Even the Cookie Monster has pledged his support for the Food Revolution and you know what? I’m not okay with it. Cookies have already become a sometimes food for the manic blue monster, who has lately been opting for a less-delicious oatmeal and raisin alternative. Let the damn Muppet have his sugar hit and think nothing of it.
Here he is shaming Grover out of eating suntan lotion. Ugh.
Alright, fine. As far as crimes committed go, these are not all that heinous. Aside from multiple charming TV series cookbooks and ongoing global campaign to help children, Oliver was also behind the Fifteen charity restaurants which train disadvantaged young people to work in the hospitality industry.
He also suffers from dyslexia and read his first novel The Hunger Games: Catching Fire at 38, which I think we can all agree was an adorkable and fantastic choice.
His compilation CD Cookin’ also opens with Toploader’s Dancing in The Moonlight and basically took its track list from my iPod circa 2005.
God, I’m so sorry everyone, I just can’t hate this guy. And for that? I fucking hate him.
You should all probably go and sign his petition now.
What do you think of Jamie Oliver?
As an apology to all the Oliver fans out there, here are some times he was a big ‘ol cutehead:
Top Comments
Fresh fruit and veges arent all that expensive.its a cop out
It's also his life, he has time to make the food, someone else does all the shopping for him and I would also guess cleans up after him. Also a wife who admits to taking care of his 4 children so he can do his thing. I like the guy but he needs some perspective.