The week my husband moved out, I was in so much pain that I felt like it was going to burst through my chest. I walked around and wondered how it was that people couldn’t just feel it radiating off me, it seemed like there should be some visible aura of disbelief and brokenness in my wake. For the first time in my life, I learned what it really felt like to have a broken heart, and it sucked.
Five minutes after we sat on the couch and agreed that he should ask his cousin if he could still stay in their extra bedroom for a while, he was helping me put together a photograph portfolio for a job interview. This is what made it so hard. Hour to hour, we still could still get along. We could still have fun, laugh, watch TV together. Zooming out from those moments, though, everything was a mess of hurt, resentment, and needs not being met. I hated it because every time we had a normal conversation, I wished it could just stay that way. We were really great at ignoring the big picture for the small moments, shoving our big feelings down deep for day to day pleasantries.
Robin Bailey and Bec Sparrow share why their first marriages were big mistakes. Post continues below.
Over the years while my marriage dissolved, I had a lot of anger and a lot of conversations with friends and family about my situation, but the morning after it became real, I couldn’t stop crying. I’d learned to cry in the car and the shower because my kids couldn’t see me. I sobbed all the way home from dropping my older son off at school. I felt like I could lie down and cry and it would never stop.
I tried to convince myself that a separation was not just a gateway to divorce… but I didn’t have a lot of confidence. My husband honestly didn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour, even though everyone else I talked to did.
The pain blindsided me in the car. One minute I would be bopping along in the sunshine singing ‘Teenage Dream’, and the next I’d be sobbing not knowing if I’d be with my kids on Christmas morning and my heart would shatter into a million little pieces.