By ANONYMOUS
I’m 25 years old, and married to a cold and unemotional man. Before I met him, I was in a long-term relationship with a man who had similar problems. He wasn’t as “into” the relationship as I was.
He was kind with a great sense of humour though, and very talkative. In hindsight, he was far warmer than my now-husband. But at the time, I felt like the relationship was very one-sided, so I broke it off – determined to find a man who was as passionate about me as I was about him.
Then I met Adam*. When we met, we were crazy about each other and he was extremely loving, passionate and attentive. Needless to say I was ecstatic to love someone so much and be loved the same in return.
Two years later this wild, passionate man had done a complete 180. Now, Adam doesn’t even talk to me. He doesn’t pay much attention to me. He doesn’t even seem to see me. He comes home, grunts at me, and plays video games. Sometimes when I try to go near him, he visibly moves away from me.
We got married very quickly and have only been together three years. I maintain my appearance, have my own hobbies, and do everything I can do be a good wife while still giving him plenty of space. But space seems to be all he wants.
A few months ago, he told me he was falling out of love with me, but still wanted to try and make it work. We went to marriage counseling and spent a lot of time working through it, but I can’t get over the heartbreak. I also don’t trust him anymore – how do I know if he loves me now? He doesn’t communicate how he’s feeling, so I never know what’s going through his head. Talking just doesn’t work because he gets angry, defensive, and unresponsive.
I’m really lonely and just want to be with the man I love. But it hurts to think he doesn’t love me back, and I think I’m beginning to resent him for it.
I’m just trying to figure out…
1) Is it just me? After all, this seems to be a pattern, judging by my past relationship. Do I have some sort of past childhood issues that are causing this problem? Or am I just unlovable?
2) Are all men like this? Am I expecting too much?
3) Does he have issues? Do I deserve more?
4) Am I overthinking it?
* Names changed.
The author of this post is known to Mamamia, but has chosen to remain anonymous.
Do you have advice for this reader? Leave your comments below.
Top Comments
So my first day off the week... Sunday morning we lay in bed
I ask my husband to give me a massage. It starts out great he starts out on my
back, legs, and shoulders. I'm thinking WOW we are going to start off our day
Great! Well it did start out great; I'm even thinking that it going to move
into a passionate encounter. Then I turn over onto my back and ask him to
massage the front part of my body and he says "and your mouth." I
then respond "what do you mean by that?" He responds by saying
"so you can shut your mouth." I'm shocked…. really did he just say
that?! So this was no longer a possible romantic moment instead it turned into
what is wrong with you.? I was confused and even more so when he didn't
understand how that could be rude. Needless to say the moment was over. But
here we go.... the blame is put all on me, because in his head what he said was
not rude or offensive. He even verbalized that he didn't know why I was upset
and that I would just drag out the issue and manage to ruin the day. So instead
of trying to talk to him and see if he could give ma answer for his comment I
decided to type it. I just don’t know I’m left felling exasperated and
confused. Help does anyone have advice for me?
Amazing. He comes home, grunts and becomes completely involved in his video games and can't figure out why he's falling out of love with you? He wants to feel love/passion for you but not have to lift a finger for it? And you think you are the one who is unlovable?
If he isn't willing to take personal responsibility in the relationship, then he doesn't deserve you. On the flip side, you allow him to behave this way and not have any accountability. Don't you have any self-worth?
I allowed a man to rob 17 years of my life. I tried to be a good wife while "supporting his needs." Rubbish! I should have stepped up after 2 or 3 years of marriage and said, this behavior will stop now or I'm leaving. Don't let him rob you of your life. He either becomes a contributing member of the relationship or you leave. End of story.