What they didn’t tell you in ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’.

Here’s something they forget to tell you in the ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ book. There will be casualties.

That’s right, as joyous as having a child is and will be, certain parts of your lifestyle and yourself, will suddenly be lost to you. At first these will feel unfair and unjust but what needs to be understood is that certain things are simply collateral damage.

And, as you adjust to life with a new baby and consequently, a young child, you’ll realise you wouldn’t have it any other way. The following might be a good heads up or if like me, you already are a parent, perhaps you can relate.

So I present you with the 5 casualities of my having children:

1. My boobs

I still remember dragging my best friend into the maternity ward toilets, lifting my top so that she, along with myself could stare in awe at these rock hard, Pamela Anderson sized knockers. NEVER before had I been larger than a B cup. Suddenly it was like I’d had an epic boob job.

The ironic thing being of course that my husband wasn’t allowed to touch them. Hell, he couldn’t even look at them without me wincing . Then, the cruelest irony of all, when my babies were done sucking the life out of them, they deflated to less than when I started. This is when I made friends with the Push up Bra.

2. My Mind

Look, you know when you just start randomly throwing out names trying to address your own child, that you’ve made it as a parent. I’ve even been known to call my son by our cat’s name on occasion. My mind is probably not as sharp as it was pre children but then again, my reflexes seem to have improved ten fold, sometimes being known to catch a falling pea from a across a room and pulling my child out of the path of a moving car on pure instinct.

3. My Walls

Take a long hard look at those beautiful, white and blemish free walls in your home because at some point, your wall will be adorned with what can only be described as ‘abstract art’. It will not win a prize. It will however win your heart. Not right now of course, oh no, when you discover the scribble beautiful artwork left on your bedroom wall, you will lose your mind but in hindsight it will seem adorable.

Of course you’ll have told them endlessly NOT to draw on the walls. Yet we all know that telling a child not to do something is like telling Miley Cyrus not to lick sledgehammers. It won’t just be the pint sized graffiti artist you’ll have to deal with, it’ll also be that unidentifiable brown substance that has seemingly petrified onto the back of the toilet door that you’ll have to work with as well. God speed.

4. My Friendships

No, not all of them with some even growing stronger but becoming a parent, especially when your friends aren’t, can be very tough. Mainly because, the friendship you had before was based on a very different dynamic. You are no longer heading to the Pub on a Friday night discussing backpacking around Europe or what to wear to Derby Day.

Instead you’ll be meeting up at a coffee shop with a heavy focus on sleep routines and making sure little Jackson doesn’t crash tackle the waitress. This is a swings and roundabouts situation with it all coming full circle when those friends have children of their own. Until then you really have to accept that your friendship circle will take a hit. And that sometimes, is for the best.

5.Silence

Vale silence, I enjoyed you once. I reveled in you even. You were my Monday nights, you were known best for your appearance in my toilet breaks. You are now seen rarely. Even the nights now have a distant din of a radio somewhere in the house, kept on to keep the children feeling safe. Silence was the casualty we had to have. I miss you but if I’m honest, the alternative isn’t nearly as appealing.

Like all great life changing events in history, there are casualties. Things have to change and fall by the wayside because if they don’t, then nothing is actually changing at all. So yes, all of these above took a hit when I became a parent but I wouldn’t change a second of it. I know, I know, that sounds smug to everyone out there still yet to have a child but it’s my truth. Enjoy your silence, enjoy your life as it stands today because you won’t want to trade the mess and chaos for anything when it all changes shape one day.

How has your life changed since you had children?