Yes.
Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website Goop has released its 2020 gift guides, and they are the most perfectly timed distractions from... the entire world.
Thank you, Gwyneth. Laughing about a bread lamp and a clone-your-own dildo is exactly what we need right now.
This year, Goop have released a number of different guides: there's the wellness gift guide, the cook's gift guide and the aptly named 'ridiculous but awesome' gift guide. Although, having looked through them all, it feels like that title could've gone to each and every one.
Without further ado, let's get into the absolutely ridiculous, Gwyneth-approved highlights.
Watermelon carrying bag - price on request.
Thank. Goodness.
This bag solves the very niche problem of needing something to perfectly fit a watermelon inside and I, for one, could not be more thrilled.
The 'price on request' suggests it is going to cost... a lot, but surely you can't put a price on arriving at a picnic with your watermelon safe and sound.
Crystal Elixir Straws - AU$67.
"Do drinks taste better through a crystal straw?" Goop asks.
Objectively... no.
Leopard-Print Rolling Papers - AU$19.50.
Nothing says wellness like... leopard print cigarettes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Avocado green mattress - from AU$53,200.
Oh. It's sleep, but for rich people.
This Smells Like My Prenup Candle - AU$105.
In January, Goop made headlines when it released the 'This Smells Like My Vagina' candle.
That sold out within hours but strangely, this seems like the most natural progression.
If you're curious, a prenup smells like grapefruit and citrusy bergamot with subtle notes of ripened raspberry. Who knew?
Carbon negative vodka - AU$91.
Up until now, I did not realise vodka was... bad for the environment.
2020 really is the worst.
Batard Bread Lamp - AU$293.
Oh. Absolutely no one asked for this.
In 2018, Goop's gift guide included a banana-shaped lamp. But in 2020, they've seriously levelled up their carbs.
Pyramid Commode - AU$49,000.
You can't go to Egypt right now, so...
Goop says Kanye is a client of the designer, Elizabeth Paige Smith, which just makes SO MUCH SENSE.
Allegedly, "this pyramid-shaped piece creates a spatial vortex in whatever room it’s placed in, energetically lifting the vibrations there (whoa)."
Just what I thought.
PlantWave - AU$417.
If you attach the PlantWave sensors to your Monstera's leaves and it'll play... music... made by your plant.
GWYNETH IS LAUGHING IN OUR FACES.
Moon calendar 2021 - AU$50.
This calendar was inspired by a French village where everyone lives life according to the rhythms of the moon. Seems fake, but ok.
There are tips to help you "harness the cosmic energy" on any given day, and honestly, things can't get any worse. Worth a try?
Custom birth sill - AU$10,500.
I'm guessing you need to take off the jumpsuit before... giving... birth.
Study pod - from AU$19,000.
Many of us have learned the difficulties of working from home this year. Goop has a $19,000 solution, with a literal pod room where you can work in peace.
This would look so good in my shoebox Sydney apartment.
Dildo Cloning Kit - AU$70.
"This at-home kit lets the two of you make an exact, vibrating silicone replica of your partner's package," Goop says.
SORRY BUT I SIMPLY HAVE NO WORDS.
F*** What You Heard Calling Cards - AU$19.50.
Versatile, fun and not $20,000.
*adds to cart*
Post-Structuralist Vulva Colouring Book - AU$21.
Big yes to demystifying female genitalia.
Big no to imaging George Washington's face as a... vulva.
Wireless UV Sanitizing Charging Station - AU$111.50.
If this was included in a gift guide any other year, we'd be like... WTF is that. We're still a little bit like that, but mostly, a UV sanitising phone charger now seems like a GREAT IDEA.
Ugh.
CAN 2020 BE OVER, PLEASE.
Feature image: Goop.
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