There are some places you’d rather not have your mum with you or would you? Mamamia reader Cara writes:
“I’m having my first baby in the next few months and earlier in the pregnancy, my mother asked me if she could come in and be with me during labour, along with my husband. My husband was fine about the idea and I found myself agreeing but as time goes on I’m starting to regret this… My whole life we have had a complicated relationship, although this is not confirmed I do suspect that my mum suffers from depression and has quite manic mood swings. She can be a wonderful and loving person, which I do believe is the real her, but when she is low she says and does some quite awful things.
The more I think about it, the more I realise how she has affected quite a few big events in my life, for example, the morning of my wedding she screamed abuse at me for about 15 minutes as the bathroom was in a mess (like you worry about that on your wedding day?) and at my year 12 graduation formal dinner she pulled me aside and refused to take any more photos as she said my stomach was sticking out in my dress and I should have made more of an effort to lose weight. She apologises later for these events but the more I think about it I would rather share the birth of my first baby with my husband alone, this is such a special and exciting time and I don’t want anything to ruin that.
But my mum is so excited about coming in for the birth and I don’t know what to do. I know she will be devastated if I told her I changed my mind … Do you think I should just be honest with her or try to make an excuse? My husband thought it might help our relationship… Any ideas?”
Top Comments
Does this make me a bad person ... when I have a baby I don't want ANYONE there other than the midwife/doctor/whatever. No husband, no parents, no birthing partner. It seems so intensely private and as a shy person, embarrassing, that I wouldn't want anyone there. After, sure, but whilst a body is coming out of my vagina? No. Stay out.
Cara, I think your mum and my mum should get together - they sound so similar you could be writing about mine!! I totally understand the saying yes and thinking about it later as that is what happened to me. I was so scared of labour for my first that I said yes and then as my pregnancy progressed I changed my mind - but couldn't face the conversation of telling her to come later, therefore she was present at the birth. And it was okay, thankfully she didn't try to take over as she does with everything else and I got to throw a few (hundred) expletives her way and get away with it. But when the baby blues hit a few days after and I told everyone not to come in as I wanted a visitor free day - well the tantrum she threw then was very disappointing (but expected). Now three years down the track I have set very strong boundries around my little family and this has been hard work, but WELL WORTH EVERY TEAR!! This is about you and your husband, not your mum. Have the courage I didn't at the time - you won't regret it and your mum will get over it, if she doesn't you have to ask the hard question's about how much you can actually handle having her in your life. Tough one I know.